Behold, internet gang: I bring you sex toy news from across the sea. Recently I travelled to Hannover for the sex industry trade show Erofame. If you’ve never heard of Erofame before, I can sum it up by telling you that it is basically a giant warehouse full of sex toys, and a bunch of friendly people who are very keen to sell them. Most of the people there were either buyers or sellers, so I felt a little like the weird girl who’d turned up armed with nothing but a camera phone and a penchant for bumming. But I guess that’s appropriate, because it’s exactly what I am. Read on to see some of the most interesting things I spotted at Erofame, including gooey bath liquid that you can roll around and fuck in, a slow-motion video of the most terrifying sex toy on Earth, and a penguin that sucked off my clit. Ready? Let’s go.

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OK gang, listen up because I’m angry. For years – YEARS – I have been recommending the Doxy to anyone and everyone with a clitoris. It’s the turbo-charged fuckstick of my wildest dreams and by my rough calculations it has delivered more orgasms in the three and a half years I’ve owned it than any living human has given me over the course of the rest of my life. Myself included. I love Doxy so much I would recklessly and gleefully abseil down the nearest tall building to unfurl a ‘FUCK YEAH DOXY’ banner that could be read from miles away. But now Doxy has launched a new toy – a compact wand called ‘Doxy Number 3‘ – and I am, to put it mildly, livid.

Here are 10 things I hate about the Doxy Number 3.

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I have a lot in common with today’s guest blogger, Livia, namely that I fucking love sex tech and I really want to get my hands (and vagina) on a We-Vibe Sync. We chatted a while ago about app-controlled vibrators, and I told her if We-Vibe were up for giving her one, I’d be delighted to post her thoughts on it here. And I’d be doubly delighted if she could seamlessly entwine helpful-review-type-info with filthy-hot-sex-details. I hope you’ll agree she’s done a magnificent job.

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I like things that are new and different, and sex toys that do stuff I haven’t felt before. That doesn’t mean that all those sex toys will get me off: if I wanted a reliable, functional, powerful wank then I would never deviate from my Doxy. But I like sex toys that make me feel new things. The Queen Bee is one of those sex toys, and thanks to the fact that I work with the company, I got to play with an early version and then write about it before other people get their hands on one, so I am going to grasp this opportunity with… well, with one hand. The hand I am not currently using to hold the Queen Bee to my clit. Let us commence.

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