It was one of those sleepover pile-ons: everyone grabbing blankets, squabbling over sofa cushions, and squeezing four abreast on a futon designed for two. These were my favourite nights, and I miss them now that we’re all grown-up – old enough to pay for taxis if we miss the last bus home. That’s where this threesome story begins…

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What is the ultimate, best kind of sex? Oh, sure, we all have our favourite positions and our ultimate fantasies: bucket-list fucks with hot celebrities or specific sex toys we’ve always wanted to try. I have plenty of these myself. But is there one thing, above all others, that I’d give my eye-teeth to do?

Yes.

I would like for two dudes to fuck me in a very specific way: the spitroast. And I don’t just mean me sucking on one gent while the other fucks me from behind. I mean a properly co-ordinated spitroast: all three of us moving in harmony, so that the force with which the first guy fucks my mouth pushes me more tightly back onto the other person’s dick.

And vice versa.

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This week’s guest blogger, Jane, got in touch with me a long time ago in response to a sex story I wrote about a hot, giggling lady who once gave me an enema. She asked if I could write more on messy sex, and it was a bit tricky. While I enjoy the occasional bit of piss-play, in terms of extreme mess, I’m definitely not the right person to talk about it, and anyone who’s genuinely into it would no doubt write me off as an amateur.

Still, the excellent thing about having a blog is that even if something doesn’t fall within my own kinky desires, there’s usually someone who is totally happy to share why it’s hot for them. So Jane kindly offered to write a guest blog of her own.

This extremely dirty sex story comes with a big, bold, neon sign that says ‘Not Safe For Work’, and – because I am essentially a big old worrier – it also comes with a link to this advice guide on ass play health risks, if you do fancy getting messy like Jane.

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I’m going through a phase where I really crave spanking. All I really want is to be smacked. Flat palm, bare bottom, good hard whacks. Lying on the sofa, with my feet in a guy’s lap, my usual whim would be for him to slide a hand up my leg and into the warmth of my crotch, casually thumbing my clit through my knickers until I wriggle and beg for a fuck.

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It’s pretty rare that someone shares an exact fantasy of mine, right down to every sticky detail. I think the same is true for most of us, which is why those ‘top fantasies’ surveys are usually far too broad to be useful on an individual basis. X per cent of men fantasise about having a threesome – big deal. Who is the threesome with? What happens during it? What’s the atmosphere like? Is the main participant a passive receptacle for the sexual whims of the other two, or are they an active and eager consumer, sampling whatever deviant delights they are offered? Is this threesome in a specific place, or are specific words said? When you get down to the granular detail of a fantasy, it’s incredibly rare to find someone who shares something identical, in every possible respect.

So, when I tell you that I once explained this fantasy to someone, and watched their eyes light up with gleeful enthusiasm, as they told me they had exactly the same desire, I hope you can understand just how rare that was. And how utterly soaked I was by the time they’d finished explaining exactly why they liked it too.

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