Now listen up: I’ve used the phrase ‘semen volume’ in my intro and titles for this incredible guest blog, because Google Keyword Planner tells me it’s searched for more often than the any of the phrases I would naturally use to describe what we’re talking about here. But whether you’re keen to get a massive cum load, a spunk volcano, or a powerful spaff cannon, make no mistake that what we’re talking about here is jizz. Big, thick, sticky shots of it. Mmmmmmmmmm. As a curious and horny person who’s extremely obsessed with spunk, I recently asked on Twitter if anyone with a dick might be up for describing what it feels like to spunk with one. The first person willing to volunteer their experience is Jocket, who wrote this beautiful piece about skin hunger a while back. To answer my thirsty question, he’s offering a perspective on ejaculate that made me positively drool for it, namely: going on a quest to increase semen volume and achieve more intense orgasms.

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Note, before we begin, that this post is going to describe a rape fantasy. I use the phrase ‘rape fantasy’ instead of something softer like ‘consensual non-consent scene’ because I think it’s more accurate. As with any fantasy, the fact that someone enjoys it in their head does not mean they’ll necessarily enjoy it in real life, and so my writing should on no account ever be taken as a justification to do anything like this with your partners. Nor even, if I’m the one you’re fucking, should you take it as permission to do it to me. If you fully understand this, and you’re not going to be freaked out by the idea of that, let’s talk about why ‘sorry’ is the hottest word you can say at the moment of climax.

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In the middle of yet another tumultuous year, the audio porn project has been a shining joy on my weekly to-do list: gathering lots more fabulous guest audio, as well as recording and editing some of my own stories to make them more accessible, and hanging with the incredible team of people who support me on Patreon and help guide the project. But what were people listening to this year? Hopefully you’re having a chilled day today eating festive snacks and lying in your comfiest lounging clothes, so to entertain you while you have a well-deserved rest, here’s the top audio porn of 2021 (based on listens), plus a couple of new stories that haven’t yet been live for long enough to make the ‘most listened to’ list, but which I know you’ll love.

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As part of my run of getting sex toy blog posts written up so you know what to buy before Christmas, let’s get stuck into this quickly so you’ve plenty of time to shove one in your basket. There are two things I love about the Pillow Talk Sassy vibe (kindly sent to me by my site sponsor The Pleasure Garden). The first is its simplicity. The second is that when I first had a wank with it, I came in under thirty seconds.

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I don’t know if I’m allowed to just invent a piece of sex etiquette, like I’m the editor of NSFW Debrett’s, but if I were allowed to do that, I’d suggest an etiquette rule like this: if you’re fucking someone with a butt toy in, and you have the ability to hold it there while you pound them, you absolutely should. So for instance, if we’re fucking doggy-style, one hand laid on my butt with a steadying thumb against the base of the plug (not pushing in, just holding still) will calm my anxious mind and mean I can focus on the shag rather than the worry that I’m about to inadvertently shoot it across the room. This rule brought to you by a woman who – no matter how safe the butt plug or how secure it feels in my ass, the second you start to plough away I will immediately panic that my lubed-up arse might accidentally blast it at your stomach like a rocket launcher. My top concern with anal toys is not whether they’re going to get in, but whether they might just slip out. That was my key concern with the Hot Octopuss Plex, and why I tested it in ways that may seem silly to you, but which for me formed vital anxiety-calming prep before I (hopefully) get to use this during sex.

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