Two words that will have me elevate your hotel from a four to a five-star review on Trip Advisor: wet room. But seeing as I like wet rooms because I sometimes enjoy watersports, you might not actually want me to stay in your hotel, to be honest. But we clean up thoroughly after ourselves, and I guess what you don’t know can’t hurt you.

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If you’re reading this hoping for some lurid and detailed description of a time when I writhed naked with a dude on a hotel bathroom floor, having sex that culminated in me squatting over his face and urinating directly into his mouth, you’ll be sorely disappointed: I want to talk about boys pissing on girls. And why I love it when guys piss on me.

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