Sometimes I sit down and try to write something good, but nothing good springs to mind so instead I write a 400 word poem about fucking. Enjoy! Or don’t! It’s entirely pointless and silly!

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“Don’t call me ‘good girl’ unless you plan on fucking the Mario coins out of me.” Ever since I saw that excellent, excellent tweet, I’ve been thinking about hot new ways to ask someone to fuck me. Seriously: ‘Fuck the Mario coins out of me’ has to be up there as one of the best fuckbegs I’ve ever heard. Gold. I cannot promise to do quite as well as that (who could?!), but with big thanks to those on Twitter who chipped in, I’m aiming for quantity in lieu of quality. Here are 42 different ways to ask someone to fuck you.

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“He picked me up,” I tell her and she says “Ooh! He picked you up?!” and both of us grin because we know – we know – the pickup is a pretty sexy move. We also both know that, while I may be many things, ‘small’ is not one of them. I am not easily pick-uppable. Nevertheless, this guy picked me up and threw me onto the bed. Hot.

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I stumble in the front door, drenched to the skin from a long and glorious cycle through central London, fighting the downpour and dodging past Boris bikes, punk tunes blasting into my left ear. Exhausted and satisfied and aching all over: my cunt hurts from getting well and truly fucked. As I walk in, I’m accosted by my conscience, who is as steaming angry as I am post-fuck happy, with the words ‘you fucked your ex’ on its lips.

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I’m going to keep the intro short and sweet this week – you’ve already met rmp792 in previous guest blogs, and heard his lovely voice reading sexy audio about such kinks as women in armour and begging. Today he’s here to give you some tips on (and a hot example of) using phone sex to connect over a distance. Your voice is one of the sexiest things about you. I’ll let him explain how you can use it to get your partner horny, even if you’re oceans apart…

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