Guest blog: Hit me, but only when I tell you to

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This week’s guest blog comes from the brilliant Broken Sub. Her blog is searingly honest, and combines some straightforward, fun sex blogging with some fascinating reflective posts on BDSM and her submission.
I don’t want to say too much by way of introduction, because I don’t want to detract from her own words, but I should warn you that the blog includes discussion of abuse. It’s also incredibly personal, and very thoughtful. If you want to find out more, please do check out her blog.

Hit Me, But Only When I Tell You To

Girl on the Net introduced me to the acceptability of blogging about sex, and particularly BDSM sex. So, I thought I’d write about how my life as a submissive is in conflict with my past, of sexual abuse.

I was abused from the age of 11 to 17, by a close family member. He was a lot taller than me, a lot larger than me, and a hell of a lot more powerful than I was, particularly as a small, 70 pound 11 year-old.

I was forced into submission, used as if I wasn’t a person, and unsurprisingly enough, it caused me a lot of problems, emotionally and mentally. I saw sex as unimportant, and so I slept with A LOT of people. I became a ‘slut’ in the eyes of society, because it was my way of coping.

This continued for a while, until things changed. I met someone. And everything became better. I met a man who learned my past, and didn’t run away, scared of the mess that I was. He was eager to try being a Dom, something he had never even considered in the past. And now? We are in a committed relationship, and I am a happy sub.

I don’t believe that my present submissive tendencies have anything to do with my past abuse. I love to feel small, when my partner stands over me, to give control to someone who uses it to make me feel good.

Why doesn’t this scare me?

I trust him. It is as simple as that. He knows my history, and he doesn’t let it stop him. When I talked to him about starting a BDSM lifestyle, he was unsure, simply because he had never done it before. He was the most enthusiastic beginner I have ever met. He was willing to test his limits constantly, always checking how I was feeling. He taught me new things about myself that I never knew, and, on the days that I reacted badly, he stopped immediately, and just held me, until the fear had passed. I adore him, and I know that this relationship works for us. He has discovered an incredibly dominating side to his personality that I’m not sure he knew existed before. And I get all the benefits!

Should I give a fuck about what society thinks?

Society always told me that, as a ‘survivor of sexual abuse’, I was supposed to be wary of entering into a sexual relationship, and that I would always have trust issues in my relationships. So, what would society think about the fact that I am now in a perfectly consensual submissive relationship? Society would tell me that I’m putting myself in a danger situation, one that could trigger all my past issues.

You know what? Since I entered this relationship, I have worked through so many of my issues. My partner has helped me cope with the fear, and learn to trust in people again. He taught me that I can allow myself to be submissive, and not constantly fear that I will be abused. The consensual power exchange in our relationship is the best choice I could have made. When I’m tied to the bed, and he stands over me with a riding crop (my current favourite), I don’t feel scared of him. Instead, I feel a wave of lust and arousal, and joy at my situation.

So, to those in my situation, or those who are considering a BDSM relationship, I say this. If you are in a loving relationship, and you trust your partner, give it a go. Do not let your past hold you back from having an amazing sex life!

The winner of the orgasm picture competition…

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What happens when you ask people to send in a visual representation of their orgasm? Awesome things. A month or so ago, after Stuart Taylor had drawn a stunning representation of an orgasm for an old blog post of mine, I asked people to have a go at representing their own. The aim was to show the breadth of different orgasmic experience and find some beautiful visual depictions of something that’s really hard to describe.

A huge thanks to everyone who entered - the pictures covered a huge range of experience – beautiful, sexy, evocative, fun, and everything in between. You can see all of the orgasm competition entries here. Below are the five finalists, as chosen by the public vote, and then my gang of awesome judges helped me to pick the overall winner. After a lot of deliberation (it was really tricky to choose, as there were so many fantastic images), we finally chose a winner…

So… *drum roll*… the winner is… GalleryKC! We loved the beauty of this picture, and thought it was really evocative – the shattering glass, the way the colour explodes out of the side of the glass – amazing. GalleryKC wins £100 vouchers for SexToys.co.uk, a framed print of the orgasm picture that inspired this comp, and a copy of BishUK’s fantastic sex ed book.

Massive congratulations to all the runners-up as well – it was genuinely hard to pick a favourite, and the judges weren’t unanimous, which I think shows just how personal each experience is. And bloody well done to everyone who entered. It’s been a total joy to see all the different images, and have a bit of a glimpse into other people’s experience of orgasm.

The winner

An orgasm, by GalleryKC

An orgasm, by GalleryKC

The runners-up

 

What does an orgasm look like? by@annalank

An orgasm, by @annalank

An orgasm, by Emmeline Peaches

An orgasm, by Emmeline Peaches

What does an orgasm look like? Molly's Daily Kiss shows you

An orgasm, by Molly

An orgasm, by Victoria Vendetta

An orgasm, by Victoria Vendetta

Sex dolls: is loneliness more taboo than kink?

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If you want to bend your partner over and beat them with a leather paddle, or be tied to the bedposts with soft bondage rope, blindfolded and shagged, there are a shitload of things out there that you can buy. Companies will be clambering over each other to sell you beating implements, rope and blindfolds along with a tonne of other exciting stuff you can turn on, lube up, and shove in your twitching rectum.

Which, as someone who enjoys all of the above, is a delight and a relief. After my first hushed-whispers visit to a sex shop about twelve years ago, I’m delighted that so much more of the stuff I love is not only available but openly encouraged. No more hiding things in a paper bag and wondering why I have “DIY solutions” on my credit card receipt.

But regardless of how much more comfortable we’ve become with our kinks, buying the kind of products that would have made us blush twenty years ago, there are some things you’ll still rarely see in ads and toy reviews: sex dolls.

Male sex toys vs female sex toys

A while ago I kicked off about the weirdly judgmental attitude displayed in a Jezebel article, in which men who used masturbation sheaths were painted as ‘lonely fucks’ while women who bought rabbits and dildos were celebrated. It seems bloody odd, and not a little hurtful that what makes one person an empowered sex kitten makes another a miserable wanker, and at the time it didn’t occur to me that the stigma of the lonely may well attach to some toys more than others.

Marketing is clever, otherwise marketers wouldn’t get paid the big bucks, and so naturally there are certain male sex toys that seem cooler than the others. The Pulse (basically the sex toy that Batman would own) is slick and cool and space-age-y. Tenga’s textured masturbation sheaths are geometric and neat, like the kind of thing you’d put on a shelf in a minimalist apartment, just to highlight how empty the other shelves are. The Fleshlight, while more anatomical than these other abstract toys, still manages to market itself without implying ‘need’ – the kind of necessary, functional wanking that is the majority of my masturbatory life. In fact, Fleshlight even comes bundled in packs like the ‘stamina’ pack – the implication being that you’ll use it to build stamina for your performance with a partner. It’s not a toy to play with, it’s a serious workout, bro.

Compare and contrast with the way female sex toys are marketed: sure, they’re often sold as an enhancement to your sex life – something to use with a partner. But we’re just as frequently told to ‘treat ourselves’ or ‘have a bit of me-time.’ In short: a solitary woman wanking sells products, but conjuring an image of a solitary guy is something copywriters avoid wherever possible.

And so we come to sex dolls.

What’s wrong with sex dolls?

Sex dolls are often seen as weird and different. Even lower down the sex toy pecking order than masturbation sheaths, sex dolls are usually presented in one of two particular lights: a crutch for the incurably lonely or a comedy prop. The lovely Cara Sutra, queen of All The Sex Toys, wrote an interesting piece about sex dolls a while back in which she looked at all the reasons (practical as well as emotional) why guys might shun sex dolls.

It made me a bit curious – what do individuals actually think of sex dolls? I assumed most people would think they’re funny and/or pathetic, because of our tendency to steer clear from any toys that hit the ‘loneliness’ taboo. My gut instinct was that, because a doll is an (albeit cartoonish) representation of a person, its ‘loneliness factor’ is far higher than something abstract, so it’s perceived in a more shaming way.

The actual answer might be surprising - it certainly surprised the fuck out of me.

What do people really think of sex dolls?

SexToys.co.uk (who sponsor my blog, and occasionally get all interesting and nerdy with stats) have just released some info on sex doll attitudes. I should note that this was based on a survey of their site users, so naturally those who responded will already be down with the idea of sex toys. However, even given an already warm audience, the results were really interesting.

First thing to note is that sex dolls are pretty popular on the site,with the ‘sex dolls’ category page coming into the top 10 every single month. Of the survey respondents, 12% actually owned one. If sex dolls were such a niche and unusual thing, bought only by the very lonely or people planning a stag night surprise, I’d expect to see a few proud owners and a couple who’ve bought one as a joke. Not so: of the people who responded to the survey, 18% had bought one at some point, 3% had bought one ‘as a joke’ and a massive 47% said that they wanted to try one.

Here’s my favourite bit though:

When asked “What would you think if you found out a lover had/used a Sex Doll?”, 40% of people said “That’s fine!” and 26% said “Let’s use one together!”

Loneliness and shame

So what’s the problem? Well, although our attitudes towards sex dolls seem delightfully accepting – far more so than I’d have initially thought – people who use sex dolls may still have very valid concerns about how they’re perceived. If you hadn’t seen the stats above, you could easily be forgiven for thinking that your love of sex dolls was something shameful and wrong. That, while you can show a Tenga sheath to your partner or proudly present your drawers full of bondage equipment, your sex doll should be hidden at the back of a cupboard.

Because regardless of individual people’s attitudes, we’re still given a message that makes me want to smash things: an attitude that implies sex dolls are rarely used for actual wanking and, when they are, that’s somehow weird and wrong. That those who use them are the worst kind of perverts you can be: lonely ones.

My most prominent sex doll association is with Richie in the Bottom Live shows (Americans, please click that link and watch it and enjoy). He was the classic ‘lonely perv’ – it’s where 90% of the humour in his character came from. There’s nothing wrong with being a ‘Richie’, of course, but in reality, given how popular sex dolls still are, they aren’t just being bought by an army of people like him. They’re also bought by people who have partners, people who don’t, those who are ‘curious’ and those who are fans for a particular reason (they love the latex, for instance, or have a particular fantasy about dolls).

So I think what I’m trying to say is that, just as we’ve (I think almost successfully) crushed the narrative that if you own kink items you’re a weirdo, so we should challenge this idea that owning a sex doll makes you a particular type of person. You should no more be ashamed of owning a sex doll than you should be of owning a vibrator, or a wanking sheath, or an excellent spreader bar. Far from being a tragic necessity for lonely people, sex dolls are not only more popular than you think, but there are potentially a fair few people who’d be delighted to use one with you.

I’d certainly ask if I could watch.

Shameless plug: if you are tempted by sex dolls, or any of the toys and stuff I’ve mentioned in this post, you can get 10% off at SexToys.co.uk if you use the code GOTN10 when you buy ‘em. And if you do? Please please come back and tell me how it was in the comments. I am a massive pervert myself (sometimes lonely, sometimes not) and I thoroughly enjoy hearing stories about other people’s wanking adventures. 

And because I am thorough, here’s some more info on the survey – it included responses from over 4000 participants, and was done through the SexToys website. Of the respondents, 84% identified as male and 16% as female. 

Cuckolding – the least sexy word for one of the sexiest fetishes

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cuckolding is even better if the guy watching occasionally gives you a round of applause

Image by the excellent Stuart F Taylor

Oh for the love of a man who wants to watch me fuck other men.

For a guy whose idea of heaven is the gentlest of touches on his aching erection as he leaks precum and sheds a solitary tear while I’m fucked rigid by a faceless other.

Cuckolding is one of the hottest fetishes, and one of the most dangerous, and I love it for both of these reasons, along with the simpler explanation that it’s a guilt-free, enticing shag with someone brand new and different.

I used to know a guy who was into this. Who struggled with his desire to keep and hold me, at the same time as his throbbing need to hear stories of me getting used by other men. We used to fuck while we talked about it. Long, slow, trembling shags during which I’d whisper in his ear…

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Guest blog: Disabled people have kinky sex – who’d have thought it?

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rope bondage - cannot get over the hotness of one-stocking-on-one-stocking-off

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

This week’s guest blog is one I’ve been waiting to post for a while, so I hope it gives you something to think about. Writing a pretty personal sex blog means I end up focusing heavily on my own experience. If I’m challenging any assumptions, they’ll (usually) be ones that affect my life: the myth that men want sex and women want money, the idea that feminism is shit for men, the body myths about what exactly counts as ‘attractive’, etc. But we’re loaded down with a million more assumptions when it comes to sex, and I lack the personal experience to blog about them with anything other than an angry detachment. These things piss me off, but someone who has been directly affected by this bullshit is far better placed to explain why than I am.

So please welcome Richard. He’s an author, sick of the assumptions that people make about disabled people, who has written a novel that explores capabilities and societal limits, starring a disabled serial killer as the anti-hero. You can read extracts from the novel over on his Goodreads blog, or buy it from Amazon, and in the meantime check out his guest blog, and please don’t be surprised that disabled people have kinky sex too…

 

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