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On tits

Tits are like kittens: extremely popular on the internetThe problem with people is that they don’t touch my tits enough. There is a serious lack of tit-grabbing in my life, and it’s an issue that frankly needs to be adressed. My MP didn’t reply to my letter, so I’m going to write it here instead:

I love my tits, they’re awesome. They’re also extremely sensitive. If you touch them I will whimper like a slut in handcuffs. Touch them.

Teenage boys are (sorry, were when I was younger – please don’t arrest me) amazing in a multitude of ways, but primarily they are amazing because they show tits the love that they deserve. A teenage boy will stare at them, squeeze them, suck them, bite them, and all but worship them as the second coming of Christ if you let him get within a couple of feet.

But grown-ups seem to be bored of them. Sure, they’ll give you a quick feel when you’re snogging, they’ll take off your top and do some cursory playing during sex, but it’s been a long time since someone tried to furtively get mine out in the back row of a cinema, or gaped at them open-mouthed like a drooling dog in a butcher’s shop.

I’ve never met a man who says he doesn’t like tits. And yet as grown men they miss out on a million opportunities to touch them up. I can think of no occasion when I’ve been sitting with a guy on the sofa getting stoned and watching South Park that wouldn’t have been immeasurably improved if he’d had one hand down my shirt idly pinching one of my nipples.

Likewise I’ve been on countless long bus journeys that would have seemed shorter with a guy’s hands up my top. In McDonalds? If no kids are looking, why not reach over and pop open one of the buttons on my shirt. Have a look, go on. Walking down the street? Put your hand round my waist so you can slide it up occasionally and cup one of them in your hand. If I’m in the front seat of a car and you’re in the passenger seat, reach round and grab them. Come up behind me while I’m writing and run your hands down from my shoulders and into my bra. Slip one hand inside my coat on a cold winter’s day. Go on. Please. Touch my tits – I’ll buy you a sandwich.

And during sex? Why not grab them? Go on – just a bit, squeeze them a little. If you’re on top and you need your arms to hold you up, put one hand on each of my tits and hold yourself up that way. It hurts, and is hot and brilliant. I appreciate that watching them jiggle is one of the most fun things about sex, but why not interrupt that jiggling every once in a while by grabbing my nipples and feeling my cunt twitch and my legs tense up as you squeeze them nice and hard, yeah?

I guess as you grow up you’re more focused on the ultimate goal – the cunt. But while your cock’s in there your hands are free, so if it’s not too much trouble, and if you’re not that busy: touch them. Pretty pretty please.

30 Comments

  • Brightnomad says:

    I don’t care if it’s an evolutionary thing but my life has been vastly improved by boobs. If the constitution guaranteed me boobs; food and a good nights rest I’d forego most other rights. How anyone can tire of them is beyond me.

    The only thing that makes me sad is when a woman hates having them because that is all some men see. They are amazing additions to a person; not the sole reason for their existence.

    Objectification arguments etc. Tired of not telling women they are sexy because it might offend. The fine line between sleazy and genuine compliment is often blurred due to nasty oppressive types who are actually bullying us with their own hang-ups and then blaming everyone but themselves.

  • sassy_yassy says:

    Hear hear! You put this so well…I’m going to show my other half now…

  • enticedbytizer says:

    I am one of the lucky ones then – I’m in my late twenties and my other half wastes no time in titting me up whenever we’re on the bus.

  • girlonthenet says:

    I am massively jealous if your other half gets this instinctively – please ask them to run some sort of course for the others who don’t get it =)

    @BN – you raise a good point about objectification – it’s a fine line to walk because some girls are genuinely worried/offended about it. I will consider what the solution is and then declare that I have solved it in a future blog post. Suspect it’s going to come down to sensitivity mostly, but also possibly a lesson to girls to be better at recognising what’s a genuine compliment as opposed to what’s just sleaze.

  • Tim says:

    My life has been greatly affected by boobs. I love them. I love them more and more all the time. In fact, it’s my firm belief that there is a double standard. Guys are able to walk around with no shirt on, so why can’t chicks. It’s not fair.

    Boobs for life!

  • BrenUK says:

    I always say – Tits are like train sets. …Cos they’re meant for the kids, but dad always ends up playing with em! ;)

  • Emma says:

    My boyfriend never wastes a second. No matter where we are he’ll slide his hand up my top (chuckling when I shiver because his hand is FREEZING) and squeeze my tits and play with my nipples until I’m just about ready to push him towards the nearest private spot and beg him to fuck me.

    He’ll even try it in situations where it’s completely inappropriate – family gatherings etc – and I have to hold both of his hands to stop him trying to feel me up so that I don’t have to suddenly excuse the both of us so that I can drag him away.

    The best is at the cinema though. In a deserted cinema, when we’re the only people there, we sit at the back. He’ll undo the buttons on my shirt, pull my bra down and ignore the film as he plays with my nipples mercilessly. Then of course there’s that beautiful moment when he shoves my hand down his trousers and his hand finds it’s way into my knickers……

  • Mehema says:

    I just love it when he randomly puts his hands in my clothes ;) 0-60 in nipple-squeezing time!

    x

  • ashwin says:

    I am a huge fan of tits and I attack my girlfriend’s tits no matter where we are. The thing is though even though I love her tits I tend to get bored after suck, biting and squeezing them really hard and the usual stuff. I am not very creative with the boobs even though I’d love to just stick with them forever. Any unique things you like men doing to your breasts?

  • Mark says:

    I cannot tell you how much it makes me bang my head against the wall over and over at the fact that I haven’t met enough women like all of you lot. According to the above I’m the perfect man. *expires in fit of frustration*

  • Lee says:

    Tim Minchin says it best: (listen to it all, but the relevant bit starts at about 1:15)

    http://youtu.be/wmnxF_WTOgg

  • Big Danger says:

    I am way late to the party here but I love my wife’s tits, they are perfect! I touch, fondle, kiss and admire them all the time. And my wife is always showing them to me. Because she knows I love them and when she shows them to me she’ll get them touched, fondled, kissed and admired! Tits are wonderful!

  • benjo says:

    Girlonthenet……. I worship all boobs ALL the time im addicted to them and lickin suckin nips so ever in need hit me up lol

  • Sad boobs says:

    I realise that you wrote this a long time ago but I just felt the need to comment. I recently had fumbly druken sex with a new bae and as good and all as it was I swear to god he must have touched my boobs twice during the whole encounter. This was a total first and I swear I have a complex that he didn’t like them! Who doesn’t play with boobs?Its the hottest fucking thing ever!!! So please may I appeal to ‘Boston’ (you know who you are) if you plan on taking me home on Thursday night play with my boons or I’m going to have to show you a think or two…and you know I hate being the dominant one!

  • Lacrymology says:

    I will say something.. I hope I get some useful feedback (and I hope your site would message me when there’s a reply to my comments).

    My girlfriend.. well, she has the most amazing boobs in the universe and I love them, and I like touching them and fondling them, and all that jazz.. but she’s extremely sensitive around them. She likes it, but if I grope too hard, or bite too soon or even worse, if I cup a feel sort of casually, she feels disgusted.. like I’m disrespecting them. It’s a fucking serious turnoff for her, if I do it and do it wrong, and I don’t realize… well, it’s enough to go from full-on-fuck-me-mode to get-off-my-back-right-now-mode

    Now, I totally understand the feeling, the idea that not being respectful about them might make her feel like a piece of meat, and not in a good way, and that pain tolerance depends on horniness more than a bit. My concern is not that she’s being unreasonable or unfair. My concern is that I’ll become overly careful and will end up in the group of men you’re complaining about

    • Lacrymology says:

      s/hope/wish/

    • Girl on the net says:

      This is an easy one to answer: not all women think the same as me. It’s perfectly possible that your girlfriend wouldn’t feel the same way as I do about tit-touching. As a general rule, I’d always go with what your partner expressly wants – no need to double-think it just because I want different things!

      Re: emails when people reply to comments – there should be a tickbox below each comment that says ’email me when people reply to this’ – have you ticked it and do you get them? If it’s not working for you I’ll look into it and see if something’s broken on the site.

      • Lacrymology says:

        I understand that. I was just commenting on how reality-bending having a long-standing relationship can be. It’s hard to tell apart what’s “generally appropriate” and what’s personal preference.

        I don’t even see the checkbox

        • Girl on the net says:

          Damn, that’s odd – thanks for letting me know though! I’ll look into it. Would you mind telling me which browser you’re using?

  • El Stevo says:

    One of the best things in life is feeling a hard nipple press into your palm as you cup a breast.

  • Daniel says:

    I was just thinking about this the other day, and you’re right A lot of my friends say they can take or leave breasts, and that it’s pusies that get them off. I’ve never been able to understand that. I love breasts so much. I could fondle and play with them and suck them for hours, even without actual fucking. I’m 25, and my love for breasts has never diminished. Honestly, I’ve always worried that I tend to pay too much attention to a woman’s breasts during foreplay, just because I enjoy them so much. So, fear not, there are men who still love breasts and worship them as they deserve to be.

  • Victoria says:

    Hey so I’m a woman who 15000% agrees with you! I just have two problems:
    1. My bra size is a 30A… yeah you think men get bored of your boobs?? Imagine most guys not even taking interest in them or watching them bounce. …. yeah (did I mention I LOVE when my boobs are touched?)
    2. Like I said I’m a 30A so when my boyfriend touches my boobs it makes me feel pathetic that I have to move into awkward positions for him to get a real “scoop” This leaves me incredibly insecure and for an act that really gets me going.. I shouldn’t have to feel like a unworthy flat little girl.
    PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE!

    • ben says:

      If you were with me you wouldn’t feel pathetic, I love very small boobies. what’s more important is the lady, size isn’t the issue. my Wiener is very small but responds to stimulation very well. I’m sure small breasts respond as well. I guess we need to have Tee shirts that say, “I like my stuff fondled”

  • Ben says:

    I wish people could talk openly about everything w/out fear of being taken to court. Size seems to be everything for men and ladies. The person is most important.

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