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On what is not wrong with you, part 2: having body hair

There seems to be a fashion these days for guys to shave their bollocks. The first time I ever touched shaved bollocks I was utterly fascinated – mainly by the weird plasticine-y feel of them, but also partly by the motivation.

Why the living fuck would a guy want to shave his bollocks? What earthly good could it possibly do him? Does it make him swim faster, bang harder or achieve greater recognition for his successes in the workplace? Does it make him good at science or gain him entry into exclusive private members’ clubs? Is the warmth generated from having all the extra pubic hair rendering his sperm so relaxed and sluggish that he is incapable of impregnating a lady friend?

Baffling.

I’ve since met more guys who do it, and have discussed with them the reasons why they might be tempted, on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, to take a razor to their genitals.

Girls like it

I’m informed that some girls like naked balls. It apparently makes it more pleasant when you’re running your tongue from the base of his cock down to his perineum if you don’t end up with the odd hair in your mouth while doing it.

Fair enough – if a girl’s giving you head she doesn’t want all that icky hair getting in the way. It’s just not natural – having body hair that naturally grows from your natural body.

It feels nice

This one is a divider – some guys think it feels lovely, and they like the feeling of clean pants rubbing against a freshly balded sack. But I’ve met others who hate the extra stickiness generated, and think the feeling is somewhat akin to having bollocks made of silly putty.

It makes your cock look bigger

Why on earth would you want to make it look bigger? The best thing about having a big cock is that when you put it in me I can feel it stretching me and filling me up and banging hard against my cervix. No amount of shaving will make any difference to this and, in fact, if your cock looks big and feels smaller, the only reaction you’ll get is one of initial delight followed by mild disappointment.

Body hair: the right answer

By ‘the right answer’ I, as ever, mean ‘what I think.’ Body hair is completely natural and normal, and as such it is yet another of those genuinely delightful things about naked boys. I would prefer it if you didn’t shave it all off.

Obviously some body hair is nicer than others – that line running from your crotch to your belly button is so sexy that I’m not sure I can write on it in detail without going for a lie-down. Likewise, the fuzz of hair that collects in the crook of your back is delightful and beautiful and almost worthy of a blog of its very own. So hair is good.

That’s not to say smoothness feels bad – on the contrary it can feel really nice sometimes. But shaved bollocks in particular feel odd and clinical. What’s more they grow back stubbly, and then they scratch.

But the look and feel of them isn’t the main thing that gets me. By all means shave the fuck out of your body if you genuinely want to, or if you enjoy cupping your nuts when you’ve had at them with a razor, but I’ll still think you’re a bit odd for wanting to because it just seems like a lot of unnecessary effort.

Shaved things have to be reshaved regularly, which takes time as well as effort. Time and effort that could much better be spent doing something fun – forcing me to bury my face in your hirsute crotch and suck your dick nice and hard, letting me grip it until you moan a little and ask me to stop squeezing, then making me sit on the coffee table touching myself while you stand over me and shoot jizz all over my face. For example.

WARNING: I am about to mention the patriarchy

Ever since man first dragged woman out of the cave by her hair, women have been giving a massive shit about their hair. It’s not my job to question why, only to lament the fact that, as a woman, I spend far more time than is sensible either removing unwanted hair or explaining to people in stampy feminist tones why actually no, I don’t have the fucking time to wax myself bald from the waist down. I am usually too busy having a career, or seeing friends, or fucking guys, or enjoying a life that does not revolve around beautifying myself to achieve the validation of shallow people.

This shit is a pain in the arse for women. Men – you’re lucky enough to be in the 50% of the human race that isn’t currently burdened with expectations about the removal of your body hair. Don’t fuck it up for yourselves.

Society doesn’t – at the moment – expect you to shave your balls. Be wary of turning it into a majority activity. I’m not telling you not to shave them – do what the actual fuck you want to do with your own body – but please keep reminding yourself that you never ever have to.

I dread living in a world where men have their back, sack and crack waxed because they think it’s normal. It is not ‘normal’ to remove your body hair. It’s onerous, boring and unnecessary, and you probably have better things to do. Like me.

24 Comments

  • Mo says:

    I’m not a huge fan of body hair. Entirely personal preference too, of course. I shave fairly thoroughly, and have done for long enough that I’ve not really thought about it in years — although I don’t go the extent of de-fuzzing my sack for the reasons cited above (it can get REALLY bastard itchy); my balls aren’t that monstrously hairy to begin with. The effort required to shave a crotch if you’re a guy is pretty minimal — my face consumes far more of my time than any other part of my body (and there are [particularly long] days where I’ve needed to give it a once-over in the early evening so as to not feel distractingly like I’ve got iron filings glued to my lip). So, while I don’t tend towards standing in front of a full-length mirror, engaging in some ball-fondling and appreciating their textural similarity to Play-Doh, as far as I take it *does* feel nice (more importantly: nicer than the default state). Plus, it’s something to do in the bath, isn’t it? I’m just glad at this point that boys don’t feel it necessary to shave their legs — at that point, I rebel.

  • Mo says:

    Oh, also — solid justification for hair removal in the nether regions: pubic hair in the back of the throat? There is nothing on earth which makes you choke like that.

    • girlonthenet says:

      See, that’s totally fine – if it’s what you want to do and is your personal preference, obviously. But the hair in the back of the throat thing? I genuinely have never had a problem with it and what issues I have had have been far outweighed by the fun of giving blowjobs.

      And from the other side (controversial opinion coming up) if someone doesn’t like giving me head because I don’t wax my crotch bald, then I’d rather go without than start a hair-removal routine I can’t keep up with.

      • Mo says:

        I could note that you could take or leave a boy giving you head *anyway*, so that’s somewhat moot. It’s rarely (in my experience) quite so binary in any case: a matter of preference rather than absolutes.

        Mind you, there’ll be people who *are* steadfast about not going near boys/girls who do/don’t put themselves through certain rituals, but their existence is something I only have second-hand anecdotal evidence of.

  • Where we're going, we don't need names. says:

    Y’know, all of us guys are obsessed with our cocks and balls. Of course we are occasionally going to do silly things with them.

    (Also, sometimes we want to fuck shallow girls who conform to societal pressure about beauty myths. Just sometimes.)

    • Owen says:

      Sometimes?? I only ever want shallow girls who conform to societal pressure about beauty myths. The more slavishly conformist they are the hotter they get.
      Hairless, odourless, blemish-free and slathered in makeup and perfume please. You can keep your ‘earthy’ types, with their ‘natural’ scent, ‘goddess-y’ exudations and their fecund pubes. Jesus.

      • Owen says:

        My favourite girls are the ones who let you correct your fucking spelling mistakes on their blogs though.

        • girlonthenet says:

          Nice try – no edit function for you. Comment editing on blogs makes for easier trolling and hacks me off. I’ll go in and edit your spelling mistake for you though. I’m nice like that.

  • Chaz says:

    I’ve dated guys who shave and those who don’t. I prefer a guy to trim (he doesn’t have to be completely smooth), as I have had the hair at the back of my throat that wouldn’t budge for 2 days – ack!

    I wonder what your stance is on women shaving? Men seem to expect a woman to be completely hair free these days. I have had a guy say, “Oh, you’re wearing your winter coat” because I had a landing strip(!) (I’d been waxed the day before!).

    I’d prefer not to shave my legs, my underarms and especially my bikini area, as it is a time-consuming hassle and I invariably cut myself. Waxing and shaving bring me out in a rash and I’m allergic to depilatory creams, so epilation is the only option left to me, which is bloody painful, actually, and I don’t do pain!

    However, it’s never been fashionable for women to be hirsute, so I conform to society’s expectations. And if I have to, then the blokes bloody well have to too!

    • girlonthenet says:

      My opinion on female body hair is similar – if you want to do it: fine. If you don’t: fine. Basically people who are uptight about this sort of thing and insist on perfection and smooth legs are generally not the sorts of people I want to fuck.

      Also, the rash – good God the rash. Shaving is less bad for some reason, but if I wax my bikini line after a couple of days it looks like I have some sort of weird disease.

  • Nathan says:

    Is trimming allowed?

    If I don’t trim, it looks like I’m sneaking Foxxy Cleopatra round in my boxers…

    • girlonthenet says:

      Argh! “Allowed”? It’s all “allowed” – I’m not trying to ban anyone from anything. Nor would I ever say to any of my boys that they have to be one way or the other. They are my boys because I find them desperately sexy exactly how they are. So yes, trim if you like, shave if you like, cover the bloody thing in glitter glue if that’s what floats your boat – it’s your body: do what you want with it =)

  • Chris says:

    I trim, I have shaved fully but never get to the point where my balls are without its winter coat. I find like some have said it can itch and wanting me to scratch like I got some disease.

    As for a lady shaving, this is my bug bear. For me they have to be shaved, Bald or well trimmed. This came about after a bad experience doing oral which I have never been able to get over.

    To this day I cannot do oral with my girl friend due to this phobia as such. :(

    But as you say if the person likes to shave, trim or wax then so be it. :)

  • Ananke says:

    I used to go out with a guy who had a thing about hair. Not liking it, to be precise. And thus, he was entirely hairless (well, he had brows and lashes, but that was that). I didn’t find it particularly attractive at the time, and in hindsight…

    I don’t like overly hirsute, either, mind, but I guess really whatever path someone wants to walk down, if I like them I’m not really that fussed what their follicles are up to.

    Me – well, I’m subject to the wishes of partners rather than society. ;-) Their preference is and always has been pretty much for the “less is more” school of thought… but even when I’m single, I tend to maintain the same sort of thing. I do wonder what would happen if I ever went out with someone who preferred me au naturel… *gah*

  • Stephanie says:

    As a feminine disabled woman married to a disabled man, the removal of body hair is more difficult for me than it is for most people. Now, I manage most bits, but shaving my legs and even using hair removal lotion is extremely difficult and exhausting and asking someone to do it, well, really – would you?? Would any able-bodied person think of doing such a thing?

    But there are limits. It’s taken me almost 30 years to realize that I finally do not have to literally risk my life to live up to the expectations of other people. Trying to shave my legs requires me to balance, which owing to my disability is difficult for me to do because my legs are stiff and spastic, and they can spasm uncontrollably (OUCH!). It also makes me very tired. I have to lie down for a nap afterwards!

    There’s also a huge stigma about people with disabilities – “they’re not supposed to have sex or be sexual beings”. Nothing could be farther from the truth! I’m not saying all people believe this, but it’s a pervasive belief in society. How many models do you see featured on magazine covers who are in wheelchairs?

    I’d much rather do something much more interesting than shave my legs regularly!

    These paragraphs really spoke to me:

    “Ever since man first dragged woman out of the cave by her hair, women have been giving a massive shit about their hair. It’s not my job to question why, only to lament the fact that, as a woman, I spend far more time than is sensible either removing unwanted hair or explaining to people in stampy feminist tones why actually no, I don’t have the fucking time to wax myself bald from the waist down. I am usually too busy having a career, or seeing friends, or fucking guys, or enjoying a life that does not revolve around beautifying myself to achieve the validation of shallow people.

    This shit is a pain in the arse for women. Men – you’re lucky enough to be in the 50% of the human race that isn’t currently burdened with expectations about the removal of your body hair. Don’t fuck it up for yourselves.

    Society doesn’t – at the moment – expect you to shave your balls. Be wary of turning it into a majority activity. I’m not telling you not to shave them – do what the actual fuck you want to do with your own body – but please keep reminding yourself that you never ever have to.

    I dread living in a world where men have their back, sack and crack waxed because they think it’s normal. It is not ‘normal’ to remove your body hair. It’s onerous, boring and unnecessary, and you probably have better things to do. Like me.”

  • Ash says:

    On the makes your dick look bigger thing – it’s not so much for our partners as it is for our egos. I personally shave because most of the women I sleep with prefer it that way, but also because it makes my skinny 7 inches look bigger in the mirror.

  • Charlotte says:

    Too true! Leave it on! The same goes for women, I hate that it is now ‘accepted’ that they should remove all their hair waist down. I dont accept it, decided against doing it and haven’t had many complaints so far. Ladies and gents – keep it trimmed by all means, but shaving? POINTLESS

  • John says:

    Just came across this opinion piece. Good points. It is all personal preference. I get waxed regularly as I prefer it smooth less itchy as well than when I was hairy.
    It also means BJs don’t have hair potentially causing a problem.

    As for pussies yes I do prefer smooth but more the Bermuda Triangle than full Brazilian as still hair to play with as I want to do. Also acts like a arrow pointing at fun zone.

  • Barry says:

    Getting my chest, stomach, shoulders, balls, anus and penis waxed involves going to see a drop dead gorgeous young woman every four weeks, stripping naked for her (which I love doing) and having her put hot wax on my cock and hold it and move it around. I always get hard and she likes that. The result looks fine but I’m not really bothered one way or another.

  • Oxyfromsg says:

    I trim and keep it tidy, but its still hairy down there.
    What anyone else does…thats down to them and good on them i say.
    Ive never turned down someone im intrested in (male or female) because they either have or have not got body hair.

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