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On getting head

Heresy though it is – I don’t really like it.

I don’t actively dislike it, and if you want me to sit on your face I will no doubt have quite a pleasant time. Ultimately what you’re doing is tonguing my clit, which is better than a kick in the teeth. But there’s something missing – your cock.

It sounds a bit dull, but my actual fetish (in the strictest sense of ‘can’t properly get off without it’) is your cock. I want it to be hard, and in me – I don’t care where. My mouth, my ass, my cunt – plunge it into one of my armpits and hump till you’re spent for all I care. But for me to have a good time it has to be hard and more or less in me.

And so getting head is usually a bit frustrating. It’s pleasant, it ticks most of the boxes and stimulates the nerve endings that matter, but there’s just something missing. In a contest between two otherwise equal guys, one of whom was offering to tongue me until I saw stars, and the other who was offering to fuck my mouth and then push me out of a window, I’d go for the latter, no question.

Getting head just doesn’t, as a rule, do it for me.

The bit that contradicts that bit I’ve just written

I feel like this would fall a bit flat if I didn’t give you some sort of detail – it’s quite a dull opinion, after all – so I’ll admit that there was one guy who gave head that made me drool. OK, not just drool – writhe and moan and whimper and squirm and sigh and come.

I had no idea why – at the time I couldn’t work out what the hell it was that made his mouth so much more worth having there than anyone else’s. Having had time to reflect on it I’d hazard that part of the reason was that he made a point of it. It wasn’t a cursory thing. He wasn’t bending down and licking as a short prelude to sex, a ‘do I have to do this?’ reciprocation of the head I’d given him – he lay between my legs, he got comfy, and most importantly (I think) he settled the fuck down.

That definitely made me relax and enjoy it more, but it still didn’t really explain why what he was doing felt so different. I enjoyed it partly because I knew he was in it for the long haul, but partly because I was genuinely enjoying the sensation.

I’m so ineloquent on this subject. I’m stumped. I have no idea what a boy can do with his mouth that makes a girl go crazy – I have no idea what, specifically, he was doing that made me so happy. But that’s OK – I don’t know everything. Luckily, there’s always the option to draft in the experts.

If you’ve never emailed an ex to say “hey, you did this thing that was fucking spectacular and I have no idea why or how, would you mind writing about it so I can publish it on (oh by the way I write) a sex blog?” then you definitely should. It wields spectacular results.

Ladies and gents, I give you Number 10:

I give my best head when I’m really turned on, and it’s largely intuitive/instinctual at that point. In order to stay at that maximum-hardness level of turned on for a decent length of time I need some sort of stimulation to my cock. Sixty-nine-ing or her having a hand free are obviously good (although if I’m doing it properly she won’t be coherent enough to stay focused on what she’s doing) but if I want her to be able to just relax and enjoy it I find lying face down with my weight on my cock suffices.

Here’s my theory on why it works, though I could be wrong. I thought before that it had something to do with equivalence of nerve endings – that you can see the connection between a guy’s cock and a girl’s clit, and imagine that one is the other – I don’t think that was quite right. I now think it’s more to do with being able to tap into the rhythm and intensity drives associated with being fully erect and stimulated. I’d guess what I’m doing with my tongue is following the same tempo as my cock would be, if it were there.

So there you go. But don’t take my word for it – or indeed his. Everyone’s different, which is what makes the world such a fascinating and disgusting and horrifying and excellent place. You might do it differently and have your ladyfriend squirming with the unrestrained delight of a kid in a Christmas-themed sweetshop. You might be a girl who can’t come without at least 45 minutes of good, solid, selfless head.

I just happen to be one of those who, barring extremely specific circumstances, can probably take it or leave it. But you know what? That’s OK.

It means that if you like it we can do it and have fun, and if you don’t like it you can sit back and recline while I take your dick right to the back of my throat, safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to reciprocate with anything more than a pat on the ass and a ‘good girl’ when I’m done.


  • Fenn says:

    Sometimes I agree with you so much it’s a little fucking scary.

    ‘…my actual fetish is your cock’ hit me square between the thighs.

    Having said that, most guys I’ve slept with do love going down and I enjoy receiving because they’re getting off on it and that’s generally hot for me. Plus I love going down on boys and girls and would hate to be denied that pleasure.

    Plus, as you’ve noted, sometimes it can be absolutely fucking amazing (for me the addition of a serious bit of hard penetration makes all the difference) so I’m glad it’s an option.

    Still, 9 times out of 10, I’d much rather my partner’s mouth was a lot
    further North…

  • Jonny says:

    Because sometimes 140 characters isn’t enough.

    I think this is all down to the skill of the giver. I’ve had girlfriends who could never make me come by giving me head and I’ve had girlfriends who ruin their chances of having sex with me by being terrifyingly good at it.

    The women I’ve known who haven’t been that good have, after asking, admitted they don’t really enjoy it. This is fine, everyone likes different things and so on.

    Through conversations with friends, I know more women who enjoy giving head than men do. It’s not madness to say that the men who don’t really enjoy it that much probably aren’t that good at it. Your number 10 there clearly enjoys it and has therefore learnt how to do it properly.

    Me? I love giving head, it’s huge fun and there’s very little I find more of a turn-on than seeing a woman have to put a pillow over her own face to stop her flatmates from hearing her screams. Though, that said, she might’ve been in excruciating pain. Best not to think about it.

    • girlonthenet says:

      “I know more women who enjoy giving head than men do.” – YES. Why is this? I would genuinely love to know. Not that, you know, most boys hate giving head, but there are definitely fewer who will launch into it with the same enthusiasm as Number 10, or indeed with the enthusiasm that I have for their cock. If any evolutionary biologists/anthropologists/people who know about this shit are reading I would genuinely love to know the answer.

      p.s. I expect if there was pain she’d probably have told you. Unless the pain was good pain, in which case you’re fine =)

      • JustMBC says:

        I feel That its down to what gets you off. Exactly the point that’s been skimmed a few times.

        I Come my hardest when the woman I’m with comes…. I just can’t help it. The process of being in control enough to dictate (to some extent) when a woman comes, how hard she comes, and if she comes at all is a power that evolves from finding out about her likes and dislikes. Because I’ve met a lot of women who can NOT come from penetration at first I’ve learnt to read there bodies from giving head. thus i’ve grown to enjoy it. To the point of pushing them past the sensation of its too sensitive don’t touch me mark to (in two cases) Coming close to blacking out.

        Though on the flip side to that Personally I don’t see what all the fuss is about receiving head. I have never met a woman who can make me come from going down on me. Come on me and drip down my balls while I physically lift you off the floor and fuck you and I’ll be ready to go again in minuets.

  • Marcus says:

    I would just like to add that there are, an admittedly small, number of men who really don’t care much to receive head either. I should know, I’m one of them; it just does nothing for me whatsoever. I’m more than happy to go down on my partner if she enjoys it, but frankly, I’d be happier with a kiss on the lips rather than the tip of a tongue in my japs eye. (Sorry. – Too much detail?)

  • Where we're going, we don't need names. says:

    I give the most amazing head in the world. There are not very many things in life I feel confident about, but my ability to make a girl feel like her world just exploded by licking her where it counts is my single greatest talent.

    I don’t say that to boast. Fuck knows it’s a bloody obscure thing to be good at and not something you can put on your CV. But you blog post gave me an excuse to stand up and say that I AM GOOD AT SOMETHING. So I have.

    I mean, I’m a crap shag otherwise, but at least I know I can do one thing right.

  • girlonthenet says:

    @Where we’re going we don’t need names – for some reason I find that completely adorable. I have no idea why, because technically what you’re saying is that you’re really arrogant about one thing but really shit in bed. This is… cute? I think something’s wrong with my brain.

    @Fenn – I take your point about head being fun for the giver – I wouldn’t ever say ‘no’ if someone really wanted to do it because part of the fun is seeing their eyes light up and their general enthusiasm when they’re doing it. But yeah. Cock. Mmm. Better =)

    @Marcus – I have met some of these men. While I understand the general point (and have been able to persuade one or two that they *do* like it when it’s done a bit differently, they generally make me sad. Having said that there’s always sex. And buttsex. And a whole host of other things that are still fun with a guy who doesn’t like head.

  • Ananke says:

    I haven’t had nearly my fair share of it, what with my orgasms being on a hair trigger. My theory is that most blokes see it as a way to get a girl to come – and if they can do that in another way, they will. It’s the orgasm-implement-of-last-resort.

    In a previous poly relationship I was terribly envious of the other woman, who could only come from that hour of constant cunnilingus… and therefore got it, every time. Do you know, I don’t think that particular partner ever went down on me, now I come to think of it…

    So I’m guessing he wasn’t particularly a fan, did it because it was the only thing that worked for her, and so I probably didn’t miss much. As others have said, and as with so much about sex, if your heart’s not in it…

    Currently, I probably get it 5% of the time, and really love it (he’s very good), but while I think I’m less ambivalent than you, I doubt I’d ever mention it or ask for more of it either. There’s plenty of things higher on my “head explode” list.

    And in another previous relationship, I was apparently quite good at doing the girl-head thing. I probably miss giving it more than I miss receiving it, actually!

    • girlonthenet says:

      Giving it is indeed quite fun, although suspect that *I* think that mainly because it’s so weird and different and tastes funny and is odd and unusual and etc. Perhaps for people more used to it (like the first boy you mentioned) it is reasonably mundane and therefore less fun. I expect if you don’t initially enjoy it but you have to do it to get someone off it becomes something of a chore, like doing the hoovering or something.

    • Dan S. says:

      “My theory is that most blokes see it as a way to get a girl to come – and if they can do that in another way, they will. It’s the orgasm-implement-of-last-resort”

      I’m sure this is true a lot of the time, but some of us just love giving head. Sure its always great making a girl cum, but I give head for the sheer love of burying my face in a women’s crotch.

      I’ve got a real fetish for it, but have been quite surprised that a lot of women just aren’t that into it.

      In my book nothing beats pushing a girl into the corner of a room, pulling her knickers off and licking her until her knees buckle

  • Hayley says:

    I couldn’t agree more strongly. I have never come from being given head, it feels nice, but it’s just that, nice. I get bored and end up begging to have their cock in me, one guy was insulted by this and said “well you could at least pretend to enjoy it”.
    I still don’t rule it out if they insist though, I await the day I find someone who blows my mind with their oral skills.

  • Pup says:

    I’m the oppositite to most of the posts above… I love getting head but not as keen on the giving. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a selfish lover – I do give, and guys love it but it’s something about control… I’m in total control of guy when I’m going down on him and that just doesn’t do it for me mentally.

    What I love about a guy pleasuring me is that he’s totally in control of himself, in control of me, giving me pleasure and generally I’m almost begging him not to stop.

    I’m a control freak in normal life, does it show? :)

  • Thane Flynn says:

    As someone else mentioned, a part of it has to do with skill or the lack thereof. Let’s face it some guys are too lazy to learn to properly eat pussy. But beyond skill there is a factor far more important. Too often, as you noted in your post, a guy’s approach to giving head is simply a tit-for-tat reciprocation. I’ve lost count of the number of girls who have told me they can take it or leave it who suddenly discovered they really really liked it. I don’t claim I’m an expert at it but the difference is I truly enjoy going down on a woman and women are always astonished to learn that. Among those who had previously told me it didn’t really do much for them, invariably it turned out in every case that what turned them off was knowing guys who had given them head before were just doing it out of a perceived obligation. As much as I enjoy a good blow job, I can imagine it wouldn’t be a great experience having a girl give me one when clearly she wasn’t enjoying it but only attempting to fulfill my expectations. I have no doubt the fellow you spoke of, like me has a real liking for giving oral attention to a lovely pussy.

  • Lee says:

    When I’m giving my Lady head, and she gets to that “Omg don’t stop!” point, that’s right when I do, for a second, let up, breathe on her clit, then go right back to doing what I was doing.

    It really works for her, and her response really turns me on, and that’s why I like giving head.

    And, gosh, I miss sex with her. There’s a lot of good reasons why we stopped, but scribing this reminded me of how much I missed being sexy :)

    And giving head in particular ;)

  • Stepanie says:

    Greetings! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having trouble finding one? Thanks a lot!

  • sarag says:

    Push you out of a window…?

  • Jay says:

    I wish you wouldn’t write about this in case you discourage blokes from doing it. In case anyone out there WAS feeling discouraged, DON’T be! I love it, I need it, & the majority of other females feel the same (I’m sure). Although like people have already said, it has to be done with good spirit, where you can tell the person actively enjoys getting their face as close to pussy as possible & would want to do it even if you don’t come (this will mean you can) & wants to be there long enough to get you to come. I don’t like face sitting or anything exotic, I just want to lie back, close my eyes & get eaten.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Blimey. That’s kind of a weird request. I want to write about things I don’t enjoy alongside things I do – I think everyone has a unique sexual fingerprint, and we all like different things. I’d hope and expect that the guys reading this will recognise this as well, otherwise we’re all screwed (and not in a good way). I think it’s important to be honest about sex, and I’d no more pretend that I like head than I’d try and pretend that all women enjoy anal. Bit gutted that you think I should only ever write up the things I love – I think that’d give a very one-sided view of sex, and would probably contribute towards reinforcing the idea that all women enjoy the same thing.

      Edited to add – I just realised that this was a blog post in which I specifically said that as well:

      “But don’t take my word for it – or indeed his. Everyone’s different, which is what makes the world such a fascinating and disgusting and horrifying and excellent place. You might do it differently and have your ladyfriend squirming with the unrestrained delight of a kid in a Christmas-themed sweetshop. You might be a girl who can’t come without at least 45 minutes of good, solid, selfless head.”

  • Jay says:

    And luckily, in my experience a fair proportion of blokes are into it like that, for its own sake

  • Jay says:

    Hmm, I think you misinterpreted my tone. No criticism was meant & I totally get the horses for courses thing. It was meant more humorously, as in for gods sake please don’t ever say anything that could endanger girls that like getting head getting it. No assault on free speech seriously intended

  • Mark says:

    Jay I realize that I am over 7 years late to the party. Wanted to reinforce that some men (like me) really enjoy eating a nice woman for hours and hours. It’s the taste, the smell, the opportunity to give an orgasm to someone who needs and enjoys it. A tongue can be so much more gentle than fingers. The biggest decision is “Does she prefer 69?” or “Does she prefer me looking up at her face as she cums?” As a true fan of female pelvic structure, having my face immersed in those juices is the best pleasure.

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