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Guest blog: Ain’t no man like mine ‘cept mine

What makes someone sexy? This week’s guest blogger  – Dee Emm Elms – lays down some significant truths about desire, via a really unusual crush. Her post is one of the best things anyone’s ever sent me, and I truly hope you understand why.

Ain’t no man like mine ‘cept mine

So, there’s this guy I like, yeah? I’ve harbored a monster crush on this dude since I was 13. I’m 43 now. So, yeah, this has been a thing for a while. 30 years is a long time for a crush. But there it is. And here I am, writing about one of the biggest crushes of my entire life. On someone who doesn’t even really exist. And who is also a raccoon. Named Rocket.

I bet a lot of people who went to see Guardians of the Galaxy have no idea that Rocket has been around in comics for decades, popping up here and there as a sort of in-joke character. “Look – it’s Rocket Raccoon! Remember him? No? That’s okay – neither do we, really. WAH WAH WAAAAAH.”

But over the course of 30 years, practically every time Rocket would appear, I’d be falling backward onto my bed while clutching the comic to my chest and sighing dreamily.

Because that’s how bad of a crush I have always had – and still have – on Rocket Raccoon. That’s why I’m writing here. In putting this little post together, I’m also trying to explain to other people just why he makes me so happy – why he makes me feel so good in my brain … and body. Because, yeah, it’s that kind of crush, too. The kind that’s both physical and mental at the same time. The kind that inspires you and makes you weak-kneed. The kind that makes you giggle hysterically but also makes you want to do better in your real life. And the kind that makes the teenaged you involuntarily moan really loudly at certain particular moments, which leads to your parents barging into your room at midnight but, hey, it’s okay, because you’re under the covers and you’re not looking at pictures of hot naked human men – just a comic book raccoon dude, so, hey, that can’t mean anything, right? So, false alarm, mom and dad, okay? Yyyyyeah. Good night. Door shut? Alone? Locked this time? Whew. “Mmm, your tail is so bushy, Rocket! Your ears are so pointy! Your teeth are so sharp!” Lather, wash your food in a forest stream, repeat.

So, yeah, I do get hot and bothered by him, tail and all. I love his tail. I especially love when artists draw it sticking up and bushy. I think of it over my waist or stomach or legs or face.

But don’t get the wrong idea. My crush on Rocket isn’t some kind of general raccoon fetishizing or anything. I love raccoons; they’re one of my favorite animals. But I’m not talking bestiality here. I’m just talking about Rocket – who, I should note, walks and talks like a human and is extremely intelligent.

And I love his intelligence. In more recent comics – and the media inspired by them – Rocket’s intellect isn’t really brought to the fore, but throughout his story he’s been portrayed as being something of a tactical genius.

So he’s not just the guy who brings the Big Gun. He knows how to use it. He knows how to work with what he has. He’s good with his hands. He can fix things. He can build things. He can hotwire a space station and turn a power generator into a rifle. He’s mentally-strong and he’s capable.

Those are things that make me hot. Downright wet even. You want me to melt? Say “I’m good with my hands” and prove it.

And you know what else makes me hot? A guy who’s basically only himself – who isn’t beholden to what other people think or want him to be. And is original about it all. “Ain’t no thing like me ‘cept me,” Rocket says in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, and I commence to purring deep down in my area regions. That’s perfection to me. A man who isn’t like anything except himself. A man who is unique in all the universe, and who – even if it’s in my imagination – cares about me. Because there ain’t no thing like me ‘cept me, either.

So, there you go. I admit that it’s a very physical thing. Fur is soft, and fangs can grab onto shoulders and shake back and forth playfully, and a cold wet raccoon nose can poke you in a way that makes you squeak in the night.

But, ultimately, I need a man who’s good with his hands, who can tousle and bite and be rough, who lives life hard, who knows how to use the tools he’s given. I need a man who’ll walk through hell for the people he cares about, who proves friendship and love even if it’s in unspoken ways.

A man like that is the hottest kind of man, the sexiest kind of man.

And, sometimes, he’s also a raccoon.

8 Comments

  • Where we’re going, we don’t need names says:

    “And sometimes he’s also a raccoon.”

    The perfect closing line. What a brilliantly well-written post.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Yes! It’s gorgeously written – one of the things I love so much about this post is that, when I first read it, I think *I* fell a bit in love with Rocket as well. Dee is awesome.

  • Love this!

    My crush was always brad pitt’s character in ‘a river runs through’. OK he’s not an animal but in my fantasies he is my animal in bed ;)

    love this post x

  • Moseyonby says:

    OMG I LOVE this post! I was giggling happily throughout–I remember my first crushes as a kid were on cartoon animals. Balto (from the Disney movie) and Simba (The Lion King) were my crushes then. I don’t feel the same way anymore but I LOVE the idea and the memory.

    And I especially loved the simple, life-loving beauty of this comment about crushes: “The kind that inspires you and makes you weak-kneed. The kind that makes you giggle hysterically but also makes you want to do better in your real life.” I definitely have one of those crushes–on a celebrity, not a raccoon, but it’s equally as unlikely to be physically requited/consummated.

    Just–wow. Thank you, Dee, for this adorable and hilariously relatable piece of writing!

  • drey says:

    Dear Girlonthenet,

    Nice blogposts. Really loved this one. Your last paragraph got me. Definately my kind of man

    • Girl on the net says:

      Heya- glad you liked it! This one’s a guest blog so not by me! Wouldn’t want to get credit for someone else’s brilliant work. Her twitter account’s linked at the top of the post.

  • Elphaba says:

    I had no idea what a Rocket Racoon was before I read the article, but the last few paragraphs left me convinced that this creature might in fact be the spirit animal of my current manfriend. Which means now I have a crush on it too. That’s what I love about the internet – one minute you’re browsing interesting links on facebook, and the next you’re a racoon fancier.

  • Charlie says:

    Awesome post for the best character in Guardians of the Galaxy! I’ve recently enjoyed a Japanese anime called Sword Art Online. It’s about a boy who plays an online RPG that using a virtual reality headset called NervGear that basically puts you into a coma while you’re playing the game until you log out. Only the game came with a flaw: the players CAN’T log out. The story follows Kirito, the online avatar of the male character as he progresses through the game solo. He meets up with Asuna, and teams up with her. At first, he has the typical male reaction: the woman is weaker and needs protecting. But Asuna actually proves very quickly that she’s just as bad ass as Kirito is. The two of them together are unstoppable, but there are times in the story when Kirito is the weak one and Asuna is the one to provide the brute force or the shoulder to lean on. I love their relationship because it mirrors mine with my wife, in a way. I married a strong-willed, smart, and hard working woman. When we’re both on top of our game, the world can’t stop us, but it’s been my saving grace to know that when I falter, she’s there to pick me up and come to my defense. We’ve both needed help from each other. She went through two surgeries, and I took off work to assist her recovery both times and when things have been sucking at work and I feel the failures piling up, she was that shoulder for me to cry on and talk me through it. I wish everyone is able to find a love like that, and I’m not saying that out of arrogance. You should always have someone by your side who has your back and is capable of picking you up when you’re at your weakest, just as you should be there for them. I wish that for everyone!

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