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Guest blog: Age and sex toys

A whole bunch of things change as we get older: some of us get more cynical, a bit lazy, more likely to scowl than smile if we’re invited to a birthday party. Other people aren’t me, and they actually get more enthusiastic about things as they age. But while I frequently lament the fact that I don’t have the same attitude I had when I was eighteen, one of the things I rarely consider is the way my body’s changing as I get older.

Recently Valery North wrote a blog post about sex toys and ageing that got me thinking much harder about it. Partly because it’s hot (and I really want the gag that features in this post), but mainly because it covers something that I don’t think I’d considered before. I’d love your thoughts on it – are there toys which used to work for you but don’t any more (or which you used to struggle with but now you love)? I think there’s a tendency to believe that our sexual needs are fixed at a certain point, and we’ll be the same forever. But, as Valery’s post shows, we’re probably much more complicated than that…

Age and sex toys

I don’t really know that this has anything to do with ageing, but I do sort of feel like I’m getting older and my body doesn’t work the way it used to, and some of what this post is about seems to be to do with that, or at least, it’s easy for me to imagine it is.

Since I received a bit of a windfall payment recently, I decided to treat myself. One of the ways I decided to do so was to buy some sex toys. I chose to visit a fetish shop in Cambridge, where I settled on some nipple clamps. Online, I ordered from Girl on the Net’s sponsors,, a cock gag and an anal toy with a suction pad base and a tapered, knobbly design.

I began nipple experiments using clothes pegs about 15 years ago. It hurt, but in the fun way. As time passed, I found clothes pegs more painful (though still enjoyable from time to time) but I still wanted these clamps to feel like a proper masochist. Instead, I feel like a total wuss compared to my earlier experiments. As soon as the grips closed, I had to remove them again. My nipples genuinely seem to be so much more sensitive than they were a decade ago and I have no idea why that should be. I feel like a failure as a masochist!

But my new gag will surely fulfil its purpose. I’ve experimented taking various foodstuffs (like fat sausage rolls, and chocolate eclairs) and any long, cylindrical, and safe-seeming, objects in and out of my mouth as deeply as I can. What could go wrong?

Turns out my experiments have not prepared me for the shape, size, and permanence of a cock gag. The gag only models the glans and its base, with around 3-4cm length. Even so, my gag reflex sprang into action almost as soon as I tried it on. I felt betrayed and let down by my instincts! I want to learn to suck cock properly and this had seemed like such a good way to start, before I find a human partner to try on (as well as being a fun toy for when I have a partner to wear it for me). Instead, I felt like a failure.

Still, I know I love anal play. As recently as 5 years ago, I happily played with massive buttplugs and a torpedo-shaped vibe that slid in just beautifully. Just stick it to the shower cubicle, lube up, and slide down onto it.

Well, not quite. My arse is big. It wouldn’t squidge small enough that the toy could get inside me. Secondly, even though it seemed smaller than the things I used to regularly enjoy, it hurt! I was dismayed and shocked at how out of practice my ring muscle seemed to be. Once it was in, it felt as good as ever but I felt so let down.

Three new toys. Three ways in which my body no longer seems to perform the way I want it to, or remember it doing. Three ways in which I felt like a failure and a wuss.

I have of course not just left it there. I practice on the cock gag every night, building up the stamina, suppressing the gag reflex for longer periods, experimenting in what techniques help me do better (sucking, and breathing round the gag rather than through my nose, both help greatly – tips I picked up from reading women’s advice on blowjobs and deepthroating).

I tease myself with the nipple clamps and see how much I can take, and think up ways to limit how far they close so I can bearably wear them for longer periods. I don’t think I’m ever going to regain the tolerance for nipple pain that I used to have but I hope to enjoy the pain I still can manage.

I hope to get my ring more supple and used to the idea of stretching for things again. Maybe I can find a replacement for that torpedo toy to train it with, and with luck the new toy will help too: I tried it again and, knowing what I could expect, was able to relax more. Maybe the frustration of not being able to use it on the shower wall tensed me up too much the first time, because I certainly found it easier the second time. It will be a while before I feel brave enough to try the enormous buttplugs I used to love, though!

If you enjoyed this post, please do check out Valery’s thoughtful and excellent blog, for posts on things as diverse as kink, Russell Brand and philosophy of mind. If you want to buy any of the toys mentioned in this post, use GOTN10 at SexToys and you’ll get 10% off. And if you’ve similar experiences to share, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

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