Erofame 2017: I fucked a penguin

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Behold, internet gang: I bring you sex toy news from across the sea. Recently I travelled to Hannover for the sex industry trade show Erofame. If you’ve never heard of Erofame before, I can sum it up by telling you that it is basically a giant warehouse full of sex toys, and a bunch of friendly people who are very keen to sell them. Most of the people there were either buyers or sellers, so I felt a little like the weird girl who’d turned up armed with nothing but a camera phone and a penchant for bumming. But I guess that’s appropriate, because it’s exactly what I am. Read on to see some of the most interesting things I spotted at Erofame, including gooey bath liquid that you can roll around and fuck in, a slow-motion video of the most terrifying sex toy on Earth, and a penguin that sucked off my clit. Ready? Let’s go.

Don’t forget to click through and follow those you like, because not only will your life be improved by having more sexy things in it, I will also get credit for sending traffic to these people, and they will shower me with love and (hopefully) free samples that I can give out to you lot as competition prizes.

All the headers link to the company website where possible. 

In no particular order, some of the most interesting things at Erofame…

PerfectFit

When I first walked by this brand’s stall, I literally did a double-take and inside my head a voice cried out ‘WHERE HAS THIS BEEN ALL MY LIFE.’ The brand is called Perfect Fit, and this product is called the ‘thrust bumper.’ Essentially it’s worn over the cock and balls, to provide an extra cushion.

Let me paint you a picture: let’s say you and your partner really love anal, but you have a little too much cock to allow for full insertion without discomfort. You have been enjoying anal gingerly until now, making sure that penetration is slow and gentle and only halfway in, because that is the safest way to do it. With something like the thrust bumper, you can enjoy the glorious joys of full-on anal thrusting, without accidentally sticking too much of the dick in and spoiling the experience with discomfort.

SERIOUSLY. Would also (I think) work well for people who experience endometriosis pain from deep penetration, or those whose dicks are just so long that they struggle to get them all the way in.

They also make this awesome packer, which is hollow on the inside, so you can insert a silicone cock to turn it from soft to hard, or use it over a flesh cock as an extender, or even fill it with M&Ms for a tasty pre-shag treat.*

*that last one is my suggestion, not theirs, but I maintain that pre-sex M&Ms should be more common in this world.

Bijoux Indiscrets

Honestly, my heart hurts with love for some of the beautiful things these people make. I wrote a while ago about a collar and leash set I got from them, and I have one of their pretty bondage harnesses somewhere just waiting for a confident day, but my mental health is such that I may end up waiting a while. And all the while I’m waiting they keep bringing out new ranges of stuff, and my heart hurts a little bit more with each and every one I don’t try on and then wear during a vigorous shag.

One day, you beautiful bastards. One. Day.

The Drilldo

I promised you slow-motion video of the most terrifying sex toy on Earth, and I intend to fulfil it. Behold: the drilldo.

As one of the people I spoke to summed up nicely “it’s the sort of sex toy I’d want to try… but probably only the once.” I am not entirely sure that it is safe, and although I personally have little concern for my own welfare, I wouldn’t be tempted to use it on any of my loved ones.

Still. It’s mesmerising, isn’t it?

Dame products

This company have probably crossed your path at some point. Their flagship product ‘Eva’ was the first to be funded entirely by Kickstarter. This is a pretty remarkable move: usually the story goes the other way, with platforms starting off being friendly to adult content, only kicking us all off their platforms further down the line. Their small-but-powerful vibe is designed to sit just inside the labia, adding extra stimulation when you shag. They gave me one and I intend to try it soon, but meanwhile I will leave you with this picture of it, being presented by an adorable woodland creature that is apparently a beaver, not a squirrel.

Spark Sexual Wellness Festival

Possibly one of the most exciting things of Erofame – I met Erin Chen, founder of Lila Sutra, who also runs the Spark Sexual Wellness Festival in Asia! We chatted a bit about running sex events, and all the challenges and excitements of getting people to bond over sex stuff. It is always brilliant to find out about other sex events that are happening around the world, on the off-chance that I can persuade someone to send me. Watch this space and check out their website above if you’d like to go along…

Bonque vibrators

I almost didn’t include these in my round-up because apparently Bonque vibes aren’t yet available in the UK. But THEY SHOULD BE because holy shit these things are beautiful. Some are hand-painted, others have eggshell inlay, and some are mother of pearl. Literally all of them would look perfect on my mantelpiece.

The Dodil

This is one of those rare things: a product that does something I have genuinely never seen before. It’s made from a material that softens when you put it in hot water, then allows you to shape it as you like. When it cools down, the material becomes hard enough that you can – not to put to fine a point on it – energetically fuck yourself with it. According to the company it’s entirely body-safe (inside and out), and I spent a very happy five minutes squishing its silky softness like a stress ball and thinking this is what it would be like to give Wallace or Gromit a hand-job.

ElectraStim

God, I love ElectraStim. I love them not just because they make amazing e-stim stuff, but because they took the time to introduce me to it properly when I was terrified of the very thought of it, and walk me through the ways in which it wasn’t necessarily the terrifying crotch-directed lightning-bolt that I feared it would be. They advertise on my site (use GOTN10 to get 10% off stuff!) and they sent me a kit which made my vagina work like an electric cock-milking machine, as well as a Jack Socket which is responsible for at least one suspicious stain on my favourite rug. I caught up with them so I could ooh and aaah at their pretty things, and high-five them for sponsoring Eroticon. They’ll be with us in March and they have some fun ideas for hands-on demos for those who want to try their stuff.

And in case you’re wondering what the next thing is on my list to try out, it’s these electro cock-loops. Sexy as fuck.

Three electrastim cock loops with different coloured bits of metal linking them

Different ElectraStim cock loops on display at Erofame

Tenga

It’s actually a fucking travesty that I don’t yet own one of every toy in Tenga’s extensive collection. They’re fucking BEAUTIFUL and fucking SEXY and fucking EFFECTIVE AT GETTING SPUNK OUT OF DUDES I LIKE.

Wistful sigh.

Tenga is my favourite brand of sheath-you-use-to-wank-people-off-with, although that shouldn’t be taken to mean I don’t also love Fleshlight and other brands. Basically, if you give me a dick sheath, I will be a happy girl, as I sit merrily next to my partner on the sofa lubing his aching boner and insisting that he rate each one before he spunks.

Along with their extensive range of manual masturbators, they’re just about to launch a version with powerful vibes embedded in the sleeve (on the right in pic below). I’m getting my hands on one very soon and then I will probably forget to write about it for ages because I’ll be too busy fapping my partner off like he’s a prize racehorse I’m desperate to breed.

Hot Octopuss

I work for these guys, so I am biased. But I think I am self-aware enough to know that even if I didn’t work for them I would want to hump the shit out of everything they make. They are cool and techy, using patented tech to create sensations like I have never felt before (like the ones in Queen Bee or PULSE), and I can tell you from working with him that Hot Octopuss co-founder Adam Lewis is basically OBSESSED with cooking up new ways to help people come. He’s like the Willy Wonka of sex toys, but more focused and better dressed and less likely to turn children into blueberries.

Hot Octopuss won an award for innovation at Erofame and I can’t think of a more worthy winner.

Mystery Vibe

I work with these lovely folks too, and again they are all about inventiveness and innovation when it comes to pleasure. They were at Erofame to show off their smart vibrator Crescendo, which is well worth checking out. But also worth checking out is the fucking amazing work that Steph Alys – one of the Mystery Vibe cofounders – does in terms of outreach and education on sex tech. You might find her at your nearest tech conference schooling companies on data and consent, or over on the Mystery Vibe blog getting excited and nerdy about the latest developments in pleasure. Or you can go and listen to the podcast she hosts with Nichi Hodgson – the Curious Nature of Sex – where they interview a bunch of badass people (myself included) about all things sex, and they also have an audio porn section at the end. Right up my street.

Some sex dolls

Huge apologies to whichever company had this stand, I was an arse and forgot to include your name in the tweet (get in touch if you’d like me to add your name/link). I love meeting sex dolls and robots: at Venus Berlin last year I got to shake hands with a sex doll that had her own central heating system! These ladies I found fascinating mostly because of the detail: look at the irises on those! They are so super-realistic and kind of make me want to fall into them. With effort like that put into the eyes, it’s a shame they ended up leaving wardrobe choices to the bins behind the back of Whitechapel Market.

Billion Secrets

Perfumes that look like vibrators: what a time to be alive. Honestly, I am so keen to encourage people to be more open about wanking and sex toy use that I would buy ANY product that disguised itself as a vibrator. Wooden spoons that look like dildos? Yes. Cucumbers bred with a prominent penile raphe and large mushroom-type head? Double-yes. A power drill disguised as a wanking wand? Shut up and take my money.

For now, though: perfume. Have at it.

Satisfyer Penguin

When I arrived at Erofame I was handed a bag with some marketing thingies in it and a couple of sex toys. Naturally the first thing that drew my eye was this clit-sucking penguin in a bow-tie.

Because who can honestly say that they haven’t spent at least some portion of their life wishing fervently that someone would invent a clit-sucking penguin in a bow-tie?

On the first evening, I was too knackered to go and join all the sex industry people getting drunk (with massive apologies to SexToys who had kindly blagged me an invite – I am sorry I missed hanging out with you!), so I retired to my room and did what I suspect any of you lot would: I fucked the penguin.

I’ve tried clit-suction toys before and to be honest the penguin did exactly what the others did: it gave me an orgasm, but in a way that was so bizarre and frustrating I ended up in a state of inexplicable, incandescent rage. I don’t know why. I do know that for some people clit-suction will be a powerfully pleasurable thing, so do not be put off necessarily by my experience. But yeah. Having my clit sucked powerfully by a silicone representation of a sea bird technically does the trick, but leaves me feeling annoyed about it for reasons I can’t put my finger on. Because you have to hold the toy fairly still while you’re plugging away at the task, perhaps I get annoyed because I just like to be a little more active during a wank.

The good news, though, is that I can confirm the bow-tie is not just a marketing tactic: it is an actual feature of the toy. A tiny silicone bow-tie. That’s attention to detail I can really get behind.

Satisfyer Men

The same company that makes the clit-penguin is also just about to launch a dick-sucking toy. I went to their stand to see if I could hold one in my sticky hands and assess its potential as a pleasure/torture device, but I didn’t manage anything more than a picture of the boxes, and they didn’t seem to have any actual ones I could try. Which was a shame, because as I was discussing with  one of my sex writer colleagues from ETO Magazine, one of the most fun things about visiting a sex festival is being able to stick your fingers in all the dick toys.

Schroedinger’s suck job will have to wait for another day.

Picture of the box for Satisfyer Men, which I did not get to stick my fingers in.

Doxy

I should have put Doxy at the top because they are my favourites, but I show Doxy so much favouritism elsewhere I didn’t want to have you think this was yet another excuse to shoehorn in my pathetic fangirling. But needless to say, Doxy was there: launching their fucking exceptional Doxy Number 3, and also showing off some attachments for the Number 3 made by Nexus.

I should have taken a photo or a video because these things are cool: designed to screw onto the head of the powerful wand to allow for insertion or a different kind of stimulation. They mean that in the near future I may well be able to put Doxy power inside my cunt/arse as well as against my clit, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. They are also soft like actual silk, and like nothing I have ever felt before. They’re made of silicone, apparently, so either I just haven’t yet touched all the silicone available or Nexus have come up with a brand new magical recipe, like some kind of fuckwizard.

Godemiche

If you ever want to find Godemiche at an event, just look for the most brightly-coloured rainbow in the room and you will find them at the end of it – probably giggling about things and talking nerdily about different types of silicone or ideas for future things. Not only did I get to spend some time squeezing cocks of varying sizes, I also got to hold in my hot little hand the butt-plug that they designed at Eroticon last year with input from attendees.

In my hand, I said: I was incredibly professional.

Slube Goo

Slube goo is a fucking lovely, weird, tactile, brilliant thing. You get a package of what looks like bath salts, pop it in the bath, and then run yourself a lovely bath full of water. When the package reacts with the water it turns into this viscous, gloopy substance that smells of deliciousness (the stuff in this picture is gin flavoured, I think, and they have other flavours like red [strawberry] and blue [jasmine and bergamot] and black [leather]).

You might think to yourself ‘why the fuck would I want to get myself covered in gloopy stickiness?!’ to which I would reply ‘why the fuck not?’ Getting naked and sticky and sploshy is honestly one of the most fun things in the world: naked wriggling with someone is intensified if you can be slippery and slidey while you do it.

It is especially fun if you happen to be in a really tactile mood, if you know what I’m saying.

Sheets of San Francisco

This company had a stand next to Slube Goo, for a very good reason: if you like sploshing and stickiness and you enjoy revelling in delightfully tactile sensations, Sheets of San Francisco have you sorted. I have one of their bedsheets and – unlike some of the other plasticky, sticky, just-downright-unsexy ones I have used in the past – their sheets are soft and pleasant to touch. You can roll around on them and do really wet fucking without getting sweatily unpleasant, and afterwards you literally just chuck them in the washing machine and then you’re good to go.

Oh, and did I mention that they have a massive bed? They have a massive bed made out of scaffolding, because that is how they roll. If you ever see them at events, they will let you have a lie-down on it if you ask nicely, and you can try out the sexy sheets for yourself.

G Vibe

I’m not honestly sure what to make of the vibe on the left, but it is apparently incredibly popular in Europe. I would sort of like to try one, but on the condition that no one’s going to tell me off if I don’t like it. The toys on the right were more up my alley (or up my ARSE lol) because they were cleverly designed so that you can control one or both of them via an app – a vibrating clit ring that’s twinned with a butt-plug, both controlled simultaneously. Smart as fuck, and seeing as I could use one on me and the other on someone else, so we both receive identical vibrations – I think they’ve got plenty of kinkworthy potential.

Diogol

Sometimes all you want is a super-cute butt plug, and these caught my eye because they are sparkly and have a Swarovski crystal embedded in the base.

Basically I just love butt plugs. When I am older I will have a display cabinet full of them, the way some of my elderly relatives have display cabinets full of Silver Jubilee plates or what have you.

Diogol Anni butt plug with crystal in the base

Diogol Anni butt plug with crystal in the base

Rocks Off

These ones I’m just showing you because I love Rocks Off: they are so so pretty. They make toys that say ‘yes, you rub me on your genitals, but you will also probably want to wave me around in front of a crowd of people so they can see how great your taste is.’

They’re cheap, too, and I like that. Not all sex toys have to break the bank, but those which come cheap usually look like they’ve been found in the bins round the back of Argos. Rocks Off makes things which look pretty and feel good, and won’t leave you weeping until payday.

Estim Systems

I had a good long chat with these folks about e-stim generally, and the fact that E-STIM DOES NOT HAVE TO BE NICHE. Like, seriously. BDSM used to be seen as a ‘fringe’ sexy thing until recent books and films and sex toy shops pushed it into the general public consciousness. I would like to see similar things happening with electro play, because while it CAN be used to deliver sexy pain, it can also be used to create unique and amazing sensations that are pleasurable and fun. You can – quite literally – dial it up or down depending on your preference. And there are lots of accessible, entry-level electro sex toys that don’t have to break the bank or scare the shit out of any newbies.

But they also make MASSIVE butt-plugs. See? You can choose your level. I call this level ‘super-advanced-not-for-the-faint-hearted-holy-shit-we’re-gonna-need-a-bigger-butt.’

Vivian technology

Behold, the fuckchair of my wildest dreams!

The guy who I spoke to at this stand explained that the chair I was so enamoured of isn’t on the market yet: he is looking for funding. So I am including the company here alongside a plea.

*gets on knees*
*looks at rich people/companies with adoring eyes*
*clears throat*

Please please please make this happen. This is a fuckchair made of soft leather, with a dildo right in the center (it looks like crystal in this pic, but the real dildos are made of silicone). You sit on the chair, and the dildo fucks you. But here’s the thing: you control the speed of the dildo by squeezing the chair with your thighs. You literally ride the fucking thing like a pony, and the pony rides you back as hard as you like, based on your own input via thigh-squeezing. It also has a pad just in front of the dildo that vibrates really powerfully so you can grind against it.

I rarely say that I would kill to own something, but I would definitely kill to own this. Nothing human, of course – I’m not a monster – but I would definitely stretch to a small animal or bird if I really, really had to. A starling, perhaps, or a medium-sized mouse. Basically, please make it so I can have this chair. I would kill a hamster with a brick if it would help me get a fuckchair.

This is why I can’t have nice things.

Dibe sex toys

All I have to say to these lovely folks is ‘many thanks for letting me spend time watching your dick-milking machine, and then staring at this big hard cock machine until honestly everyone thought I was a little bit weird and at least two people coughed and started to usher me away from the stand.’

Smart kegel balls

The really kind lady at this stall spent a while talking me through this, and I have repaid her kindness appallingly by failing to get a link I can use to point you to her products. I am so so sorry, please get in touch if you’d like me to add a link!

However, she was showing me a couple of smart sex toys which connect via an app, and of specific interest were the kegel balls in this picture, because the app (like a few other kegel ball apps I’ve seen) has a game you can play by squeezing your cunt muscles. Why am I interested in this? Thank you for asking, the answer is ‘because I really want to engage in competitive cunt-squeezing, for no reason other than that it sounds like fun.’

Picture of smart sex toys with purple kegel balls and pink curvy thing that sits inside your vagina

Picture of smart sex toys with purple kegel balls and pink curvy thing that sits inside your vagina

I am not wholly sold on the idea that everyone should have the tightest cunt muscles they possibly can: although ‘tightness’ is a thing that’s often fetishised in porn, overworking your muscles so your cunt is excessively tight can actually potentially be quite bad for you and make certain types of sex painful. However, exercising your pelvic floor muscles can be a benefit if you struggle with things like urinary incontinence or if you want to be able to clench/unclench during sexy times for fun, so toys like this definitely have their place. Just, like everything, don’t overdo it.

Especially not if you’re competing against me because I’m a very very very bad loser.

HOT pheromone body lotion

Sad news, gang: the terrorists have won. I was given a bottle of this body lotion as a freebie, and realised as soon as I got it back to my hotel room that I wouldn’t be able to take it home with me because it was over the 100ml limit for taking onto a plane. Not for me the joy of smearing it all over myself and then rubbing myself eagerly against male friends, yelling ‘HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO FUCK ME?!’

However, I did manage to cover myself in it before I went to the Thursday night party, so I could ask the guys I was hanging out with whether they were in any way interested in my alluring scent. Conclusions spanned a very broad range from ‘not particularly’ to ‘no.’

On the up-side, I did massively oversleep and miss my chance to shower the next morning, so when I hopped off the plane and rushed home to try and have eager sex with my partner, I was delighted to realise that a little hint of the smell remained, thus allowing me to poll the one guy in the world who is contractually obliged to answer ‘yes.’

“Do I smell nice?” I asked him, leadingly.

“Yes,” he said. “Very nice.”

Success.

Picture of a pheromone body lotion bottle on a white background

Pheromone lotion that definitely works to make at least one man tell me I smell nice

 

Thank you Erofame people!

I am massively grateful to the lovely people who looked after me at Erofame and made me feel welcome even when I was kind of anxious and bad at networking. Special thanks to the lovely folks of ETO Magazine, who – as journalists – are almost guaranteed to be the best at drinking at any given event. And apologies to anyone I’ve missed off – if you met me at Erofame and I haven’t included you, please do email me and I will add you in! And double apologies to the amazing companies that I didn’t manage to visit, there were lots more people I wanted to chat to but who were so busy when I walked past I didn’t want to intrude in case you were in the middle of making a Big Sale Of Loads Of Sex Toys.

And extra special thank you to the person who paid for my flight who has asked to remain nameless – thanks for helping my broke ass across the channel to Erofame.

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