John Lewis have released their ad, Tesco is full of chocolate advent calendars, and Russell Brand is off to jail. It must be Christmas! Time to show you all the gorgeous – and subtly smutty – card that Stuart has drawn this year, and explain how you can get one.
As regular readers will know, each year Stuart F Taylor – who draws the beautiful illustrations for this blog – creates a brand new festive design that I send out to all the good boys and girls who support the audio porn project on Patreon.
This has become one of my favourite festive traditions, right up there with ‘singing along to carols at Kings with my Mum on Christmas Eve’ and ‘laughing at my siblings for getting epically drunk while they cook the Christmas dinner’. When the Christmas card email from Stuart hits my inbox I am more excited than I am for physical presents, because this is a unique little gift I get to send to you perverted lot.
I hope you will agree, this year (as per previous years) he has played an absolute blinder. Such subtlety! So many different body types/toys in the wreath! I love it so much. I’ve now ordered the cards to be printed and they’re winging their way to my PO Box as we speak, so here’s how to get a 2026 Christmas card if you’d like one…
How to get a 2026 Christmas card
Support the audio project on Patreon! That’s it. Everyone who’s a Patreon supporter on the 1st December will receive a message offering you a card, you just need to reply to that with your address and I’ll send one out to you.
Wherever you are in the world.
Even if you support at the lowest tiers.
Even if you only stay for a month.
Most people stay for longer than a month, because on Patreon you get
- early access to new audio porn
- access to behind-the-scenes interviews with a bunch of amazing writers (as well as Stuart himself!)
- ad-free listening
- the opportunity to vote on which posts I turn into audio next
- a bunch of bonus extra stories that I wrote off the back of Patreon prompts (they are both silly and sexy. Sometimes both)
- access to the ludicrously hot and deeply intense two-part anal hook story that for Various Reasons I have not yet been able to publish on the site. Go on, you know you fucking want to: part 1 at the end of this update. Part 2 here.
- and even interviews with some of the lovely people in my life who have featured on this blog (shoutout to my incredible pal Jess, my lovely ex-partner who invented the Bracelet Game, and my Mum and stepdad who participated in a sex quiz that I wrote to test their knowledge on the perversions we talk about here on the site).
That’s right – if you support me on Patreon, you can literally meet my Mum. She’s pretty awesome.
You also get the warm, fuzzy feeling of knowing that your money goes towards funding the audio porn project – it helps me pay the fabulous writers and readers who turn their filthy words into accessible audio, buys equipment and studio time, pays for accompanying art, and generally helps me keep this show on the road.
If you’re up for it, I would love if you could buy an annual sub – you get an automatic discount on the monthly rate, and at the lowest tier that means around £20/$20 for a year’s subscription. Annual subscriptions help me plan for the year, and they also mean you don’t have to wonder what that random bit of money is that goes out of your account each month.
I am very grateful for monthly subs too – anything you can chip in is very gratefully received, and I hope/think you get really decent value for money in return.
If you do either of these before November 12th, use code XMAS26 for a further 20% off.
Jingle jingle, motherfuckers.