On having sex in the bath

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

People get shitty about 50 Shades of Grey for many reasons, but in terms of sexual lies that make me cross, few people have pointed out the one that most annoyed me.

Towards the end of the book (and I don’t think this really counts as a spoiler), Christian and Anastasia have mind-blowingly wonderful sex in a bath.

There’s nothing wrong with mind-blowingly wonderful sex, It’s a bloody good thing. However, it’s a bloody good thing that is almost impossible to do in the water.

Having sex in a bath is a bit crap

There seems to be quite a common misconception that watery sex is one of the funnest fucks you can have – it’s wet, it’s slippery, you can be comfortably naked, etc. Men I’ve known seem to particularly enjoy the look and feel of a nice, wet pair of tits. Understandable.

However, just because my tits are wet that doesn’t mean we’re going to have good sex. Sex in water is rubbish – the water washes away all of those natural cunty juices that make penetration so fun. Lubes wash away, too. Essentially by having sex in the bath you’re removing one of the crucial things about fucking – the slicky wetness.

Women’s and men’s magazines alike carry hot stories of watery sex – couples coupling on beaches, in baths, in swimming-pools and showers. Exotic confessions written in breathy, sexy tones imply that this fucking is amazing – what could be hotter than having sex on a beach? I’ll tell you what’s hotter than sex on a beach: having sex in a fucking bed.

I think it’s the fact that its unusual – lots of people have a desire to fuck in places where they traditionally wouldn’t. The unusual nature of it makes it a bit sexier. That’s why the ‘hot sex confessions’ section of magazines is so often filled with stories like this:

“The best sex I ever had was during a romantic bath with my partner. I sat in front of him and he soaped my breasts, then I sat on him and, with gentle rocking motions and the water lapping at our hips, we both came together in a nice wet explosion.”

The problem with sex in the bath

I’ve fucked in showers and baths before. One of the key problems (because I am not a Christian Grey-style millionaire) is that baths are fucking small. I don’t care how tiny and delicate you are, in a bath with another person you’re always going to feel big. A big, awkward slippery pile of elbows.

Even if you do manage to manoeuvre yourself into a good position (say, crouched on top of him lowering yourself onto his dick as in the above example) then you have to deal with the splashing. Two people displace a hell of a lot of bathwater, and if you fuck at the speed that is usually required to achieve an orgasm, you splash buckets of water onto the floor, and soapy water into your eyes and mouth until both of you are crying out for a nice dry towel and the safety of a boring bed.

Even if you’re lucky enough to have a gigantic bath (and I’ve stayed in a couple of hotels which did) you still have to deal with the lack of cunt-juice and the fact that you cannot get any grip whatsoever on slippery surfaces. So call me boring, call me old-fashioned, call me unadventurous, but I just don’t want to fuck you in the bath – it will never be more than an incompetent, wet wriggle.

More realistically, the story above should read:

“The most frustrating and injurious sex I ever had was during a romantic bath with my partner. I squeezed into the tub in front of him, feeling six times my normal size and displacing enough water to drown a hippopotamus, and he soaped my breasts. Having done that, we were a bit stuck for ideas, as both of us were wedged into a receptacle designed for – at best – just one average-sized adult. I wriggled round, displacing more water and accidentally elbowing him in the solar-plexus, then eventually managed to get into a crouching position over his dick. I slipped on the side, bending his cock at an uncomfortable angle and he cried out in pain. Taking control, he had a go at thumbing it into me, and I took a deep breath as it rasped against the dry walls of my cunt. I rocked back and forth for a bit, annoyed that I couldn’t get a grip on the slippery bath floor so I could actually fuck him properly. Instead of coming together in a soapy-wet explosion, we puffed away at it for a few minutes until he got shampoo in his eyes and asked me if we could call it a day. I was only too pleased to say ‘yes.'”

Baths: shave your legs in one, wash your hair in one, have a wank in one if you fancy it, but for crying out loud don’t ever try to fuck me in one.


  • Jim says:

    I had sex in a bath once in my life. I almost damaged myself with a tap to spine, and she slipped, bursting her lip on the edge of the bath, and my nose with her flailing elbow. Not to mention the moment of I’m-sure-my-cock-shouldn’t-bend-like-that-ahhhhhh pain/panic as she fell.

    Yeah, that was dead erotic.

    Sex in water did give us the hilarious “fucking in a swimming pool” scene in Showgirls, so there’s that. A scene which should also demonstrate how impractical it is to fuck in a swimming pool, if you can stop killing yourself laughing for long enough to think.

  • Edward says:

    Hi GirlOnTheNet

    I have been following your blog for a few months now and just wanted to say how much I am enjoying it. It is great to read stuff about real sex, not the stupidly idealist stuff that most writing about sex is.
    This is a perfect example, I have never tried sex in a bath, never really had the inclination to try, and now I know not to wast my time trying. Although I do think sharing a bath can be a great prelude to sex.
    Thanks, looking forward to your next post

  • sotengelen says:

    I don’t know what got into us but me and my partner actually got out of the bath to have sex. Works well to bend over. Then shared a shower afterwards. Did the trick!

    Although I don’t agree about showers. I LIKE having sex in showers, but finishing usually has to be done somewhere else.

    This entry gave be a good laught!

  • Fenn says:


    In a shower, however. That’s a different story…

  • Derek Pope says:

    I agree whole-heartedly!!!

    It’s just another fantasy fuelled – erm fantasy!!

    I have tried it a few times and as you say the water splashes everywhere, all the cunt-juice disappears and with the limitations of access of the bath’s confinement angles of opportunity are almost non existent, usually we end up doing it on the bathroom floor.

    For me, also, is the problem that I love eating ladies out and in water it is impossible, heck even in the shower it can be a drown hazard!! TBH even shower sex can be awkward unless the friggin thing is switched off!!

    The size of the water receptacle is not relevant really either, I have attempted it in the sea and my lady’s cunt just had no lube or it tenses right up we thought it could be the water being cooler – really disappointing we expected more, we were bronzed and a horny as fuck !!!

    I thought I were doing it wrong until one day an opportunity came to me to do it in a huge bath. The lady concerned was someone I wanted for ages and it was one of those unplanned ‘moment’ of madness things, she had this huge granite and marble bath, as it filled, we got hornier and thought I would blow a load that would take her out from her cunt to her tonsils, we got in, the temperature was perfect and the fucking was – IMPOSSIBLE !!

    Believe me, if feeling as horny as we did in a warm bath, we couldn’t ‘do it’ no one can, unless the guy is a beast and the girl likes it rough enough for injury.

    I don’t get the attraction of water sex, the soap gets everywhere stings the eyes, tastes awful. The best I can see is just shower off, maybe massage a bit and be clean for an all night session!!

    I think a lot of stuff seems more fun than it really is.

    I can remember reading about a pop star eating a Mars chocolate bar from a lady, and so one day we gave it a go. Kind of horny seeing that thing go in there and watching her face, as you eat it. Then it gets to body temperature and puts a mess of melted chocolate and cunt-juice all over where she is laying and it is virtually impossible to eat it all up before it drips out – it is then that you are glad you didn’t pick a large Mars bar !!!

    That said, food sex is fun!!!

  • Anon says:

    Was going to say something about how dead-on your post was, and “about time somebody said the truth” yatta yatta, then got distracted by that nice…pair… of wet …tits… miam miam!

  • whitecollargirl says:

    I would agree that PIV or even fingering in the bath is a terrible idea. On the other hand I have had mind-blowing kink in the bath, thus:

    I have been entertaining myself with the detachable showerhead while the boyfriend plays games. I have just had the usual soggy, ‘flump flump flump’ release of not-quite-sexual tension which is the showerhead orgasm, a massage by any other name. The door, which I have shut to protect the delicate ears of those on the online group chat from my nonetheless extensive moans, swings open. The Man is in the doorway. He does not have any clothes on.
    “Having fun?” he asks. I smile coyly. He does not ask whether he can get in. I am forced to one end of the bath as he slides his body into the water and puts more hot water in than I like. He sighs with pleasure and his nice straight semi bobs gently on the surface temptingly.
    “Come here.”
    I swivel, awkwardly, and after a small flurry of elbows and knees we are lying alongside each other, my head on the soft pillow of flesh beside his armpit, his hands massaging my soapy breasts.
    “Plip, plip” he says, and plays with my nipples. I cannot help but shiver gently and notice that they twitch erect. His play becomes more pinching. I wriggle more, and sink further down over his chest and into the water.
    The stage is set now. The last things above the water are his delightful chest, the bobbing head of his now purple cock, each of my nipples and my moaning face. He strokes my face, and bends over my vulnerable bits. The tongue comes out, and I moan. The wet/wet of his tongue on my tits in the water is delicious. He sees my pleasure, and is inspired. He pushes me further into the water, and smooths his hand over my face, closing my eyes. I know of old to keep them shut. With my ears underwater, there is nothing but the sensation of his soft tongue, the gurgle of the greedy pipes, the dark, and the caress of the hot water.
    I can feel his hands over my cheeks now. He caresses my face. He pinches my nose. He is pinching my nose. I can only breathe through my moans. He is licking my lips. I strain forwards to meet his kiss, and it does not come. He pushes down, and my ears, my eyebrows, my eyelids are underwater. There is no way back now. I must live in the dark, the soft wet dark as long as he chooses. He is still picking at my nipples with hard, angry fingers. I can feel the wet of my cunt under the water; he reaches for it and I squirm, knowing that the wet will flee the bathwater. The wait is everything. The hand comes back to the nipples, the tongue flicks my mouth, and closes over it.
    I cannot breathe. He is breathing in and out of my mouth and I suck him in, the breaths he is gifting me, desperate and gasping as he twists my nipple and lowers my nose and his pinched fingers into the water. Bubbles tickle my face. In a moment of panic I squeak and in half a second I am free, eyes open, comforted, held. It does not last; calmed, he lays me gently down, takes hold of my life once more, and puts me back into the little watery coffin of pleasure under the bathwater, confined by the porcelain, his hot long body next to mine, and my need for the breath of him.

  • anon says:

    Whilst a bath might not be great for sex, can highly recommend a hot tub :)

  • Yingtai says:

    I think I noticed my head shaking some time after my eyes started popping. I love it.

    And I really do not want to tell you how I know this, but soap does not make good lubricant. OUCH.

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