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On what is not wrong with you, part 5: your hair

I haven’t done a ‘what is not wrong with you‘ post for a while, but this particular gripe has been brewing for a couple of weeks, so I thought it high time that I spat it out.

Men: I don’t give a shit about your hair. There, I said it.

There’s a creeping trend for men to start caring about their hair, and I don’t like it. Yes, it’s nice to look nice and if having a special haircut gives you a boner when you look in the mirror then by all means drop fifty quid at a posh salon. But if you’re just doing it to impress the ladies, my general advice would be not to bother.

Not because all women don’t care (some do) but because I figure that the time, effort and worry invested in something as inconsequential as the collection of keratin strands you collect on top of your head could be much better spent in other ways.

You could learn to play the piano, take up a sport, read books and newspapers – anything. And even girls who like a guy with neatly-trimmed locks will probably admit that they’d rather he were talented, funny, or interesting.

And don’t get me started on the amount of money men are now expected to fork out on hair products – gels and mousses and special shampoo – that could far better be spent on a tube fare to my house to come and fuck me like it’s Friday.

Is it OK to be bald?

I have only ever met two types of women: those who find bald guys incredibly sexy, and those who don’t give a flying fuck.

I happen to fall into the former category – bald guys are sexy as hell. There’s obviously the tactile thing, for a start – touching someone’s head is deeply sensual. Although running your fingers through someone’s curling locks can be nice, nothing quite rivals the feeling of stroking your fingers nice and hard over someone’s scalp, letting them trail down to the back of their neck as they close their eyes to revel in the comfort and lust.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Hair.

Is it OK to be ginger?

I have tried to contain my rage on this point for a long time, but the truth must out: not only is there ‘nothing wrong’ with being ginger, there is something despicably fucked-up about jokingly pretending that people with ginger hair are somehow freakish monsters.

I’ve been told there’s a historical reason for this – something to do with the English hating the Scots (oh, xenophobia, with what comedy genius will you tickle our ribs next?). But I don’t care – I don’t give a shit what pathetic reasons there might be for this half-hearted jocular bullying.

Recent conversation that I actually had with a real, human person:

Me: I would pay serious money to suck that man off.

Him: Really? But he’s so ginger.

It’s a joke – I know it’s a joke. But it’s a fucking awful one.

I knew a girl at college with the most stunning red hair – bright red, curly, down to her waist. She had pale, pale skin with soft hands, a tiny waist and nice small perky tits that you could imagine cupping in your hands while you fucked her. I digress.

The point is that she was ginger, and as so was subject to the most ridiculous jokes – boys would pretend they couldn’t ask her out because, despite her heart-melting beauty, she was ginger. In fact that reason they couldn’t ask her out was that she was searingly intelligent as well as being beautiful. But ginger is a nice default nonsensical insult for imbeciles to use when they have no genuine criticism.

In conclusion

Fuck your fucking hair. Fuck whatever sits atop your head. It’s nice to stroke or play with sometimes but if I’m assessing whether I might like you to stick your cock into me, whatever you happen to be sporting – a crop of strawberry blond curls, an Elvis quiff, a floppy One-Direction-style chop, a shining bald pate or a hat that makes you look like an arsehole – none of these things will make a significant difference.

It’s not what’s on your head that counts, but what’s in it.


  • THE EYE says:

    Good post… Thank you, im cured! No more hassling over my hair!! Saving for the tube fare now…. ; )

  • Paul says:

    I never understood the whole anti-ginger thing. Redhair is bloody sexy and I think they may well be my fetish.

    • Ash says:

      Not a huge fan of red hair on guys, but on girls…*drooling*. One time I was playing a show in this dump of a town in northern Queensland and there was this super hot redhead babe in the front watching us and getting into it. I wanted her so bad I think I took myself to a new level – but she still hooked up with our lead guitarist.

  • @BookCunt says:

    Ginger men are my favourites.

  • benji says:

    I agree with your points, especially your closing comment, but i’m still dreading the inevitable future of male pattern baldness. I like having hair. I don’t spend ages preening myself. I don’t own a pair of straighteners or an expensive range of styling products. I don’t even pay for it cutting – i’ve been cutting it myself since i was fourteen (i blame a childhood of punk rock) and yeah, sometimes it looks shit but sometimes it looks good. It’s those times that i feel i look good that gives me confidence and i’d like to think that self confidence is what people are attracted to.

    But most of all, i love it when a girl grabs the back of my hair and kisses me, and touches me and fucks me. This is what i’ll miss most when it’s finally gone.

  • obscureusername says:

    Pretty much agree with the hair thing. I’m not really that fussed about my own hair so there’s no way I’m going to be about anyone else’s.
    I will admit to liking it long enough that you can grab hold, pull their head back and bite their neck though :)

    As for the ginger thing… I find them sexy as fuck. A lot of celebrities I lust over are redheads (David Caruso is the ultimate exception to this and needs to die in a fire). The current boy is ginger as well – and given he’s Scottish and I’m English that particular theory’s a load of bollocks in our case!

  • Jim says:

    As a Ginger bloke (and a Scottish one at that) I’d just like to say I love you all.

  • TJ says:

    Mostly agree – I find over-styling weird for people of any gender, but on the other hand, some chaps think that their hair being short means that they can pretend it’s not there. Shampoo and occaisional conditioning is all I ask – the same as what I do for my hair.

    And when it comes to the conditioning part, half a dollop of supermarket-own-brand 86p conditioner once a week is generally sufficient for short hair. I’m not asking for anything fancy.

  • Ash says:

    I feel better about the various hairstyling abortions I’ve had over the years now – albeit mostly for my musical endavours rather than merely to pick up women.

    All except my teenage Motley Crue-wannabe phase. I refuse to acknowledge any photos where I’ve used Aquanet in my hair.

  • sarah says:

    Hahaha, love this! Apparently I’m attracted to folicly-challenged men. My ex went bald at 17 and my current boyfriend is very ginger! I don’t care about hair (except my own), but they both used to have issues with it. Think it’s understandable to be upset about going bald so young but gingers need to embrace the red (my boyfriend once threatened a 13-year-old with putting him in a bin because he shouted ‘ginge’ at him!) Wish I had red hair – ginger girls are beautiful!

  • Crashmatt says:

    Whilst it’s minor in comparison to what some people are subjected to, the insidious abuse and insults directed towards gingers is horrible.
    I’m balding and ginger, these are only two of the things I hate about myself, and I hate them, because I’ve been taught that they are bad things. Never mind that I’m intelligent, witty, caring etc etc; what’s important is what’s visible, and what’s visible is crappy to many.

    • Andy Realname says:

      Don’t hate things about yourself mate, and bollocks to people who judge you on your looks! You don’t need people like that in your life! Respect yourself, brother, and love yourself.

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