Two things: sex chat and satanic wanking

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

You know that wanking can make you go blind, but did you also know that it opens a hell-portal in your bedroom so that tiny demons can slip into bed beside you and poke you with burning forks? Well, read on for the shocking news, as well as a fab blog post about sex chat with your doctor (not that kind of sex chat – that’s £3 per minute). Here are two things I thought you’d like to see this week…

The good: talking to your doctor about sex

I recently got put on some new medication. I asked the doctor about side effects, and he neglected to mention the possibility that the medicine would affect my orgasms. Consequently, I’ve spent the last three weeks having futile, desperate wanks while screaming ‘WHY AM I BROKEN’ at the ceiling.

So when TheOtherLivvy posted this week about doctor/patient communication – particularly around kinky sex – it got me thinking. In my case, I don’t think my doctor was at fault, but I’ve recognised that as a patient I need to try and be more proactive about mentioning relevant sex things to my GP. But TheOtherLivvy is a doctor, so she has some great insight into what it’s like from her point of view.

“Doctors don’t often ask about sex and so patients notice when we do. They don’t see it as a routine question, it must mean something. I know this because I’ve been questioned on it! Asking my patients about their bladder and bowel habits, for example, is seen as OK and part of my routine patter, but I have twice been asked why I needed to know when I mentioned sexual partners. I could easily justify it – I don’t ask unless I had a specific concern after all – but it serves as a reminder that this type of question is still seen as intrusive. Too personal.”

Read the full piece: Asking all the questions

The bad: wanking opens up portals to hell

Well, according to Christian author Mack Major, wanking is a ‘direct path to satan.’

““Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals,” he wrote. “It’s one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods.””

Shit. I rarely engage in deliberate worship, unless praying for a double cheeseburger at 3 am counts. But, by masturbating, am I accidentally worshipping the devil? Maybe. He goes on to say:

“As long as you have sex toys in your home, you have a doorway that can allow demons to not only access your life at will, but also to torment you, hinder and destroy certain parts of your life as it relates to sex and your relationships.”

Damn – that’ll explain those screaming noises and the clawmarks on my headboard. I’d assumed I was just really really good in bed.

I’m joking, obviously, please don’t write in and get angry like loads of people did when I thought Leo DiCaprio was a bit of a nob. Masturbation is fine. It’s fun. Don’t sweat it.

BONUS thing: my book’s in actual shops holy shit

I spotted my book in WH Smith last week, and nearly wet my knickers with delight. It’s also in the WH Smith at Victoria Station, on a ‘buy one get one half price’ deal. So if you want to pick it up and grab something else at the same time, please do. My offer still stands, that if I see you reading it on the tube I’ll say hi and give you a GOTN badge.

If you’ve read the book already, I’d massively appreciate a review on Amazon or Goodreads if you have time.


  • Mack might have a point though. I always avoid bridges because of the very real risk of trolls.

  • Simon says:

    Your book is also at Airport book shops – I saw it (and bought a copy – very good!) in the first week of April at Gatwick Airport. Did a double take when I saw “girl on the net” on the cover.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh amazing! Thanks for buying it and also letting me know! Now I want to fly somewhere so I have an excuse to visit my baby at the airport. I know this makes me a loser =)

  • Sudonim007 says:

    No, it makes you a proud author. And rightly so. Congratulations.

  • Edward Lud says:

    If the author of the sex-toys-lead-to-Satan had been a muzzie, would you have drawn attention to it?

    Straw poll, that’s all. Have been interested by your work and, if I may say so, you seem like a decent sort.

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