“SHORTS,” my brain screams, irritatingly. “LOOK. MEN WEARING SEXY SHORTS.” Try as I might to shut it up, it refuses to be silenced on the most important issue of the day. “LOOK,” it insists, even as I try to distract myself by remembering my times tables, “THERE ARE SEXY LEGS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SHORTS. LOOK AT THE SEXY SHORTS.” So I comply. I drink it in. And I melt with lust.
If you asked me to list the top ten sexiest human features, I’d probably forget to include ‘legs.’ Not because legs aren’t sexy, but because I’m rarely reminded of just how beautiful they are. Most of the year, the kind of people I tend to fancy – men, by and large – hide their legs behind jeans. Occasionally someone will turn out in spray-on skinny jeans and a well-chosen trainer, and it’ll take me a while to work out why I’ve got tingles in my knickers. The answer is: legs.
Plenty of women have lovely legs too, of course, it’s just that I tend to notice more when men get their legs out. And now, thanks to a short burst of weather so hot it makes me want to fuck a Cornetto, lots of men have been dusting off their sexy shorts and getting their legs out for perverts like me.
And it’s delightful.
I’m talking all shorts here: from calf-length shorts that give a hint of ankle and make me feel like a Victorian leering over a glimpse of skin, to booty shorts that are sprayed tight over the bum, hugging every curve and practically begging for a smack. Or the loose shorts that my other half wears around the house, which he wears without pants underneath, so I can run my hand up his thigh and grab a sweaty handful of his junk whenever he’s sitting down.
Yet some people still insist that men should not wear shorts. They can be split into two broad categories: sexist twats and killjoy twats. Let’s take the sexist twats first.
Sexist twats who hate shorts
There have been a few stories this week about men who have been told that shorts aren’t ‘appropriate’ in a work or school context. This despite the fact that women are usually A-OK to wear skirts, and in hot weather it seems a bit unfair for people of one gender to be allowed to do a thing, while people of another gender are not.
In response, some guys have been donning skirts in an effort to highlight how sexist this is. Like these fellas in Nantes who donned skirts in response to their bosses, who told them shorts weren’t appropriate attire for driving buses.
Top work. However, I can’t help but think that although this goes a teeny bit of the way to crushing sexism, it doesn’t go far enough. Why is the idea of a man wearing a skirt considered so ridiculous that it will lead to people changing a policy? Why should the options be skirts for the ladies and shorts for the lads? If jobs are to have uniforms, why can’t they just have a list of prescribed clothing which includes summer clothes (skirts, shorts) and winter clothes (long skirts, trousers, cloaks that allow you to swish out of a room like a supervillain) and then let anyone of any gender wear whatever they happen to prefer?
That aside, credit to these men for making a point against sexist twats, and may they live long and happy lives in whatever clothing best helps them keep their legs cool.
Let’s move on to the other group of people:
Killjoy twats who hate shorts
You have surely seen these people somewhere on your social media journey. They are the ones who, on the first day of summer, lament how appalling men’s legs are and urge them to cover up. Because, you see, they just think shorts look weird on blokes.
The shorts themselves are infantilising, or ugly, or weirdly-shaped. The legs revealed by the shorts are hairy, or ugly, or weirdly-shaped. So the people who believe this have decided that their lives are best spent acting like Mary Whitehouse at a Chippendale convention, and desperately begging men to cover up for the sake of decency.
Listen, twats: sometimes people are going to wear clothes you don’t like. Sometimes, things which are hot and beautiful to one person will be outright annoying to you. It’s a fact of life. And just because it’s usually women who are told what to wear, doesn’t mean that anyone should get a free pass for gender-flipping this shit. Policing someone’s appearance is just as irritating if you do it to men in shorts, Essex girls, tall women, bald men, bearded men… I could go on.
Men, women, everyone: pick up your sexy shorts!
They aren’t just practical in the boiling summer heat, shorts show off a part of your body you don’t usually get to flaunt. If you like getting your legs out, and you enjoy a cool breeze on your calf, don’t let killjoy twats ruin your day.
Shorts are one of those items of clothing that can be so varied as to mean almost everyone has a short that works for them: in terms of style, comfort, and inducement of that kind of hip-swaying swagger you get when you’re wearing something that makes you feel excellent. And although there are some people who’d prefer not to wear them, there are surely far more who’d be quite keen to get their legs out if it weren’t for sexists or killjoys tutting about what is an isn’t appropriate for any given human.
As long as you’re not planning to walk into a religious place where skin-exposure is considered impolite, wade knee-deep in a river of leeches, or expose a calf tattoo that says “FUCK CUNTY BOLLOCKING SHIT BALLS” I’m struggling to think of a reason why shorts would be ‘inappropriate.’
Summer’s here. Legs are sexy.
Shorts are for everyone.