Maybe the feeling I need to tap into, if my partner and I are going to explore sexual adventures with other people, isn’t a sense of peaceful acceptance of the thought of him fucking someone else: it’s the kinkiness of it. Sometimes I want to show him off, and maybe this is the key to dampening my jealousy…
Recently I’ve been trying to get my head (and my heart, and my cunt) around the idea of compersion. I want to feel happiness at the idea of my partner fucking other people. By talking to friends about their open or poly relationships, by reading lots of other writers on the topic of non-monogamy, by writing erotic fiction about my partner getting fucked by someone else, and various other mental exercises.
It’s a process, and I’m not at the end of it yet. Certainly not at the point when I can happily declare ‘go forth and fuck! I will be totally cool about it and definitely not turn into a weeping wreck!’
But along the way, I’m finding interesting snippets of emotion that I’d missed during previous encounters. Emotions I’d either brushed aside as insignificant or refused to acknowledge because they scared me.
Top of the list right now is this one: I want to show him off.
Within the maelstrom of jealousy that hits me when I picture him with another woman, recently this new feeling has started bubbling to the surface. And, as per the advice of some of my non-monogamous friends, I want to sit with it a while and see where it leads.
I want to show him off.
It’s an extension of the way I want to show him off in everyday life. I want him to come to the pub with me, not just so my friends can see what I see in him, but so they can enjoy his company for themselves. Laugh at his jokes, get a big hug from him if they want one when they’re down, or have him offer comfort when they’re feeling insecure. I don’t want to show him off so everyone can be jealous of me for scoring such a lovely partner, I want them to actively benefit from the things he does, because I love them and I want them to enjoy some of the awesome things he has to offer.
On to the fucking, then. I think I want to show him off.
And I tread so carefully here, because I feel like I’m walking across a bridge that could start to crumble at any minute, but I think I want to show him off naked. I want others to be able to feel and taste him. To run their hands over his body and delight in how much he loves to be touched.
I want someone else to have his dick in her mouth, and hear that first trembling noise of appreciation when she takes it to the back of her throat. I want her to feel his thighs start to shake as he gets to the brink of orgasm. I’d like someone else to discover how fun it is to pinch his nipples at just the right time. Someone else to smell the way he smells after a shower and ten minutes of hard fucking.
I want to show him off.
And this feeling – this pride – is a new emotion to explore. In the past my forays into compersion have relied heavily on being the gatekeeper to his pleasure. I’m not showing him off, I’m showing myself. Performing the role of someone who is good at compartmentalising my feelings. Someone who doesn’t experience jealousy.
In the past, when we’ve shared each other, my primary driver has been to prove to him that I can do this, and that it will work. The pressure, and the performance, is all about me.
This, though? This is different. It relies not on me but on the two other people: him, performing for her, and her enjoying whatever it is he has to give.
It feels incredibly fragile, because it’s not under my control. But it also feels hot, for the same reason.
The idea of catching someone else’s eye while she fucks him, and grinning at her with a genuine sense of happiness and pride: I can see that now. The idea of him fucking someone else as vigorously and brutally as he sometimes fucks me, fulfilling the fantasies of a woman who hasn’t ever been fucked like that but has always been desperate to try. The thought that while he’s performing for her, he’s also hoping that I’ll like what he’s doing.
Because I’m showing him off, after all. I’m proud of him.
And he wants to prove to me that he’s earned it.