A random selection of ridiculous reasons why boys aren’t allowed to break up with me. FYI.

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Have you ever met someone for whom you’d do almost anything? This is a story about a guy like that, and a thing he asked me to do. As with so many unusual and horny things from my past, I’d completely forgotten about this incident until I was reminded of it by a tweet. It’s about piss, and love, and that foolishness you catch when you’re irrationally hot for someone.

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A confession: when you’re out, sometimes I lie on your bed and bury my face in your bedsheets. Huffing the lingering scent of summer sweat like it’s perfumed roses or myrrh or forty-quid wine. I am creepy, so of course I sniff your bedsheets. And that’s not all I do.

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Some kinks my partner and I do because they come naturally to us – all we need is to hear about them, see them in porn, or get flashes of them in our minds when we’re wanking ourselves to sleep at night, and our guts lurch with a desire that screams “Yes! This one’s for us!” But there are others that take time to consider, or to practise, or to fully understand. To shamelessly paraphrase Kennedy: some kinks we choose to do not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

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My favourite time to fuck is after I’ve emerged from the bath. I step out, dry off, cover my body in lotion or talc, and lie on the bed listening to the tail end of whichever podcast I put on to keep me company while I washed. When it’s nearly finished, I sext…

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