We’ve been on a total of two dates, and had exactly the same number of fucks, so I don’t really know this guy at all. I know him exactly as well as I know anyone who’s willing to share a bottle of wine and a swift fuck with me, but still: he’s promising. What is it that makes someone promising? How do you turn a first date into a second, and then a third?
Note: there’s a time delay on a lot of blog posts at the moment, so although we’re in lockdown now, this date happened when it was legal. I am naughty but not that kind of naughty.
When my Mum asks me about him, with the eager tone of someone desperate to distract me from the blind panic that is the rest of my life, I tell her ‘yeah, he’s promising.’
When a friend asks me how date two went, the morning after I’ve come home from a rendezvous at his flat, I tell her the same: he’s promising.
I text my sister: I don’t know him well yet, but he’s promising.
What makes a date ‘promising’?
When people on dating sites ask me what I’m looking for, the answer is vague blather and a shoulder-shrug. I can more easily define what I’m not looking for than what I am. Sadly, no casual sex: Covid has put paid to the kind of fuck-and-run that I enjoyed with men who were as casual as I was in the Before Times. I definitely don’t want ‘a boyfriend’: I’m still not over the last one, and besides I’ve got other shit to do. I have a lot of friends I want to spend time with, and myriad plans to make – I don’t have time for romance or monogamy. Someone I talk to raises the term ‘solo-poly’, but if pressed I prefer to say ‘fuck-buddies.’ Where the ‘buddy’ part is as important as the ‘fuck.’
I’d like to find a fuck-buddy (or two), to hang out with during Covid-ravaged winter. People who are risk-averse but horny. Careful about contacts, free and easy with their conversation and lust. People who enjoy a drink and a chat as much as they enjoy the banging which comes (ideally) before. Friends who will fuck me, and fucks who make good friends. But I’ve done a lot of video dates with men I’ve had to turn down, so I’m clearly at least a bit fussier than I originally thought I was when I started swiping.
What is it? What am I after? What exactly makes a date ‘promising’?
Turning a first date into a second
What I want in someone often depends on the exact ‘someone’ we’re talking about. For some people, dominance sits awkwardly, and I’d no more expect them to spank me than I’d urge them to sprout wings and fly. For others, I know before meeting that they’ll definitely not meet the ‘nerd’ credentials I usually look for, but something else about them will have caught my eye – good jokes, or nice tattoos, or a penchant for enthusiastic dancing. So what I want in a guy will always depend on the guy, and I don’t often know what those things are until I see them. Turning a first date into a second depends on the person, and which of my buttons they press. But regardless of the detail, I think comfort is important: am I comfortable with this person? Could I see them as a friend?
This guy cooks, for a start, which surprises me. He makes me dinner – something delicious, with spinach and flavour and skill. We eat it with wine and talk politics.
He’s slightly left of me in terms of politics, which delights me. He can tell me things I don’t know but our discussions start from similar principles. He has very strong views on the strong views of JK Rowling, and is not afraid to have a sweary rant about them.
He’s nerdy and shy, which I like – a lot. On our first date all his laughs were nervous ones, and perhaps that’s the reason I shagged him that first time: sometimes you have to fuck the nerves out of someone before you can work out who they really are. By date two the nervous laugh is fading, replaced by genuine smiles and conversation that flows more easily.
Oh, and he fucks well, there’s that.
The fucking is important
Our first shag is exactly what you’d expect: clumsy and eager and quick and saliva-drenched. Why is it that it takes at least two dates to learn to kiss someone? It’s like you’re both calibrated for different mouths, and you have to take some time to readjust your jaw and lips. But he makes good noises, and his dick feels good, and that’s all I need from first time sex. That alone would be enough to turn a first date into a second.
On our second date, our next fuck is longer, and harder, and he makes delicious sexy moaning noises. When I squeeze my cunt good and tight around him, he comes, and the sounds he makes give me full-body waves of joy.
He’s good at communication, and I know this even before we get naked. During our first dating-site chats, when I asked him about a book and told him I have Opinions, he gently warned me that the book is precious to him – signalling that I shouldn’t say anything too bad, in case I trash his fave. I wasn’t intending to, but I appreciated the heads-up, and noted that the very act of saying ‘please be kind’ is in itself a promising thing. He’s willing to say what he likes, and needs, and let me know where his boundaries are.
When we fuck, I know that he’ll tell me: this is what I like, here’s what I don’t. It gives me the confidence to ask for the things I want, like ‘can I suck your dick?’ and ‘how about we move to the bedroom?’
After we’ve fucked, he engages in post-match analysis: complimenting me on ‘that thing you do with your legs.’ I genuinely thought that’s what most people did, but he shows me which way is more common to him, and I store away this intriguing info for later.
He drops hints about kink, and I eagerly ‘yes, and’ them, ask if he’s dom, sub or switch and he knows what I mean. We lie in bed together and chat for a while, the nervous laugh has long since disappeared.
When we’re ready to dress we go back to the lounge. Polish off the wine, talk more politics, flirt gently and tell each other we had a good time. At one point, he gently admonishes me on an issue of consent and I’m thrilled. He is gentle and nerdy and kinky and lefty and willing to challenge me.
So that’s what I mean when I tell you he’s promising: he reminds me very much of my friends. Our first date turned into a second, and I didn’t need to wonder whether we’d schedule a third.