A while ago I asked people for their sexy Christmas wishes. What sexual favours did they want for Christmas? Things they wouldn’t normally get but would normally get wet for. Only one person replied, which I can only assume means you’re either all prudes or you’re all already so sexually satisfied that nothing short of a jizzbomb to the face would satisfy your devious ends.

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Knickers are well boring, right? You just want to get them off a girl quickly so you can have your wickedly exciting way with her, yeah?

No. Of course not.

Knickers are a functional piece of clothing, and they can also be devastatingly pretty. But more importantly, like most things that aren’t sex toys, you can essentially turn them into a sex toy just by doing filthy things with them. Here are my favourite ways to use knickers during sex…

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“I love fucking you by that corner in your room. It means I can brace both my hands against the wall and really go for it.”

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“She fancies you.”
“No she doesn’t.”
“She does.”
“She definitely doesn’t.”
“You should fuck her.”
“But I’m not even bi.”
“But you fancy her.”
“…”
“Fuck her.”

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If you’re reading this hoping for some lurid and detailed description of a time when I writhed naked with a dude on a hotel bathroom floor, having sex that culminated in me squatting over his face and urinating directly into his mouth, you’ll be sorely disappointed: I want to talk about boys pissing on girls. And why I love it when guys piss on me.

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