There are any number of sex writers who’ll tell you how to achieve the ultimate, mind-blowing, amazing orgasm. Unfortunately, the way your body works may not be the same as the way mine works, so I can’t promise you stars and explosions and earth moving unless you happen to be formed in exactly the same way I am.
What I can do though is tell you that the other day I had the Best Orgasm I Have Ever Had, along with some lurid and sticky detail.
“I think the barista fancies me,” he explained as we wandered towards the coffee shop. “She’s quite flirty, you know?”
Yeah. I know. I know a million guys who are convinced that the barista in their regular coffee shop fancies them. They pop in of a morning, freshly showered and ready for work, and order their usual from someone who knows how to make it. That loving ritual of giving and receiving hot drink adds an extra tinge of flirtiness to an otherwise mundane transaction. A simple ‘how are you?’ can be transformed into a declaration of playful lust.
“No, she doesn’t fancy you,” I told him, twattishly. “Everyone thinks the barista is flirting with them – they teach them how to do it in barista school.”
“Yeah,” a twitch of something that looks like relief on his face. “You’re probably right.”
Sorry ladies, the news is in. A study of 80 dudes somewhere in America, as reported by world class science journal The Metro, concluded that men don’t want you to have a sense of humour. Well, they do want you to have a sense of humour, but one which means you laugh at all their jokes rather than coming up with your own.
It’s a shame, because for so many years we straight girls have been desperately trying to earn the right to write ‘GSOH’ on our dating profiles. Guys might complain that we’re taking an hour to pick an outfit before a night out, but they don’t realise that while they’re tapping watches and rattling car keys we’ve spent forty-five minutes putting the finishing touches to our favourite version of that Aristocrats story.
I’m joking, of course, but you’re not obliged to laugh.
It’s been years since I got that teen-crush feeling. When I was younger my walls were plastered with pages cut from Just 17 magazine (which, incidentally, was perfect for a thirteen year old but by the time I hit 17 seemed childish and disappointing). There were guys I fancied, guys I vaguely thought might be decent boyfriend material, and guys I’d stare at for hours imagining exactly how they’d come in for a kiss.
Taj out of 3T had the best pre-kiss build up, if I remember my youthful fantasies correctly.
I remember the ache most – the longing. The knowledge that there was absolutely no way I’d ever get to meet my celebrity crushes, let alone have the courage to say a wobbly ‘hello.’ At the time it was borderline painful, and it gives me pangs of sadness to this day when I see youthful One Directioners begging for a Harry Styles follow: they know they probably won’t get it, but every atom of their crush-filled being pushes them to chase this impossible dream.
I have a million and one crushes as an adult, but most of them lack that same passionate desperation. Although my youthful crush fantasies revolved mainly around kissing the object of my desire, when I grew up a bit, despite understanding the sticky delight in going much further, I still didn’t usually think about fucking the celebrities I loved. This was probably due to the fact that the vast majority of my crushes were on comedians. I’d see guys on stage being hilarious, and all I could imagine was buying them a beer, having a chat, and exchanging jokes until we were both pissed and hurting with laughter. Crucial to the fantasy was the reciprocal laughter. As a kid I wanted mutually desired kisses – boyband heartthrobs who were as excited be kissing me as I was them. Slightly older, and I dreamed of meeting a funny man and making him laugh. I think they call it narcissism.
Unfortunately, I met one of my adult crushes once: a brilliant stand-up who looks uncannily like Rik Mayall on growth hormones. He was gigging at a club I go to a lot, and after his set it looked like he was staying around for a drink or two. I stared dreamily at him from across the room, until eventually a friend of mine nudged me in his direction.
“Go and talk to him, you dick. You’re supposed to be good at this.”
“Slander. I have never ever claimed to be particularly good at ‘this’. I have, in fact, frequently expressed surprise at how lucky I am given that I have wobbly confidence and a mortal fear of showing myself up in front of hot guys.”
“Just go and talk to him. Buy him a drink or something.”
So I did. I screwed up every ounce of my courage (Dutch and otherwise), and sauntered over to him as casually as you can saunter when all your limbs are trembling and you’ve forgotten how to speak.
“Hi,” I said, wittily.
“Hi,” he replied, with a friendly smile.
“I… umm… I think you’re great.” He smiled again, and my brain forgot how to do things. “Can… can I buy you a drink?”
He looked at me for quite a while, as if trying to work out what to say. I had no idea what he was thinking – it could have either been something awful “how do I get rid of this stuttering super-fan?” or something amazing “how do I respond well enough to put this lady at her ease so I can have her sitting on my lap by the end of the evening?”
Unfortunately, what he was actually doing was working out a polite way to point out that I was an idiot. As I smiled at him, hoping against hope he’d say yes, he broke eye contact with me, looked slowly downwards, and stared at the brim-full pint sitting in front of him.
“I’ve already got -”
I ran away. Before he’d even finished his sentence I was halfway across the room. I ran without saying anything else, because my throat had closed up and my tongue wouldn’t move. I grabbed my coat and my friends and rushed to the tube before anyone could try to change my mind. On the long journey home I alternated between waves of nauseated panic that I’d made myself look like a dick in front of one of my heroes, and triumph that I had at least managed to say a couple of words to him.
It’s lucky I never met Taj, after all. I’d only have disappointed him.
Sometimes guys ask me for my advice. Stop laughing at the back.
Although I’m as incompetent as the next person, feeling my way through sex and relationships like a horny blindfolded girl groping for the light switch, people occasionally email me and ask for help with their problems. The following predicament concerns a guy who wants to make his fantasy come true, and it struck me that there’s a theme which runs through most emails I get about this subject: whether it’s throatfucking, swinging, threesomes, or something beautifully sweet and simple like the one below, quite a few ‘how do I achieve my sexual fantasy?’ emails share a common theme. So, to try and kill a few extra birds with my stone of shoddy advice, I asked the guy for his permission to post the question, and my response.
Please chip in your own advice in the comments – I’m not an expert, and I am frequently wrong about things.
The problem: how do I make my sexual fantasy come true?
I am obsessed with girls and especially the female body. I absolutely love the female body and how it reacts to sexual stimulation.
I am 19, male and I haven’t had actual sex yet. I have been masturbating and fantasizing for several years now and really want to finally have some sexual action with a hot/cute girl. I don’t want full sex with her but I really really want to make out and pleasure her. I am very curious about how it feels for a girl and how close sexual stimulation feels with her body and words.
So as you can tell I am absolutely mullered by the fantasy of making out with and pleasuring a hot/cute girl who’s OK with not having actual sex.
The thing is: I live in a Christian community and I’m not really attractive or athletic and I don’t have a girl friend. I’m extremely introverted and so I think it’ll be while I’m in my mid or later 20s when I ‘d find a girl friend.
And my parents would wonder what I’d be doing (and against it) if I just went into town to hook up with a girl for a bit. I can’t be openly driving to people’s houses or strip clubs or whatever with my parent’s car.
So I think the best bet would be that I take a walk and have the girl pick me up while I’m doing that and us make out in the car or something like that.
But so far I haven’t found a legitimate website that I can find actual local girls to hook up with for free. I live [location redacted – somewhere rural in the US]. Do you know of any legit and free sites that will allow me to possibly find a girl willing to do this with me?
So far all I have found are scam sites and ones that I need to dumb paid membership for. And for me, I really can’t afford that risk atm. I’ve tried CraigsList but that’s all a bunch of scams..
Oh what am I to do?!?
The good news (OK, the fantastic news) here is that what you want isn’t in any way unusual. There are lots of people who want to make out – they want the awesome touching, horny kissing, etc, but not necessarily the sex. Perhaps because they’re not ready for sex, or just because they don’t enjoy sex as much as the other parts. But I assure you, there are many people who want this. So you’re in a good position.
However, there’s a really big problem with your exact situation, and that is that you seem to want a very specific thing, and you don’t seem willing to do anything even vaguely out of your comfort zone in order to achieve it: you can’t drive anywhere, you won’t pay money, you won’t use free sites because of scams, you won’t speak to women because you’re shy. In short: your easily achievable fantasy becomes almost impossible because you need it to land directly in your lap with very little compromise or effort on your part.
If I knew what the effortless solution to your problem was, I would have bottled it, sold it, and be typing this on a gold plated laptop right now.
I don’t blame you at all – this is not my way of calling you a wanker. It seems that you are worried about so many things that all seem insurmountable. Instead of trying to overcome one, or all of these issues, you have made them conditions of your fantasy and I think that’s why you’re struggling to achieve what you want.
To sum it up, your ideal fantasy is one in which you kiss, touch, and generally have sexy fun with a girl without having penetrative sex. Big tick in that box: loads of people like doing it, so your pool of potential partners is huge. But you don’t want to have to speak to a woman much, or develop a relationship with her, because you’re shy (totally understandable, by the way: some of the guys I’ve been hottest for have been shy). You don’t want to pay for membership of a dating site (and who does? They’re pricey!). You can’t use a free site because you might end up getting scammed. You don’t want to have to drive and pick her up in case your parents find out (again, understandable, if you think that the consequences of that would be horrible for you). Basically you want all of your ideal conditions met. And that makes giving you advice almost impossible, because any advice I give would mean compromising on one of your conditions.
So, bearing that in mind, here are three advice options:
- Keep trying with free sites (I am a big fan of OKCupid, and I think you have that in the States, but if anyone else has suggestions please leave them in the comments!), and trying to weed out possible scammers wherever possible. Accept, though, that you will meet people on it who are either scamming you, who want something slightly different, who might want a relationship before makeouts, or who don’t have their own car: that’s just how humans work, and it’s impossible to recommend a site which can deliver you someone guaranteed to fill every aspect of your fantasy.
- Go pro. When I read the first half of your email it occurred to me that if you really want this specific thing, but without having to develop a relationship, then speaking to a sex worker could be ideal. Find someone in your area (on Twitter I see adultwork mentioned often by sex workers, so I’d recommend heading there first, unless any sex workers have better suggestions that they can leave in the comments, pretty please!) who you can have this experience with. This involves compromising on your ‘free’ rule, but it’s one of the simplest ways to guarantee that you can have what you’re looking for.
- If you don’t like the above ideas, then the only thing I can recommend is to compromise on the ‘shy’. Which I know I know I know is hard to do. Speak to women, and try to develop a relationship with one who would like to do this with you. You don’t necessarily have to be boyfriend and girlfriend if that’s tricky for you, it might just be a girl you get along well with who also wants to have a go at making out and touching: it’s fine. I know this is scary if you’re shy: incredibly so. But it won’t get any easier if you never do it, and if you don’t manage to find a girl who’s willing to do this with you, you may still have met some nice people and had fun with them.
And that’s it, I’m afraid: I don’t have any magic bullets. As I said originally, I’ve been asked similar questions quite a few times, and I struggle to give advice because often I think what the guy wants is for his fantasy to just happen. You’re luckier than others in that usually their fantasies are things that are a bit more niche or kinky, so their original pool of potential partners is limited by the fact that only a small slice of the population would be up for the act itself. But either way I’ve seen lots of variations of “I need X but I have to get it without doing A, B or C”. As with you, they’re all usually legitimate concerns, and understandable problems. The trouble is, when you add them all up, the only way the fantasy is actually going to happen is if a passing woman just happens to fancy making out with the stranger she’s driving past, and has the confidence to shout out of her car window and ask for it.
So, to summarise, my advice would be that you need to pick one of your conditions and either compromise on it or make some effort to overcome it, or you need to cross your fingers and hope really hard that the very unlikely happens, and do a hell of a lot of wanking in the meantime.
Oh, and worry about the car situation when you get to it.