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X-factor of sex: the finalists

Remember a couple of weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to get people to ring me and make sex noises down the phone, in order to win some cool sex toys? Well, I was right – it was an AWESOME idea, because I can now reveal the entries, and they’re brilliant. I challenge you to listen to the following clips and not spend at least a minute grinning in delight. Before we start, here’s a round-up for those who might have missed the excitement: The challenge: I asked people to record their best sex noises – funny, sexy, whatever came out when they channeled their best Meg Ryan. The winner of this X-factor of sex would get three spectacularly awesome sex toys:

  • A Doxy massager (super-powerful wand toy that made me make the weirdest orgasm sounds ever)
  • A Pleasure Pulse (amazingly-futuristic and cool vibrating toy designed for cock stimulation)
  • A Doxy Skittle (powerful insertable massager for use pretty much wherever you like)

Two runners-up will get to pick one of the three, because the lovely people at Doxy and Hot Octopuss are generous like that. I didn’t expect many people to enter, because most competitions just ask you to retweet something whereas this involved either making a recording at home or leaving me one of the strangest answerphone messages you’ve ever left, so I’m delighted that so many people took the time to do it. So. This is effectively the bit of X-factor where the judges shut up and let the public decide, only for this you don’t have to call a premium-rate number or sit through an ad break. Help me pick the winners – listen, then cast your vote for your favourite. Voting closes at midnight on 9th November.

The sound files are all played with something that requires HTML5, I think. If you’re having problems hearing them, please try a different browser or send me an angry email that implies I did it on purpose just to fuck with you.  Please also note that while a couple of the entries are well funny, as a general rule they are NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

Howling wolf
Northern Boy
Vibrate me

Voting is now closed – here are the winners…

The overall winner: K

Runners-up: Northern Boy and ‘Vibrate me’

Thank you so much to everyone who entered! And MASSIVE thank you to Pulse and Doxy, for humouring me when I want to do weird competitions, and being so generous with prizes. Each of the prizes on offer retails for £80-90, and each of them has made me (or guys I know) go ‘OMFG UNNNGHYEAH’ on a fair few occasions in the past. If you didn’t enter the comp but you’d like to buy one, here are some links through my sponsor websites:


  • RichardP says:

    Potentially interesting side note, that was recorded while I ran my fingernails up and down my own spine. Not sure why but that always triggers some fairly desperate moans. Though admitadly it’s a hell of a lot more effective when it’s someone else’s fingers.

  • Steve says:

    It seems I can play them all at the same time, strangely weird and erotic at the same time

  • Jessy says:

    Stupid phone. I can’t even hear it.

  • Jessy says:

    Opened it in Chrome. It works. Yay!

  • Tiff says:

    Oh my gosh, K’s and Lewis’ are -hilarious-! So glad I listened until the end (whitney houston, man. classic.)

  • Chris says:

    Outstanding competition!!!! I only wish I’d known, I would have entered. That’ll teach to pay more attention.


    In my humble opion, K is clearly the winner. Titalating and humorous all in one entry.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hooray! Glad you liked it =) If you want to find out about future things, just subscribe in the box at the top right hand corner (or at the bottom of posts) and you’ll get an email when a new blog goes up. (shameless plug, I know)

  • Jane says:

    These tickled me no end. I forgot to turn down my speakers and M’s head shot up like a meerkat’s when the first one rang out from the other side of the sitting room. Not sure which one I like best – I think I need to listen to them all again. NB: are the names of the clips significant to the sound-effects themselves or monikers in all instances? (Got far more ‘chimp’ than ‘jazz banjo” from number two, for example!) Jane xxx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha, delighted you like them – I LOVE this competition so much =) There’s no significance in the names – I just always ask people how they’d prefer to be credited/which username they want, so they can choose their own level of anonymity/pseudonymity. So yeah, no connection!

  • Serocco says:

    Holy hell, so hot and so loud 0.0

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