Remember a couple of weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to get people to ring me and make sex noises down the phone, in order to win some cool sex toys? Well, I was right – it was an AWESOME idea, because I can now reveal the entries, and they’re brilliant. I challenge you to listen to the following clips and not spend at least a minute grinning in delight. Before we start, here’s a round-up for those who might have missed the excitement: The challenge: I asked people to record their best sex noises – funny, sexy, whatever came out when they channeled their best Meg Ryan. The winner of this X-factor of sex would get three spectacularly awesome sex toys:
- A Doxy massager (super-powerful wand toy that made me make the weirdest orgasm sounds ever)
- A Pleasure Pulse (amazingly-futuristic and cool vibrating toy designed for cock stimulation)
- A Doxy Skittle (powerful insertable massager for use pretty much wherever you like)
Two runners-up will get to pick one of the three, because the lovely people at Doxy and Pulse are generous like that. I didn’t expect many people to enter, because most competitions just ask you to retweet something whereas this involved either making a recording at home or leaving me one of the strangest answerphone messages you’ve ever left, so I’m delighted that so many people took the time to do it. So. This is effectively the bit of X-factor where the judges shut up and let the public decide, only for this you don’t have to call a premium-rate number or sit through an ad break. Help me pick the winners – listen, then cast your vote for your favourite. Voting closes at midnight on 9th November.
The sound files are all played with something that requires HTML5, I think. If you’re having problems hearing them, please try a different browser or send me an angry email that implies I did it on purpose just to fuck with you. Please also note that while a couple of the entries are well funny, as a general rule they are NOT SAFE FOR WORK.
Voting is now closed – here are the winners…
The overall winner: K
Runners-up: Northern Boy and ‘Vibrate me’
Thank you so much to everyone who entered! And MASSIVE thank you to Pulse and Doxy, for humouring me when I want to do weird competitions, and being so generous with prizes. Each of the prizes on offer retails for £80-90, and each of them has made me (or guys I know) go ‘OMFG UNNNGHYEAH’ on a fair few occasions in the past. If you didn’t enter the comp but you’d like to buy one, here are some links through my sponsor websites: