He’s never really spanked me with a hairbrush. Hasn’t even picked it up from my dressing table while I’m peering into the mirror to do eyeliner, then delivered a playful, thudding whack onto my jeans-clad bum before we leave on a night out. But that doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.

This post contains corporal punishment and elements of consensual non-consent. 

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A long time ago, when I used to date, I had a pet theory about how to make dating a little less arduous: the ‘One Drink Bailout.’ It was published as a guest blog for a fellow blogger – who, incidentally, wrote me a beautiful guest blog on crushes in return – but his blog is now offline, so the post has disappeared. It’s one of the posts I’m asked about most often, and today someone told me they were trying to find the link but couldn’t, so I said I’d repost it here. I wrote it back in 2012 so I’m not sure how it’s aged, but if you like it feel free to add it to your dating profile if you’re sick of spending long evenings on dates you know aren’t going anywhere.

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People often think that dating a sex blogger consists of living every single day on a sexual rollercoaster: shagging first thing in the morning, enjoying a blow-job with your post-work Xbox session, and then filling your evenings with creative fucking as you test out brand new sex toys. Here’s what it’s actually like.

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What’s on your shopping list of ‘ideal qualities in a partner’? Sexy? Funny? Clever? Absurdly wealthy or sultry and mysterious? I used to have a long list of things I thought I needed from someone. But the thing I care most about now would never have made my list when I was younger: kindness.

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Recently I wrote up some instructions on kinky DIY: how to turn your coffee table into a spanking bench. This post is the inevitable write-up of the first time we used it. It’s filthy, because this table was made for fucking, so probably best not to read it at work or in front of your grandchildren.

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