A while ago, the lovely folks over at Doxy commissioned me to write a couple of erotic stories. This is an extract from the first one, complete with audio porn of the full story, and it’s all about a girl who goes hunting for a guy to help her realise her dream: having a threesome with a dude and a fucking machine.
OK gang, listen up because I’m angry. For years – YEARS – I have been recommending the Doxy to anyone and everyone with a clitoris. It’s the turbo-charged fuckstick of my wildest dreams and by my rough calculations it has delivered more orgasms in the three and a half years I’ve owned it than any living human has given me over the course of the rest of my life. Myself included. I love Doxy so much I would recklessly and gleefully abseil down the nearest tall building to unfurl a ‘FUCK YEAH DOXY’ banner that could be read from miles away. But now Doxy has launched a new toy – a compact wand called ‘Doxy Number 3‘ – and I am, to put it mildly, livid.
Here are 10 things I hate about the Doxy Number 3.
Woo! Start of the week! That means you get to throw all last week’s mistakes into the bin and be reborn as a better person. That’s what I like to think, at any rate. In ‘two things‘ this week we’re starting with the good stuff: a competition in which you can win a Doxy die cast, as well as £100 to spend on more amazing sexy things. Then we’ll move on to something that annoyed me: the McVities ‘girls’ night in’ advert.
“A spreadsheet of my best wanking times.”
He didn’t even ask why. He just laughed, rolled his eyes, and then wandered into the kitchen to make coffee. But, for the record, I am compiling a spreadsheet of my wanking times, so that I can eventually graph the results and post a blog about it. Why?