The first time I make you come is just for me. I’m not even going to bother taking off all my clothes. I’ll just yank my knickers to one side, hop on your erection the second it’s hard enough, and ride your dick till you fill me up with spunk.

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It is very very rare for me to stumble across weird sex that I haven’t already fantasised about, or seen elsewhere in porn, and as a result it took me a good long time to work out how to put this story down in words. 

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I’m a big fan of build-up and anticipation. This period of time just before Christmas is often more fun than Christmas itself for me, because while it exists only in my mind it can pretty much always be perfect. The coolest Christmas presents look brilliant under the tree when they’re wrapped, but in the afterglow of the opening frenzy there’s always the worry that the amazing thing you picked out to give your special someone will end up disappointing them. Without the shiny paper it’ll be mundane and obvious. Potentially even embarrassing. The same is true of sex fantasies.

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Sometimes a girl just gets an idea that won’t leave her head until she has made it happen. And when I first saw The Big Gay Review’s post about the Fleshlight Launch, I realised that this automated dick-stroking gadget could potentially be adapted to make one of my sexiest dreams come true: the dream I have about orgasm, and watching a guy get milked of all his lovely spunk. So I nagged Fleshlight, got them to send me a Launch, then settled down in my workshop to build a thing. Behold: The Machine.

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Sex toys for men: I love them, some people hate them, but every sex and relationships columnist has to have an opinion on them. And some of those opinions are bullshit. While I’ll often get very shouty about facts, very rarely would I tell someone that their opinion is bullshit, but in the case of male sex toys I am comfortable doing this. Because if you think that sex toys for men are somehow less acceptable than sex toys for anyone else, chances are you’re doing this based on either bad facts or an incomplete grasp of the benefits of sex toys. Not only are you catastrophically wrong, you’re also doing an entirely unnecessary harm.

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