Christmas presents to fill your orifices and also the void in your soul

Image by the fabulous Stuart F Taylor

I’ve never done a proper guide to Christmas presents before – one where I actually recommend products to buy. That’s because I am absolutely Shit At Business. I suck at writing the more commercial blog posts because it sounds more boring to tell you to buy a sex toy than to tell you exactly why it turned me on. BUT this year at least two (TWO!) people have asked me for gift recommendations, so I’m going to give you a list of Christmas presents that you can buy for other people or yourself. It includes sex toys, books, and some non-sex-related things that I just think are really cool.

Firstly, if you’re buying sexy Christmas presents for someone, check out this guide to sexy shopping that I wrote for Hot Octopuss. There’s important shit in there about how not to turn a sexy gift into unwanted pressure.

Secondly, I’m doing this post using MoneySavingExpert rules: any link with a * goes to a company that sponsors my website, so I’ll get kudos if you buy from them. But don’t feel like you have to. Ideally I want this post to be fun for you, not like an awkward meeting with a double-glazing salesperson. So I’m only recommending things I genuinely either have and enjoy or would appreciate unwrapping myself. Ready? LET’S GO.

Doxy Number 3

This is my sex toy of the year, because it simply couldn’t NOT be. It is powerful, compact, and makes a lovely purring noise when you fire it up and rub it against your junk. It will also, apparently, soon have attachments available so you can use it for things like bumming. Also when I wrote about the Doxy Number 3 I got my partner to use it on me while I read a sonnet aloud, and although it was excruciatingly embarrassing to begin with it ended up being surprisingly hot.

Buy Doxy Number 3 for £129* (and use the code GOTN15 to get 15% off plus free shipping anywhere)

Image of a doxy number 3 - brushed chrome looking wand toy

Sum: Tales From The Afterlives

I moved this year, and so I had to put all of my books away into boxes. As I was doing it, I came across a whole bunch of books I’d forgotten I had, and got to fall in love with some of them all over again. This book, which is so cool I shed a tear when I found it, contains forty short stories, each with a different conception of what might happen in the afterlife. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do believe that this is one of the prettiest books I own. Amazing Christmas-gift fodder.

Buy Sum: Tales From The Afterlives for £7.42

The Queen Bee

This sex toy is a hairbrush-shaped clitoral stimulator that works via oscillation instead of vibration. Broadly that means what it does is ‘tap’ repeatedly and quickly rather than rub from side to side. I had a go with an early prototype (and I now have one of the actual models – which is the same but slightly more powerful), and I really liked it. It’s a very different sensation, and one that works really well for a mindful wank, especially when combined with a dildo.

But it is Marmite – some people (like me) love it, and others really hate it. The key criticisms seem to be a) it’s loud and b) the stimulation comes from a wide plate, so it gives broad stimulation all across the vulva rather than pinpoint stimulation to your clit. The former doesn’t bother me because I don’t have housemates, and the latter is exactly what I’m looking for in a rumbly wank toy. So. If you’re like me you’ll probably like this, and if you’re not like me you won’t.

Buy it from Hot Octopuss for £119* (and get 10% off with the code GOTN10)
They also sell the Pulse III which is an oscillating dick toy for £79*, which is also amazing and also 10% off with that code.

Hand holding the Queen Bee which looks like a hairbrush without bristles

100 Best Video Games That Never Existed

ANOTHER BOOK YAY! This one is basically a meandering wander through the imagination of Nate Crowley (aka @FrogCroakley – one of the people I love most on Twitter). Like much of his career, it was born of a tweet that got out of hand, when he said he would invent an imaginary video game for every ‘like’ he received. One thousand ‘likes’ and a book deal later, this colourful thing was born. Here’s an extract from my favourite game that never existed: Sex Haver 3.

“Perhaps the most charmingly inept entry in the history of erotic art. Make no mistake, Sex Haver 3 was hideous. But at the same time, it was so inaccurate it remains safe to play at work. The character models appeared to have been created with no reference to actual human anatomy, with guesswork genitals and eyes that seemed to be murky windows into mankind’s collective regret.. ‘Gameplay’ was achieved via keyboard-controleld groping, and use of the mouse to click and drag body parts into position. The mouse wheel increased the tempo of pelvis thrusts, while synthesised voices moaned constantly, blurting out lines like “oooh, yeah,” “do a sex on me,” and “bung it in.””

Buy 100 Best Video Games That Never Existed (currently £8.68 on Amazon)

Cover of the book 100 best video games that never existed

A dinosaur filled with tiny phytoplankton

This is the best gift I have ever given anyone: I bought it for my other half earlier this year and we have had much fun caring for our teeny tiny pets. If you’ve been gasping in awe and wonder at the magical sea creatures on Planet Earth II, you too might enjoy having some photosynthesising plankton living in your home and offering you bioluminescent bursts of joy each night before you go to bed.

Buy dinoflagellates from DinoPop for $59.95

Plastic dinosaur filled with water and phytoplankton that are bioluminescently glowing blue

Tantus Sport

Some dildos are good for wanking, some are good for using on someone else, some are good for pegging, and some are good for ALL of the above oh hell yes put them in me. The Tantus sport is one of those all-rounders, in my opinion. And it also comes in PURPLE which is the most important feature of any dildo.

Buy it from PeepShowToys for $38* (and get 10% off with the code GOTN10)

Or just go and browse all of their dildos*, because they have some incredible ones – and they are all body safe.

Three tantus sport dildos in silver, purple and black

Pretty cards for lovely people

Chainbear (AKA Stuart F Taylor) not only draws lovely things for my site, he also draws lovely things that are printed on cards that you can give to other people. I particularly like this ‘sorry you’re having a shit time‘ card, because cards are a nice way of saying ‘I see you’re struggling, and I support you, but I don’t want to get in your way or offer unsolicited advice.’

Check out Stuart’s Etsy shop

Card with a picture f an elephant and a hedgehog holding umbrellas on it that says 'sorry you're having a shit time'

Tenga

If you or your loved one has a dick and you haven’t yet tried Tenga, then why not make 2018 the year you first slide on one of these beautiful wank-sheaths and really go to town? I’ve banged on before about how much I love them, and although their latest product (the Flip Zero EV) is quite expensive, there are loads of more affordable options available for Christmas gifts.

I recommend the original vacuum cup* if you want something cheap yet effective, and the spiral sleeve* if you’ve got more cash to splash and you want a masturbation tool that looks like an executive desk toy. Anything Tenga is good though, in my humble opinion. Both those links give you 15% off if you use the code GOTN15.

Red masturbation toy with white stripes and Tenga branding on it

Enjoy Sex: How, When And If You Want To

This is a sex advice book, but not as you know it. It’s not there to tell you how to have sex, what you’re doing wrong, or give you 75 Positions That Will Blow Your Mind In Bed. Instead it asks some really interesting and useful questions of you: what do you actually enjoy? Why? How? It holds your hand and takes you on a journey that helps you learn more about yourself.

Buy Enjoy Sex: How, When And If You Want To (currently £7.99 on Amazon)

Cover image for the book 'Enjoy Sex' with a red 'do not disturb' style sign on a white background

ElectraStim Jack Socket

When people think of e-stim, usually they imagine zapping themselves with firebolts of electricity (that’s what I used to see it as, at any rate). But in fact, e-stim is more like giving yourself the power of electric touch. You attach the toys/electrodes to your body, and then let your imagination run wild now that you have that zinging power at your fingertips. I’m recommending the Jack Socket here because of all the ElectraStim goodies I’ve tried, it’s my favourite. But honestly if all you want is to experience what e-stim is like, you just need the flick pack, a willing partner, and a spare afternoon to spend going ‘OH MY GOD THAT IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.’

Buy the Jack Socket for £79.99* (you’ll also need a flick pack of some sort to attach it to)

Buy the Flick Pack for £99.99* Use code GOTN10 to get 10% off either of these, or anything on the ElectraStim site.

Electrastim Jack Socket with connected Flick Pack

Codenames: Deep Undercover

If you’ve known me for a while, you will understand the deep and powerful hatred that I feel for the game Cards Against Humanity. At Christmas, someone usually cracks it out and I have to either pretend to be violently ill and go hide in a bedroom, or actually explain why it’s so fucking awful, thus turning myself into a Christmas killjoy. Luckily, other games are available, and if you’re a wordy person then you might enjoy this recent discovery: Codenames. You play on two teams, and the idea is for one person to get the other people on the team to guess ‘your’ words on a grid. I can’t make it sound fun with that description, but basically it’s all about hinting at words using verbal dexterity. And if you want something more risqué, Codenames: Deep Undercover has rude words in it too.

Buy Codenames for £14.49

Buy Codenames: Deep Undercover for £16.70 (turns out swearwords cost exactly £2.21 extra)

Cover image for board game 'codenames: deep undercover' which has two spies standing back to back and whispering

Tail butt plug

This year, finally, I achieved The Dream of having a tail butt plug. I know, I KNOW, you’re probably incredibly jealous. If you too would like to achieve The Dream (or you know someone who does), here are a couple of suggestions based on Things I Picked From My Sponsor Sites That I Think I Would Like Too.

Unicorn tails silicone butt plug ($26, 10% off with GOTN10)*

Midnight fox glass butt plug ($33.49, 15% off with GOTN15)*

glass butt plug with black foxlike tail attached

BONUS: Charitable Christmas gifts

Sometimes guest bloggers ask me to donate their fees to charity, and a nice side-effect of this is that I get to discover new charities that do awesome things. So as a Christmas bonus, here are some great charities that I’ve discovered thanks to guest bloggers, and one or two that I just really like. You can donate to a charity on behalf of someone if you want to give them a warm fuzzy feeling instead of a present directly, and SUPER BONUS – charitable donations are the perfect last-minute present if you, like me, hate trawling round the shops.

FREE Christmas presents

Not everyone can afford to splash out on expensive toys and books and things, so here are some ideas for gifts you can give for free.

  • Any book that you’ve read and loved. Some of my most treasured books are second-hand ones, with inscriptions inside from friends who tell me they love me and they know I’ll enjoy this book.
  • A Skype call. If you can’t afford to travel to go and visit friends/family this Christmas, set aside a mutually agreed time to sit down for a call with them. Grab a glass of wine, a mince pie, and dedicate time to catching up properly.
  • A favour/a hand. Christmas is ridiculously busy for lots of people, so if you can’t afford a gift then offer someone a helping hand. Can you give them a hand with the housework or DIY? Pick their kids up from school and look after them to give them an evening to themselves? If you’re cash-poor but time-rich, these things can make a world of difference.
  • A sexy story. This is a sex blog, after all, and I’m assuming at least some of you are buying gifts for your lovers. For me, genuinely one of the best presents I could ever receive would be a sexy story that someone else had written (or read aloud) just for me. It’s personal, intimate and entirely free.

It just wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t end on something ridiculously soppy, so there you have it. My 2017 guide to Christmas gifts that will fill your orifices and also the gaping void in your soul. Buy them for someone else, or yourself, or just stare briefly at them before downing a pint of mulled wine and falling asleep in front of Doctor Who.

6 Comments

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Woo, Codenames! That game is fun, but also fucking hard (though rewarding if you manage to win).
    Depending on your imagination, even the core game can be surprisingly dirty. The last time I played it, my codewords included ‘whip’, ‘glove’ and ‘shoe’. You can probably guess what direction my suggestions went in from there… which resulted in my team arguing over which of the other words could and couldn’t be a fetish object. Good times.

  • David says:

    ‘Tales from the afterlife’ is wonderful! Spookily, despite not knowing anyone who has read it I found it on my Google books one day. Excellent recommendation.

  • notnk says:

    Just had a ‘not wearing pants’ dream. Pretty sure it was triggered partially by this post.

    A not wearing pants dream where I was suddenly the subject of a sex toy demonstration, because I was only member of the audience not wearing pants (duh!).

    And the sex toy in question did look very much like the Queen Bee. And it was made VERY VERY clear that the price included the discount from the girlonthenet sponsor code. And, yes, the resulting in dream spunk everywhere was very on-brand.

    Unfortunately I think this ‘Your Dream Advertising Campaign’ tech you and HotOctopus have come up with possibly still needs a bit of work.

    I don’t think the Queen Bee is actually that big in real life, and I’m pretty sure its main feature is something to do with rumbling pulsating plates, rather than medical silicone tubing cock bondage. Also, whilst the usage of the girlonthenet sponsor code was heavily emphasised, the actual pricing was still kinda of unclear.

    And, although the back half of the dream, where I switched to female form after I found and put on my pants, co-starred in a netflix-esque show where I had to save people from bad deals they had entered into with a definitely not a demon guy, in Twilight Zone-like parallel universes with moody lighting at night, and I was referred to as ‘The Imp’, with a plot twist of me and not demon guy having to team up to save magic in the season finale, was interesting, I’m not sure why I had to heal Kirk and Spock at my house (that was nothing like my house because I have a flat) in the opening episode after returning from the sex toy demonstration …?

    …maybe that bit was part of an campaign using the dream time ad tech for a product I didn’t recognise?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Honestly, this is so amazing I don’t even know what to say. I just wanted to acknowledge how brilliant it is – thanks for sharing =)

  • Chris says:

    GOTN,

    I’m totally horrified to learn that you don’t like a cards against humanity! But….. you’re still one of my sexual super hero’s. Your allowed your own opion, after all.

    Are you aware of all the wonderful things the folks at cards against humanity are doing with what they’ve created? Maybe seeing what there doing with the money there making will change your mind.

    • Girl on the net says:

      I have and I kind of like some of it (though some I think is more just very clever marketing with a cause focus) but the actual game itself is just awful. They could donate all their profits to human rights orgs and I’d still cringe if my family cracked it out at Christmas.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *