This story contains elements of dormophilia (i.e. wanting people to touch me up while I sleep), all very consensual. Don’t do this sort of thing unless you have discussed in advance with your partner and you’re sure that they would enjoy it.

The night before Christmas, he tiptoes into the bedroom to make sure he doesn’t wake me, but he doesn’t need to be that careful: I pretend to be asleep anyway. Lying on my stomach, head turned away from the door he’s just entered through, I keep my breathing soft and calm and make out that I’m sleeping. If he knows I’m awake he might try to talk to me, and at that point sleep will be impossible. Besides, if he thinks I’m out for the count, it’ll be way hotter if he tries to do The Thing I Like. I’m wearing my silk knickers, just in case. I really want him to do it.

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I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times someone’s removed my bra with dexterity and skill. It just doesn’t happen very often. There’s a reason for this: bra hooks are pretty tricky to handle! When I was younger I think I bought in to the propaganda that a guy who was ‘good in bed’ would be able to magically unhook my bra one-handed while we were making out, without any fumbling whatsoever. But that’s bollocks. Nowadays, I think that the hottest way to remove a bra isn’t to fumble with it, or even dispense a little quick-fingered wizardry. The sexiest and most efficient way to remove my bra is to just tell me to take it off.

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Recently I ran a competition on Twitter with my awesome site sponsor The Pleasure Garden. We wanted to do something a bit more fun than the usual ‘retweet to win’ competition, so instead we asked people to contribute their best sex tips: what advice have you picked up during your own sexual play that you’d like to pass on to other people? The results were amazing, and although the winner is being announced over on The Pleasure Garden’s blog, I was so delighted by the fabulous suggestions that I wanted to show them all a bit of extra love here, and share some of the wisdom that people were kind enough to chip in. Here’s a selection of your best sex tips…

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One of my early boyfriends used to make my cunt gush using only five words. Whispered into my ear over drinks with friends, mouthed at me across a crowded room, I think even sometimes pinged into my Nokia phone with a knicker-moistening chime, one of the horniest things to hear from someone you fancy: “you’re SO gonna get it.”

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Here’s something that has never happened to me in the whole of my slutty life: after a fuck, a guy pulls his dick out of me and shuffles down the bed, so as to get a better view of all the cum dripping out of my freshly-fucked cunt. Never happened. Ever. This is the shining truth at the heart of why I hate the term ‘creampie’.

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