“Don’t call me ‘good girl’ unless you plan on fucking the Mario coins out of me.” Ever since I saw that excellent, excellent tweet, I’ve been thinking about hot new ways to ask someone to fuck me. Seriously: ‘Fuck the Mario coins out of me’ has to be up there as one of the best fuckbegs I’ve ever heard. Gold. I cannot promise to do quite as well as that (who could?!), but with big thanks to those on Twitter who chipped in, I’m aiming for quantity in lieu of quality. Here are 42 different ways to ask someone to fuck you.
Fuck me like you mean it.
Fuck me like you own me. Fuck me like you hate me.
Fuck me so utterly and brutally that I invent new blasphemies.
Fuck me till I’m broken. Till I’m messy. Till I hate you.
Fuck me like you’re showing all the others what to do.
Fuck me till my heart sings. Fuck me till my cunt stings.
Fuck the smirk right off my fucking face. And then back on again.
And off and on and off and on until I can’t remember what it was I asked you in the first place.
Fuck me till I see double.
Fuck me like it’s Armageddon and you absolutely have to come before the universe collapses and the darkness consumes us both.
Fuck me like your dick hurts and my cunt’s the only cure.
Fuck me like you’re late for something.
Fuck me till I’m raw.
Fuck me so that when I scream the neighbours think it’s foxes.
Make me wanna worship at whatever church ‘your cock’ is.
Fuck the ‘good girl‘ out of me.
Fuck the ‘good girl’ into me.
Fuck me into a puddle. Into a daze. Into a very fine paste.
Fuck me like you’re high-as-fuck and my ass is the only thing that’ll work to make you come so you have to pound it really deep and hard while you shudder and groan into my ear about what a good fucking girl I am being for you.
Fuck the wind out of me.
Fuck the ‘sorry’ out of me.
Fuck me so hard that I cannot walk for days.
Fuck me till my brain malfunctions. Till I see new colours.
Fuck me with such fervour even Jesus Christ applauds us.
Fuck me like you’re wanking.
Fuck me like you’re working out.
Fuck me till I cry.
Fuck me like you wanna beat the last guy.
Fuck me senseless. Fuck me speechless. Fuck me inside out.
Fuck me so deep it’s almost as if when you shoot spunk you can get me to taste it right at the back of my throat.
Fuck me till I half pass out and wonder if I dreamed it.
Fuck me like you really fucking mean it.
SHAMELESS PLUG: If you like this post and want a sticker bearing the legend ‘fuck me like you mean it’ to give to a friend/loved one/person who fucked you so hard you saw stars and who you would like the opportunity to fuck again, support me on Patreon (at any level) and you’ll get a Christmas card from me including this very thing. You also get a few extra stickers, early access to new audio porn, bonus content, the opportunity to choose what gets recorded next, haphazard ramblings from behind-the-scenes of the blog, and the opportunity to remove all ads on site. All while enjoying the feeling of knowing you helped bring lovely audio porn to people – making erotica more accessible and literally facilitating people’s lovely wanks. Amazing! Seriously this is the thing I love most about my job: the knowledge that someone somewhere is bashing one out and I helped them to do that. Support me on Patreon and you get to have that kickass feeling too.
Everyone who’s a Patreon on December 1st will get a card & stickers if they want them, so join quickly if you wanna make the list.