Are fetish club dress codes always necessary?

Image by the excellent Stuart F Taylor

“Dear GOTN, despite the fact that you’re a grumpy arse for most of the year, I’d like to invite you to my birthday party…

Ooh! A party! How fun!

“It will be held on Saturday at 8pm…”

Yay! I’m free on Saturday! I can go!

“At this address…

I’ll find it on Gmaps. Oooh, I’m so excited!

“The fancy dress theme will be…”

Shit it, I’m not going.

Dressing up

Sometimes I feel hornier in jeans than I do in a corset. There: I said it. While there’s a certain thrill in dressing up, I also like to be spanked in soft cotton pyjamas, and whacked with a belt through thick denim or corduroy to warm me up before a bare-arsed thrashing.

Occasionally a corset feels deeply hot, and of course there’s value in looking the part when I’m in the mood, but there are some times when dressing up feels a little bit too much.

And as with fancy dress parties, so too with fetish clubs.

A confession: I’ve never been to Torture Garden. I know, I know. As a Londoner who is interested in everything hot and spanky, admitting that I’ve never visited Torture Garden is like Nigella Lawson claiming she doesn’t own any spoons. When I was younger, and a regular attendee of fetish clubs and parties, people I knew would talk in hushed and excited whispers about the annual Torture Garden ball: what they were going to wear, how amazing it was going to be, etc, and instead of buying a ticket and hopping on board the sexy bus, I’d grumble in the corner about not fitting in with the beautiful people.

Thing is, I have no idea whether Torture Garden is filled primarily with people dressed head-to-toe in expensive costumes, and in fact their website explicitly states that lots of people make their own outfits. It sounds utterly gorgeous, and I can thoroughly understand why people want to go. But here’s why I don’t:

Please always remember that if your outfit wouldn’t turn heads in the street – don’t bother to wear it to Torture Garden.

Argh. This – the code as well as the way it’s worded – sends me into a complete tailspin panic.

I went to my first fetish event sometime during university, with a guy I was seeing at the time. We popped along to the pre-club market in our jeans and sweatshirts, but for the evening party we were told to slip into something a little less comfortable. He could get away with smart trousers and a shirt – I had to go a bit further. Having very little in the way of ‘kink clothes’, I only managed to go at all because he generously bought me a corset that my own meagre student loan would never have extended to. I wore it with a long skirt that I had in my wardrobe, and spent most of the evening feeling hideously overdressed. Should have stripped down to pants, probably, but I was nervous as all hell.

I understand why some people want to dress up. Dressing up can be intensely horny in and of itself, and I’d never want to deprive people of the ability to dress up to the nines and look fucking fabulous at any club night. Nor do I want to hang around in the corner of your otherwise fun night looking like a goth in a badly-fitting hoodie and jeans combo, and kill your buzz because you think I’m a stranger who’s got pissed and wandered into the wrong place.

Problem is, though, ultimately a goth in a badly-fitting hoodie is exactly what I am, and I’m more likely to turn up to an event if I can wear clothes that I’m comfortable in. Clothes that haven’t cost me a fortune, that I haven’t had to spend ages weeping over, and that I can easily get into or out of in order to play.

I wouldn’t normally mention this – I don’t go to clubs much any more (partly because of the dress codes, if I’m honest), and I thought I was the only one who hated these rules. But when I mentioned this on Twitter a whole bunch of people agreed with me, and expressed similar reservations. As the primary purpose of this blog is to show what a weird/pervy/incompetent person I am in the hope that someone equally weird/pervy/incompetent won’t feel like they’re on their own, I thought I’d write it up.

Here are some of the reasons people expressed for disliking dress codes:

  • They’re often expensive. This is a biggie, because it also means they make the club exclusive to those who have a fair whack of money. While someone on low wages might be able to save for a big night out every few months, having to purchase a corset/latex suit/costume means the evening will be out of reach for many.
  • They can exclude people with different body types. Yeah, it’s awesome if we can all get semi-naked and strut around loving each other’s bodies – that’s probably ultimately what a fet night should strive for. But many people don’t feel comfortable with that. If you’ve spent years being told by society that you’re unattractive, then I can understand why you don’t want the added pressure of having to wear a jock-strap when you’re exploring your kink. Moreover, some intensely hot fetish costumes seem to only be on sale to people who are size 16 or under, and don’t get me started on the shoes. I have huge feet, and I own two pretty sexy pairs of fetish heels – both of them are too small for me, and very tight, and I bought them only because to buy some that actually fit would require finding a specialist shop, and at the time I had no idea how I might go about that.
  • They give a very narrow definition of fetish. A couple of people pointed out that they have (or know people who have) denim fetishes. And yet a lot of clubs specify ‘no jeans.’ Mainstream media tends to advertise any article to do with ‘fetish’ with a guy in a latex gimp mask, but do we really need to make the same assumptions? What if you have a corduroy fetish? Or you feel sexiest in cotton PJs? Or – a topic which may well get it’s own blog post at some point because it’s so hot it brings me out in an actual sweat – what about yoga pants? Sometimes a fetish is a fetish because, while it might not “turn heads in the street”, it turns an individual’s mind in just the right way.
  • Some people just don’t feel horny in latex.

A couple of people even mentioned actively feeling horrible – being judged by door staff or told that they can’t come in because they’re just not trying hard enough. I don’t need to tell you that, if you’ve spent half a day agonising over what to wear and buying clothes you wouldn’t normally wear, you’re probably already feeling a bit anxious so being told at the door that you’re not good enough is absolutely crushing.

Reasons for fetish club dress codes

A couple of people also pointed out that there are often good reasons for dress codes, namely:

  • It’s really fun to dress up, and people like the excuse. Skirt Club – an underground community for bisexual and bicurious girls – told me that for the first year they ran events, they had no dress code. But members told them they liked having a theme, so they started giving each event dress codes, from ‘touch of pink’ for Valentine’s Day (which you could nail just by wearing a pink hairband) to corset couture (the theme of their latest event).
  • It stops randoms wandering in and killing the buzz. One of the last things you want when you’re being beaten over a spanking bench is for a group of curious, judgmental non-kinksters to turn up for the purposes of having a giggle. I have no idea how much of a widespread problem this is, but to be honest I think that issue can be solved just as well with guest lists, membership cards and suchlike as it can with dress codes.

So yeah, I can see why most clubs have dress codes, and I’m certainly not going to wade in and demand that any club flings the door open for a casual-looking girl in a hoodie and jeans just because she’s had a rant about it on her blog. And I’m certainly not demanding that all clubs drop their dress codes just because some of us prefer playing in corduroy. What I am saying, though, is that it’d be amazing if there were more events that had a ‘come in whatever makes you happy’ policy – whether that’s latex, rubber, one of these amazingly hot bodystockings that a lady wore to the F-club once and that made me nearly drop my drink, or jeans, cords, PJs, and other less traditionally fetishy clothes.

Basically, it’d be nice if those who love PVC and rubber and leather and fet could be a bit more understanding of those who don’t, or can’t, or really want to but fail to meet the often excessively high standards. And it’d be doubly nice if those who do have more relaxed dress codes could shout about it from the rooftops: you’re unique and special, and judging by the reaction to my tweet the other day, there’ll be plenty of people popping on their comfiest outfit and heading straight to your club.

There ends the blog post, but I thought it’d be good to give a shoutout to those clubs which do have a more casual dress code, as well as a couple of recommendations for cheaper outfits that should get you in to a ‘dress up’ fetish club if budget is your main issue. If you have any more suggestions, especially for non-London events, please do add them in the comments. Links get held for moderation, but I’ll do my best to approve them as quickly as possible.

Casual dress code clubs

@PeerKinkLondon
The London Alternative Market afterparty.
For the women at Club Pedestal (which is a Femdom event, so there are strict rules for the guys)
After Pandora – apparently each party is themed but you can take this as little or as far as you like.

Cheap/easy fetish outfits (these don’t solve all the problems, but do get past the ‘holy shit I can’t afford a £100 corset’ issue)

These are all from my sponsor’s site, and are the result of a (fairly rushed) attempt to come up with some possibilities. Again, please add ideas in the comments if you have any! Basically any bodystocking, although I think ones with wide fishnets are the absolute sexiest, because of the aforementioned lady I once saw in the F-club who rocked hers so hard I swooned. And you can wear with underwear beneath if the full-nakedness makes you nervous. Although I’ve never seen a guy wear one, that would work STUNNINGLY WELL, in my opinion. You can also pick up PVC dresses for less than £30. In the past I’ve seen submissive guys get into clubs by going topless with the addition of a couple of accessories, like collars and leads or masks. Not sure this’d work for every ‘dress up’ club, though. Someone on Twitter also suggested body paint as a cheap/easy way to ‘dress’ up. Not sure I’m brave enough (or good enough at art) but might work for some of you!

36 Comments

  • CrazyKnickers says:

    I am a chunky monkey, I’m really very body conscious and I don’t like being looked at and judged by strangers, I am incredibly, incredibly shy. But yet I’m sub, a sub on a budget, so I’ll wear stockings for my Sir, but I can’t even really afford properly sexy underwear which fits properly and does all the right things. I’ve often fancied going to a club but I know without a shadow of a doubt I’ll look like the poor relation, I’ll get judged to the moon and back by everyone and I’ll just sit in the corner being miserable and getting upset with myself.

    It’s very at odds about what I’ve always been told about the kink community being open and accepting of everyone. Seemingly it’s for the beautiful people only. Not the pj clad girl who hates dressing up.

    • Girl on the net says:

      “Seemingly it’s for the beautiful people only.”

      =( Yeah, I think often, even though clubs and communities might be really open when you get there, the impression given when looking at certain instructions (and the kind of pictures they select to go on their websites) can really make you feel that only people of a certain body type, with certain kinds of kit, will be accepted. I hope you can find a club near you with a dress code that doesn’t kick you in the wallet – when I talked about this on Twitter I was really pleased to find some that had a more casual dress code, so perhaps there is one near you – they just need to shout about it a bit more. I reckon it’s a pretty key selling point for those clubs that don’t have a strict dress code.

    • Vida says:

      Yup. This stops me in my tracks any time I get inquisitive about what scene there might be where I live.

  • Miss H says:

    I’m a switch now and dont attend events but back when I ID’d only as a sub I was really into ageplay which meant I could very easily get into clubs wearing a onesie >=)

  • Valery North says:

    I’m another who has been put off by the dresscode fetish that fetish clubs have. (Also the fact that there wasn’t one near enough to me to go to, and I’m such an introvert the idea of going sort of freaks me out in terms of socialising pressure.)

    The one club I did go to, the dresscode was “at least one item of fetishwear, or naked, or all black (at our discretion)”. It was only on the last version (all black) that I was able to go.

    I agree that the materials put out tend to promote a certain boy type, but the event I went to, the actual body types on display (either clothed or not) were varied, and tending towards the “plump” end of the range in a lot of cases. I often found the reports later more encouraging (for instance, if I knew what the people writing about their funtimes really looked like) than the club’s official literature.

    Ultimately, though, there’s a lot of other things about fetish club culture that put me off, and that mean I just don’t fit in well. Being introverted, and not a litle shy, don’t help either.

  • Yingtai says:

    Good Lord. Come over to the East Coast, I’ve never been kicked out of anything for wearing T-shirt and trainers. My real home base in Asia is less scruffy but a lot more discreet so it’s standard party clothes. Sigh, one day I’ll wear those again when my health stops insisting on trainers.

    On a less practical note, thank you for laying out both sides of the issue so fairly. My idea of dressing up these days is an ironed T-shirt, so it never occurred to me that there was actually some advantage to fetish dress codes.

  • D. says:

    Imaginarium is a medium-small fetish/rave crossover event that I like a lot. Amazing heavy-duty drum n bass music on the main dancefloor, which isn’t for everyone, but most definitely is for me! I really miss the days when TG used to have good dance music… sexy clothes and sexy play is great, but you can’t fuck all night. Well, I can’t. :-P

    Anyway, Imaginarium has a running over-arching theme (sci-fi) plus per-event themes (last one was ‘Stargate/Egyptian’), and you’re welcome to go for any combination of the running theme, event theme, and general fetish-wear. So it’s normally a fun mix between fancy-dress and fetish outfits, which I realise sounds like a horrible reinforcement of the point you just made above, but in practice there’s always a decent range of effort levels from the non-intimidating ‘made a cursory effort’ to ‘wtf how much time and/or money did you spend on that’ (generally performers and similar), and nobody is judging you by which end of the scale you fall at. Personally I’m always right down at the ‘cursory effort’ end (by which I mean ‘wearing a black kilt, trainers, and not a lot else’), partly because there aren’t as many easy ‘sexy’ tweaks to male outfits, but mostly because I’m too disorganised to put something better together.

    Their next event is in March, the theme is ‘Punk’. For some reason (*cough*goth*cough*) I would confidently bet that you’ve got something comfy and yet sexy in your wardrobe that’d go with that particular theme. Lingerie and a leather biker jacket? :-)

    (Don’t ask me what the intersection of ‘sci-fi’ and ‘punk’ is. I’m looking forward to finding out myself. I’m guessing there will be LEDs involved.)

    (Reading it back this comment sounds a lot like an advert, so, declaring my interests; I didn’t know them when they started the club, but I have since then got to know and like the guys who run it, along with many of the people who work at it, just from attending regularly and having a great time. I would be very sad to miss one of their events, and I push them on other people at every opportunity. But I don’t work for them and I’ve never been paid by them.) :-)

    • D. says:

      Oh, one particular note re. Imaginarium; because it’s a rave, the outfits tend towards practical footwear for dancing in… which probably makes a much bigger difference to the comfort levels of women than men, so I thought it was worth pointing out explicitly. More Docs/Para boots/trainers to be seen than sky-high heels, generally speaking. :-)

      • Girl on the net says:

        Ooh yes – that sounds good. Trainer comfort is a massive bonus! And thank you for the Imaginarium tip too – i could probably stretch to punk, if i dust off some older stuff from my wardrobe =)

    • Sean says:

      Sci-fi plus punk is just crying out for cyberpunk – and there’s a lot of fetishistic opportunities there. Some of the early Gibson stories have a hyperrealised primal furry culture – especially Johnny Mnemonic.

  • Tansy says:

    To the “no dress code fetish events” list I would like to add Kinks @ The Attic in Derby. I don’t think they have a website, but searching [email protected] on FetLife will find you them.

  • Z says:

    I used to be a *huge* fan of TG – when I was 15 I discovered their flyers in one of the Camden goth shops and dreamed of being able to visit a place with such an extravagant and pervy dress code. Took me another 3 years before I was old enough to get in and actually save up enough money for a ticket. Continued going to TG for the past few years (totally responsible use of a student loan), but now I’m out of uni and I feel pretty meh about it – the last few events I’ve visited have been pretty lacklustre, precisely because they seem to have stopped paying attention to the dress code so much – so many of the people they let in are just wearing super cheap sex shop body stockings, or in the case of men, just a pair of women’s knickers and trainers. For me the appeal of TG was always to fantasy and beautiful fashion. I totally get that amazing outfits aren’t in most people’s budgets – but then I’m a person who would scrape by and sew my own pieces and hunt down sample sales regularly. There’s always ways around it. Most of the best outfits I’ve seen there weren’t hyper-expensive custom made latex pieces, but obviously DIY jobs – it’s all about the creativity. I’d love to see more fetish themed events that have *stricter* dress codes where people really make an effort to dress up (though ideally with lower ticket prices!).

    One thing I do have to comment on is the inherent sexism that I’ve encountered amongst the door staff and dress codes – men get it way more difficult. The amount of times I’ve had friends rejected on the door because their outfits weren’t ‘fetish’ enough (still creative, just not flashing flesh or rubber/PVC) – yet they’re perfectly happy to let in any girl in skimpy lingerie. There isn’t exactly much choice for men in terms of ‘acceptable’ outfits in the eyes of fetish clubs – seems pretty much limited to latex/military regalia, all of which requires serious investment or might not be something they’re comfortable in.

    • Azkyroth says:

      I totally get that amazing outfits aren’t in most people’s budgets – but then I’m a person who would scrape by and sew my own pieces and hunt down sample sales regularly. There’s always ways around it. Most of the best outfits I’ve seen there weren’t hyper-expensive custom made latex pieces, but obviously DIY jobs – it’s all about the creativity.

      Time is a matter of privilege just like money is. So is manual dexterity, for some people.

    • Captain Smith says:

      Just FYI – on ‘I’d love to see more fetish themed events that have *stricter* dress codes’ – as you may know, venues do exist with stricter dresscodes than TG, such as London’s Club Rub which is latex-only. But obviously there’s a give and take there, as such places are limiting themselves to a smaller number of people, so can never exist on the same scale as TG.

  • Advizor54 says:

    As a completely vanilla (in practice) fan of your website, another barrier to buying all the fun outfit and gear that go along with a kinkster lifestyle is the kids, and friends, and others that wander through your house. I have so little room in my house that I can’t imagine finding somewhere to find space for a kinky wardrobe. I might be able to hide a vibe or two and some lube in my shoe rack, but corsets and leathers and frilly hats aren’t easy to hide. If you invite me to a party where I can dress nice or even formal, i can pull that off because no one things twice about a sharp blue suit or the occasionally rented Tux, but latex stands out when hanging next to a couple of golf shirts and a pair of jeans.

    • Elly says:

      Haha, I know the feeling. I have 3 kids and have always been nervous about them finding the corsets, toys, handcuffs etc. My solution was to buy a large metal toolbox that had a hole for a combination lock. It lives in secret under our bed and whilst it didn’t seem very sexy to start with, it became sexy as I get excited every time my OH leans over the bed mid screw to retrieve something. I always wonder what he’s going to get ;) Something like that could live in the wardrobe amongst the shoes, perhaps?

  • RB says:

    I’ve not been to any fetish clubs or events yet – still working up to it – but the whole ‘come in costume’ aspect troubles me, because I feel like an idiot in stockings and suchlike. I look less natural, one invariably comes off, I don’t have the patience for laces and clips, etc – I’d just rather not bother. I can still look stunning wearing a few more layers but with a hint of revealing cleavage or a short skirt. The “Please always remember that if your outfit wouldn’t turn heads in the street – don’t bother to wear it to Torture Garden” rule just sounds fucking tedious and exclusive. So it’s a relief to know that I’m not alone with it.

  • I’m never likely to (have the guts to) go to a fetish club, but this makes me sad and angry, especially the bit about shoes. When are we going to realise that not all women can wear heels? There’s enough pressure to have amazing shoes in clubs, at weddings, for job interviews … so I totally agree, it would be nice if the fetish community could be a bit more relaxed about it

  • J says:

    Please don’t think that spending lots of money will automatically get you into somewhere like TG. I’ve been going there, on and off, since about 1991 (oh god, I’m that old) and have generally not had much money to spend so I’ve tried to make outfits but, as Z mentioned above, guys actually find this harder. If you’re a girl and prepared to show some flesh, you automagically get let in, guys not so much. Funnily enough, the time I went in my most expensive, kink couture outfit, the door staff reluctantly let me in only because I was with a rather skimpily dressed cute girlfriend. I was wearing a custom Velda Lauda corseted pinstripe waistcoat (that had been an incredibly generous christmas present from said cute girlfriend) , shirt, tie, custom Jed Pheonix pinstripe bondage trousers, big boots, make up and carrying a bag full of toys to play with. I was told I needed to make a bit more effort in future. I guess I just didn’t fit the typical latex-draped kinkster. I almost felt like mentioning to the young lady on the door that I’d probably been attending TG since before she was born but thought the better of it as I actually wanted to get in that night.

    I second D’s suggestion of Imaginarium. I find the music much less to my taste than he does but a large number of my friends attend and that makes it a much more fun night to me.

    Subversion was always one of my favourite nights in London, a very happy friendly crew, wide range of body types, clothing types, always space around the dungeon to watch and enjoy others playing and had a real ‘family’ sort of feel to the place, as did Sweet Torments. I rarely go to TG these days, but if you want to see the very best of fetish fashion, going to the birthday ball really should be on your bucket list, it’s that special, there’s nowhere else like it.

  • Funloving Girl says:

    I love dressing up in latex and going to fetish clubs. Dressing up is part of the fun and makes us both feel super-horny before we even get there. We have spent very little money on our outfits to look the part, you can shop around and improvise very easily. And you really don’t need a perfect body, believe me! But… it really is a sign of a good club to have a dress code. The ones we have been to that let in single men in underwear or weird old guys in white trainers are usually to be avoided!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thanks for your comment, I think it’s crystallised one if the vaguer thoughts I had around fet clubs: is there any other social event where we’d think it acceptable to judge someone because they didn’t happen to be dressed as we’d expect? Like, part of the point of kink as a ‘community’ activity is – surely – to give everyone a place where they feel comfortable with their own selves, whether that be the way they dress, their sexuality, how they talk about it or play, etc.

      While I also understand that some people love the chance to dress up (and that’s ace) I feel like making assumptions about those who don’t runs contrary to the spirit of things. Sure, people in normal clothes might more frequently breach the rules (because – hey! If you didn’t read the dress code you almost certainly didn’t read the behaviour rules!) but I don’t think this is a problem that can be solved by swapping denim for latex – jeans don’t make people behave badly – it’s a question of vetting (if necessary) and communicating the rules. And throwing people out/not letting them in if they don’t abide by them.

      • Funloving Girl says:

        Yes, you are right. It is not the outfits, but the behaviour. Never a problem with couples either (whatever they are wearing or not wearing). Just the men that wander in alone off the street…

      • Captain Smith says:

        “is there any other social event where we’d think it acceptable to judge someone because they didn’t happen to be dressed as we’d expect?”

        Well, yes. A wedding or funeral, for example (traditionally, anyway), or some other event where formalwear is required (going to the opera, perhaps?). I’m not saying it’s nice to judge someone on how they’re dressed, but on the other hand, if an event does specifically ask people to dress a certain way then if they’re going to attend it they ought to make some sort of effort to do so. Particularly if you were invited personally.

        That said, I agree with the premise of this post that dresscodes are over-required in the kink community, and it would be good to have more events and venues without them. It’s a shame that the possible audience for many of these places is limited to the crossover of ‘people who like wearing fetish clothing’ (only a subset of ‘kinky people in general’) and ‘people who can actually afford it’.

        • Girl on the net says:

          Yeah, my bad. I didn’t quite articulate that well enough. Obviously things like e.g. formal events, job interviews, etc – we’ll make a judgment about people’s choices of clothing. I mainly meant that in these kind of social/sexual situations, why on earth would we feel comfortable judging that people in a particular type of outfit will display particular sexual behaviour? In the comment above the assumption there was that guys who turn up in trainers are likely to be ‘weird’ – and I find that pretty harsh. So, like, at a wedding you might judge someone who turned up in jeans, but you probably wouldn’t say ‘oh inevitably that will be the person who gets pissed and starts throwing cake at the bride’ or similar.

          But yeah – that crossover is the main thing that hacks me off.

  • Elly says:

    I’m not a fetish, or a spank me til I cry girl, so these clubs probably (definitely) aren’t my thing. But I’d like to think that there are many different clubs like this that cater for different tastes. I can’t help thinking that if a club is so focussed on what people wear, would that not be what people go for? To marvel at other outfits (therefore, less focussed on the actual spanking/sub Dom aspect?). Exclusive doesn’t mean “good”, in my experience. It’s kinda like food, I guess. You like steak, but are you going to spend $500 on a dress to wear to the “exclusive” restaurant and enjoy a $150 steak any more than going to respectable but not exclusive restaurant?

    I guess though, it’s about the experience, right? If they truly offer something you cannot get anywhere else, maybe get in touch with them and get them to explain the “turning heads” bit. Maybe what they have in mind is different from what it sounds like?

  • Zoe says:

    I too have never been to Torture Garden – same reason – the thought of my outfit being deemed not kinky enough puts me off trying at all.

  • hazelthecrow says:

    I have a proper fetishism for corduroy. I’m not even joking. My beloved rocks his cord trousers; add some tweed and a snuggly jumper I can bury my face in while breathing in the scent of his beard and hair… Oh boy. He likes wearing velvet and can’t stop absent mindedly stroking it. That is also very hot. It’s all about the texture I guess, for both of us. I feel foxy in natural fabrics that make my skin sing. I never Got the latex thing…fair play to those who do, but I defy anyone to tell me that the feel of m. Silk bloomers under loose combats is not sizzling hot. Especially when he know, and I know he knows by the bulge in those filthy gorgeous cords >:)

  • fincon says:

    Nothing substantive to add to what others have said, but just wanted to thank you for this and other posts. Been reading for a while, and follow you on a less anonymous Twitter account – and even commented occasionally, previously – but figured it’s only polite to say ‘thank you’ sometimes.

    Feeling to urge to comment more often, and may well do.

  • Liz W says:

    My experience of kink clubs with dress codes has been that they actually attract more creeps than they keep out (if you’re the kind of person who likes ogling half-naked people, the dress codes provide you with a guaranteed supply of the kind of thing you like), and they provide the door staff with an excellent tool for coercing people into removing more clothing than they’re comfortable with. I no longer attend any event that has one.

  • UnknowableHelper says:

    Do you think a kink club is worth attending if you’re a single (24) male to meet and socialise with other kinksters and possibly widen your social circle?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Sure! You might want to try a munch first though – they’re more casual events, and I think it can often be much easier to meet people in a non-play environment, because there’s less pressure. Or sign up to FetLife and explore what other groups/meetups there are in your area. If you’re a newbie, then getting in touch with the club owners/munch organisers before the event to let them know your new is often a good idea – when I was on the kink scene the people running events were always super-friendly, and could usually arrange some introductions so you don’t feel too daunted by walking into a room and not knowing anyone.

  • thatweirdocinna says:

    Recently I was at an event at a dungeon near me. I was wearing tiny denim shorts, black converse, and a black sports top with a zip going up the middle (which I cheekily unzipped to show off my cleavage). Now, I’m not a small lady, so wearing tiny shorts that showed off my legs and butt was requiring a bit of courage.
    The dungeon’s owner looked at me like she was going to rip my shorts off. She said “What’s underneath those?” To which I replied, confused, “Just underwear.” She proceeds to explain that I was not dressing to the dress code.
    I don’t understand why the kink community dislikes blue denim so much! There were people walking around with *just* underwear on.. (there was one man barefoot, and completely naked, save for his tiny frilly panties)….but heaven forbid I wear tiny denim shorts!
    And if it’s because it’s not black… well, I was at least wearing a black top and shoes…?

    I just felt really down after that, because it took a lot of courage to wear that, only to be told that it wasn’t up to standard.

    I happened to have a black scarf in my bag, so I took the shorts off, and tied the scarf around my waist to cover my underwear.
    The night was not as enjoyable. I’d lost confidence in myself.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Grr, that’s really frustrating, and I think I’d have probably cried or left in that situation – having people scrutinise your clothes like that is really jarring. I’m sorry you had such a crappy experience. And for what it’s worth I think blue denim shorts are seriously fucking sexy. What is it with kinksters hating denim?! I <3 it.

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