OR: The inevitable folly of pretending you like shit just to get people to fuck you
I fucking hate Star Wars. I hate it. I hate it more than any reasonable human could be expected to hate a thing. Are the films themselves shit? Maybe. I have only seen one and a half of them (don’t ask me which ones, I could not give one iota of a toss).
I hate Star Wars because, on numerous occasions, my ignorance of it has stood in the way of me getting laid.
I am a fan of nerdy people. I think they’re hot and I like to fuck them. I would happily take five or six of the nerdiest people I know, lie them in a row on a giant double bed covered in Darth Vader bedsheets, and fuck them until one or other of them awakened the force.
Like Doctor Who, I tried to get into Star Wars because (shameless, shameless, shameless) quite a few nerdy guys I fancied kept talking about it, and I figured that if I wanted to get some geek dick I would need to learn what a Milennium Falcon was. Luckily for me, Doctor Who is really good, so what began as a gentle foray into something (“I like horror so I’ll go in with Weeping Angels and OH MY GOD THIS IS EXCELLENT PLEASE PUT ALL OF IT INTO MY BRAIN”) turned into a pretty long term love affair.
Unluckily for me, Star Wars is a tedious, overhyped shitshower, and Luke Skywalker isn’t even hot.
I have tried, people. I understand that ‘these are not the droids you’re looking for’ and I also know who Han and Leia are (I also know, despite occasionally winding people up, that his name is ‘Han’ not ‘Hans’). I have tried, because I want to smile and laugh along when I meet hot nerds I fancy. But eventually, inevitably, I have to give up and say that I haven’t a fucking clue if Greebo shot first because what is a fucking Greebo and leave me alone and oh God the effort of pretending I know this is knackering.
I suspect other people have done similar things for me: tried to learn the classic Bottom sequence that any true fan can replicate (it starts with ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ and ends with ‘put a bit of sellotape on the fridge’ and if you can recite the whole thing with the passion of a true comedy fan you’re one step closer to the inside of my knickers). Maybe watch a few episodes of Red Dwarf so they know why I love it so. Even, possibly, read the Grant Naylor books so they get a bit more of the backstory. Whatever. We all do odd things sometimes to impress the people we want to fuck, and for me Star Wars is that miserable slog of a mountain of shit that I never want to climb again.
- When I was a youth I played lightsabres with my teenage boyfriend’s little brother, so teenage boyfriend would think I was cool and (hopefully) save me from the ‘fzzzt-whoosh’ tedium and take me to the shed for a fingering.
- When I was nineteen I sat through one and a half of the films (I fell asleep) in the hope that if I made it to the end of the trilogy the guy I was watching with would fuck me when we went to bed.
- Throughout my twenties I did big fake laughs when people I fancied made Star Wars jokes, so they’d think I knew what they were talking about.
- ‘What film shall we watch as a prelude to our Netflix and chilling?’ ‘STAR WARS RETURN OF THE ATTACK JEDI’ – cue actually having to watch the film, then listening to someone talk about all the myriad ways in which the film is good while I smile, when I was wishing to be either on their cock or in a cab home.
- I went to a Star Wars secret cinema thing with some mates and a guy I was shagging, and sat quietly through the film even though I didn’t GET IT and the booze was EXPENSIVE and the cinema was NOT ONE IN WHICH YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH SNOGGING.
- I once discovered a fairly nerdy, semi-secret Star Wars Thing that was apparently a cool place for fans to go. I planned a trip there because the guy I was boning was super into Star Wars and I thought it would be a nice thing to do for him. It would have been if it weren’t for the fact that fucking STAR WARS FANS conspire to make everything shit, and instead of having a romantic trip just the two of us to this awesome secret thing I found, three of his mates insisted on coming too because oh my God he couldn’t possibly keep it to himself.
I’m not saying you’re all awful if you like Star Wars. I’m just saying that I am a fool for spending so long trying to convince my adult self I liked it. My adult self was never going to like it: it’s one of those loves that you have to get into as a kid, like Indiana Jones. I fucking LOVE Indiana Jones, but I wouldn’t try and persuade a thirty-year-old who’d never seen it that it was the best thing since sliced Back To The Future. Indy is, to a modern eye, shit. Of course it’s shit, it was made years ago. The only difference is that with Indiana Jones, they made three truly excellent films with the franchise and then they immediately stopped – never to make another Indy film again, because they knew that to do another one would be to completely shit all over our collective childhoods.
Star Wars requires similar childhood indoctrination. If you loved it as a kid, you probably love it today. If you didn’t, then welcome to my fucking world. Join me in the pub round the corner from the cinema, and while our friends, fuckbuddies and lifelong lovers giggle at in-jokes about ‘the force’ or fucking wookies, we can drink ourselves insensible and admit we’ve got no clue what a cunting Sith is. That’s it, though: I’m done. After a long time spent trying, I have concluded that the only thing that’s good about Star Wars is softcore Storm Trooper porn. I now fully accept the folly of pretending that I like shit just to impress people I fancy.
Fuck you, Star Wars. Fuck you forever and back. Fuck you right to the end of a galaxy far, far away.
I want my fucking life back.