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All the ways in which Star Wars stopped me getting laid

OR: The inevitable folly of pretending you like shit just to get people to fuck you

I fucking hate Star Wars. I hate it. I hate it more than any reasonable human could be expected to hate a thing. Are the films themselves shit? Maybe. I have only seen one and a half of them (don’t ask me which ones, I could not give one iota of a toss).

I hate Star Wars because, on numerous occasions, my ignorance of it has stood in the way of me getting laid.

I am a fan of nerdy people. I think they’re hot and I like to fuck them. I would happily take five or six of the nerdiest people I know, lie them in a row on a giant double bed covered in Darth Vader bedsheets, and fuck them until one or other of them awakened the force.

Like Doctor Who, I tried to get into Star Wars because (shameless, shameless, shameless) quite a few nerdy guys I fancied kept talking about it, and I figured that if I wanted to get some geek dick I would need to learn what a Milennium Falcon was. Luckily for me, Doctor Who is really good, so what began as a gentle foray into something (“I like horror so I’ll go in with Weeping Angels and OH MY GOD THIS IS EXCELLENT PLEASE PUT ALL OF IT INTO MY BRAIN”) turned into a pretty long term love affair.

Unluckily for me, Star Wars is a tedious, overhyped shitshower, and Luke Skywalker isn’t even hot.

I have tried, people. I understand that ‘these are not the droids you’re looking for’ and I also know who Han and Leia are (I also know, despite occasionally winding people up, that his name is ‘Han’ not ‘Hans’). I have tried, because I want to smile and laugh along when I meet hot nerds I fancy. But eventually, inevitably, I have to give up and say that I haven’t a fucking clue if Greebo shot first because what is a fucking Greebo and leave me alone and oh God the effort of pretending I know this is knackering.

I suspect other people have done similar things for me: tried to learn the classic Bottom sequence that any true fan can replicate (it starts with ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ and ends with ‘put a bit of sellotape on the fridge’ and if you can recite the whole thing with the passion of a true comedy fan you’re one step closer to the inside of my knickers). Maybe watch a few episodes of Red Dwarf so they know why I love it so. Even, possibly, read the Grant Naylor books so they get a bit more of the backstory. Whatever. We all do odd things sometimes to impress the people we want to fuck, and for me Star Wars is that miserable slog of a mountain of shit that I never want to climb again.

  • When I was a youth I played lightsabres with my teenage boyfriend’s little brother, so teenage boyfriend would think I was cool and (hopefully) save me from the ‘fzzzt-whoosh’ tedium and take me to the shed for a fingering.
  • When I was nineteen I sat through one and a half of the films (I fell asleep) in the hope that if I made it to the end of the trilogy the guy I was watching with would fuck me when we went to bed.
  • Throughout my twenties I did big fake laughs when people I fancied made Star Wars jokes, so they’d think I knew what they were talking about.
  • ‘What film shall we watch as a prelude to our Netflix and chilling?’ ‘STAR WARS RETURN OF THE ATTACK JEDI’ – cue actually having to watch the film, then listening to someone talk about all the myriad ways in which the film is good while I smile, when I was wishing to be either on their cock or in a cab home.
  • I went to a Star Wars secret cinema thing with some mates and a guy I was shagging, and sat quietly through the film even though I didn’t GET IT and the booze was EXPENSIVE and the cinema was NOT ONE IN WHICH YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH SNOGGING.
  • I once discovered a fairly nerdy, semi-secret Star Wars Thing that was apparently a cool place for fans to go. I planned a trip there because the guy I was boning was super into Star Wars and I thought it would be a nice thing to do for him. It would have been if it weren’t for the fact that fucking STAR WARS FANS conspire to make everything shit, and instead of having a romantic trip just the two of us to this awesome secret thing I found, three of his mates insisted on coming too because oh my God he couldn’t possibly keep it to himself.

I’m not saying you’re all awful if you like Star Wars. I’m just saying that I am a fool for spending so long trying to convince my adult self I liked it. My adult self was never going to like it: it’s one of those loves that you have to get into as a kid, like Indiana Jones. I fucking LOVE Indiana Jones, but I wouldn’t try and persuade a thirty-year-old who’d never seen it that it was the best thing since sliced Back To The Future. Indy is, to a modern eye, shit. Of course it’s shit, it was made years ago. The only difference is that with Indiana Jones, they made three truly excellent films with the franchise and then they immediately stopped – never to make another Indy film again, because they knew that to do another one would be to completely shit all over our collective childhoods.

Star Wars requires similar childhood indoctrination. If you loved it as a kid, you probably love it today. If you didn’t, then welcome to my fucking world. Join me in the pub round the corner from the cinema, and while our friends, fuckbuddies and lifelong lovers giggle at in-jokes about ‘the force’ or fucking wookies, we can drink ourselves insensible and admit we’ve got no clue what a cunting Sith is. That’s it, though: I’m done. After a long time spent trying, I have concluded that the only thing that’s good about Star Wars is softcore Storm Trooper porn. I now fully accept the folly of pretending that I like shit just to impress people I fancy.

Fuck you, Star Wars. Fuck you forever and back. Fuck you right to the end of a galaxy far, far away.

I want my fucking life back.


  • Alex says:

    Dude, never allow anyone to tell you that there’s a 4th Indy film. And the first one, at least, isn’t shit, even now.

  • Gray says:

    I spent 3 yrs pretending to like the sound of music to please my bitch of an ex. Star Trek is better than Star Wars anyway 😀

  • Fred says:

    I don’t like Star Wars either and I fell asleep about a third of the way through the first one.

  • Paul wood says:

    So we’re not mentioning Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

  • I totally understand (although I don’t have the franchise). I had to pretend to be into the Tolkien books more than once :/

    • Girl on the net says:

      OH GOD that’s another one. Luckily no one I’ve loved has been super into it, although someone did recently try and get me to watch The Hobbit. He failed.

  • Molly says:

    I have no fucking clue what a Sith is either….so i will happily join you in the pub, thank you very much!


  • “I would happily take five or six of the nerdiest people I know, lie them in a row on a giant double bed covered in Darth Vader bedsheets, and fuck them until one or other of them awakened the force.”

    I thought I was the only person with this fantasy. Though in my fantasy I make them all wear Darth Vader helmets and say repeatedly: “No, I am your father.”

    I approve of this blog post.

  • Signs says:

    Well I enjoy Star Wars and Red Dwarf and Dr Who and the Sound of Music, But I know nothing about Bottom…

    So I’m not sure where I fit in

    • Molly says:

      We can fix that ;)


      • Girl on the net says:

        Oh God, that’s dangerous, but I would LOVE to know what he thinks! When I’ve shown it to people their reaction has usually been ‘what the fuck?! This is soooo childish.’ But then I have always loved Rik, and will always love him, so he can do no wrong in my eyes.

        • D. says:

          I love Mr Jolly Lives Next Door, but can’t stand Bottom. Which has always confused me, because the personalities of the characters in MJLND are so clearly the fully-realised prototypes for the personalities of the characters in Bottom.

          • Girl on the net says:

            Ah yeah – I think actually pretty much every Rik/Ade production either borrows or foreshadows Richie and Eddie. In my humble opinion, though, Bottom (s1 + 2, good lord not the later live shows or GHP) was the place they pulled it off best. But I might have to rewatch Mr Jolly now, because you have reminded me of it and it’s as good an excuse as any =)

          • D. says:

            Nicholas Bloody Parsons! :-D

  • Nick says:

    You seem to do alright, Star Wars or not….

  • Thiefree says:

    THANK. YOU. I tried to watch all six films for the first time, all in one go, because a cute boy was excited about it. And I wanted him to think I was cool. And finding time to hang out with him was difficult.

    I feel asleep multiple times throughout the original trilogy, earning me less geek cred than if I’d never tried at all.

  • RichardP says:

    I can’t believe we’re sixteen comments in and no one has pointed out that it’s Greedo not Greebo who Han shoots. I thought we were pickier than that.
    On a side note being into Mass Effect got me my first girlfriend as she sat next to me purely because I was wearing an N7 tshirt. Plus Mass Effect is one of the hottest Sci Fi universes, let’s face it this is definitely one of the sexiest images on the Internet.
    Or that might just be my power armour fetish because I find this deeply hot as well.
    Does anyone else get this or is it just me?

  • Daniel says:

    Love this post. * Googles “softcore storm trooper porn *

  • As Freddie Mercury once wrote: “Jaws was never my scene, and I don’t like Star Wars”

    Give me Hitch-hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy every time…


  • Nathan says:

    SW has inspired some decent erotica, eg

  • i love you for the post, and think you are way more of a stand-up citizen than me because you tried to engage it. i did not see the movie, and the backlash has encouraged me to not give in to the pressure!!! several of my friends are into doctor who as well…but i just do not have the ambition. the same way i have no desire to read harry potter…

  • I went to see the Star Wars prequels with Mr. Peaches at the cinema even though I’d never seen the originals. The contrast between the white ships and the darker scenes gave me a horrendous migraine and ruined any chance of having a pleasant evening full stop.

  • John Edwards says:

    Calling him Greebo instead of Greedo does set up a nice Discworld crossover.

  • Tim says:

    Not much of a game, is it?

  • Tom says:

    Ok, Red Dwarf has just put you into an even higher category of respect, I think you’re in a class of your own now! However, I do get Star Wars and my wife is nuts about it and Doctor Who…which I’m not pretending to be interested in! Her mum asked me three questions when I started seeing my wife:
    1.) Do you like Star Wars?
    2.) Do you like Star Trek?
    3.) Do you like Battlestar Galactica?
    I’ve never watched 3, but she was happy with answers to 1&2 so I was in and she said she’d work on number 3, thankfully she hasn’t! However I am taking them all to see the new Star Wars next week!

  • Anon says:

    This is a mild version of how my other half feels about Star Trek.

    The slightest discussion about the merits of any form of Star Trek will lead to an hour long monologue with more hate filled bile than you could er possibly imagine.

    Ironically she doesn’t mind Star Wars…

    At least 7 films is less to watch than 5 series I guess?

  • I was wondering whether or not I might wait for another ten comments and then claim comment number 42 – just ‘cos you’re sure to know what that is the answer to!

  • Coco says:

    Bwahaha…I thought I was the only one who don’t like Star Wars! I’ve NEVER seen any of the movies.

  • Dave says:

    Possibly your best blog post ever. I’d bore you to death with my awesome knowledge of spreadsheets and databases though leaving me to wank into my boxers – pictures of which you’ve had in the past :)

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Judging by the comments, a lot of people are with you on this one. :)

    I do like Star Wars (though I wouldn’t call myself a massive fan), but I suspect you’re right that it’s one of those things that only works for you if you saw it first as a kid. I can’t imagine watching it for the first time at age 30 being anything other than disappointing. (Interesting that you found Doctor Who to be different – there’s arguably more there for adults than mere childhood nostalgia.)

    This raises the question of how much you need to share an interest with someone to have a good relationship with them. To which I guess the honest answer is: not at all, if everything else is good. Although I’m sure we have all at some time pretended to be into stuff to get with people; but if you really hit it off, you don’t actually need interests in common, since you *are* each other’s interests.

    What I think is admirable is indulging your partner’s interest in something when you know you don’t like it yourself, like you did with the ‘semi-secret Star Wars Thing’ here. Now that takes love. It’s a bit like kink in that way…

    Talking of which, Star Wars has of course inspired plenty of hot kinky stuff. See, for instance, the first entry in this list:

  • Hazelthecrow says:

    word. Thankyou x

  • Star wars came out when I was 7 (yes, I am that old). I think I saw it for the first time, when I was 10, on a 14″ black & white portable. Ho hum.

    So far we’ve had Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, HHGTTG and Dr Who. Where, oh where, oh where is Blake’s 7?

    I rest my case…


  • David Lees says:

    I’ll just leave this here: vodka margarine. Had me in stitches.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oh and it’s so close to Christmas Day – the day my family get to recycle all of the jokes from that particular episode =) When I was a kid I used to get at least one sprout in my stocking every year, thanks to Richie.

  • Bodhi says:

    Keep pretending. It’s like making a bit of extra noise in bed – it’s all appreciated.

    This is all so disappointing…

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