What are real men and how can I spot one in the wild?

Image by the genius Stuart F Taylor

Let me tell you something about real men: real men cry. They weep giant, fist-sized tears of misery. They collect them in a bucket, which they’ll later use to drown an angry bear.

Pay attention: it’s important. Because just as we’re told that ‘real women’ have curves, so we’re also spun lines about which men count as ‘real’.

Study the signs, remember them. Then burn your laptop lest this fall into enemy hands.

Real men like football and beer and can tell the difference between a Heineken poured fresh from the bar tap and one that’s been filtered three times through the bushy beard of a lumberjack.

Real men don’t read maps or ask directions, they simply drive in a straight line towards the horizon, smoking Marlboro cigarettes and occasionally shouting ‘WOOOO.’

Real men have man-bags. And man-caves. And man-chairs and tables, in case any spare men pop round for dinner.

Real men pull women. And pork. And tanks.

Not all at the same time, though, because real men can’t multitask and if you ask them to they will implode.

A real man will also pull the emergency cord on the train, then he’ll re-start the train with pocket jump-leads, because he’s handy like that.

If you’re down, a real man will know when to hug you, when to bring you chocolate, and when to vanquish your enemies with a gigantic laser cannon.

Real men call their mothers every weekend.

Real men emerge from their exoskeletons at full moon, so they can bathe their soft internal parts in the gentle moonlight.

Real men engage in awkward banter with their fathers, and it somehow always escalates into full-blown fist-fights over Sunday dinner and Jesus there’s blood in the gravy and it’s Mum’s birthday why must you do this EVERY TIME Steven?!

Real men lift.

Real men lift everything.

Seriously, if it weren’t for real men then everything you’ve ever loved would be on the floor right now because no one would ever have lifted it up. Look at your floor. LOOK AT IT. That beautiful sight is brought to you by men. Real men.

Real men don’t refer to looking after their children as ‘babysitting.’ They call it ‘leveraging biological equity’.

Real men carve turkey left-handed, to impress any passing talent-scouts.

Beef, on the other hand, they carve with their bare fists, while shrieking ‘FEAST ON THIS, PEASANTS!’

Real men can bring any mammal to orgasm within three minutes, using only the tip of their tongue.

They’ll juggle a career, a family, a hobby and also oranges because they’re good at sport.

It is vital that you know these signs. That you can spot the Real Man from the impostor. Because on the day of the Apocalyptic Event, there shall be a battle the like of which you have never seen, and the Real Men will rise up to defend us. They will grasp the shoulders of the impostor men – those men who do not lift and can’t carve turkey and who’ve never owned a tank – and there will be pain and destruction the like of which you have never seen.

If you want protection and comfort and safety, you must learn how to find a Real Man. Curl yourself tight in the crook of his arm and shelter there, safe from the bones and the blood. He will weep, of course, to calm you with his sensitivity. Then he will shed his exoskeleton, dry your tears with his fists, and whisper ‘sssssh’ as the world burns hot around you.

You’ll make sweet, sweet love in what’s left of civilisation.

Then he’ll punch an elephant to death.

I wrote this after a couple of requests that I make a twin for this one: what is a real woman? 

18 Comments

  • test acc says:

    oh shit,
    i carve turkey but it looks like its been attacked by a pack of savage wovles.
    i havn’t lifted in years (i blame having do babysit my kids , no wait i mean leveraging biological equity) and althought i would love to i just don’t own a tank!

    • Real Man says:

      Come the day of the Apocalyptic Event, I will rise to slay you and your Impostor brethren in ways that shall crush your puny…. puniness.

  • Ah well, that’s me fucked then… ;)

    KW

  • m says:

    i fell short from the start, i don’t like football… i’m so confused… am i a fake man??!! ARGH!!!!! i need a magazine to tell me what i am!!!

  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    I’ve always been suspicious of anything that calls itself ‘Real’. Anyone who talks about Real Men is not to be trusted. Much like Real Ale, Real Estate and Real Madrid.

  • You forgot hockey.

    Real men play hockey…

    I am trying to figure out if this is tongue-in-cheek humor, a sarcastic ribbing or a feminist bashing of men in general. I will await the “Real Women” to decide.

  • boyonthenet says:

    Have you ever thought of doing a live QA?

  • Bedgirl says:

    I don’t want to alarm any women over the small pond… but it seems to be at least a european problem…
    This is what happened in a nice small, german town this weekend (DUN DUN DUN):

    I asked my husband nicely if he would be so kind and punch an elephant to death for me.

    He said no.

    I asked again even nicer and he replied that he couldn’t get an elephant for him to punch. I told him that we could leave for the zoo right away and he… well he said that it would be too expensive to punch one dead…after that I asked for a giraffe being punched.. he told me it would be to tall for him.
    It dawned on me then, that I might have caught an “unreal specimen”.

    Finally I gave him one more chance and told him to at least punch a goat.

    He replied that he wasn’t crazy since he’d seen what happens to people who punch goats on “Malcolm in the middle”.

    I caught one, I know it now.

    But I’m dealing, one step at a time… Live goes on… in some moments I still think about joining a self help group or at least write our federal Chancellor Angela about it, maybe she could make it a matter of public interest, cause I don’t want any fellow females to suffer like I did (and she is the most real women who ever lived).

    …today I helplessly punched a plush elephant in a department store… it didn’t help…

    • Girl on the net says:

      I can’t believe he wouldn’t punch an elephant to death for you. He needs to understand that you’re totally worth it. *hugs*

      (ps. your comment made me genuinely laugh out loud, especially because I am now imagining Angela Merkel staring confused at a letter about men and elephants)

    • Real Man says:

      This is very concerning indeed. Please let me know the whereabouts of this Impostor so I might grab him by his shoulders and exact justice upon him.

      Just make sure he’s in a place without too many distractions, I’d rather not be forced to multitask like a woman.

  • The quiet one says:

    Just exactly how do you find a real man? They must be pretty rare? Everything is still on the floor here and the uncarved turkeys are really starting to mount up.

    • Girl on the net says:

      You must wait until the full moon, then perform The Summoning Ceremony.

      • The quiet one says:

        You have to be naked for that? Or does that take all the mystery out of schrodingers muff? Never mind, I’ll bare my tentacles, down some evaporated brandy and hope for the best!

  • Scarlet says:

    I think a real Man should protect his love one strongly and should give love as no one else can give to her partner but yaaa as a girl we all want our partner to be a hot and understanding at the same time.

  • T says:

    Amusing post. I have an alternative list of real man traits. Coeincidently they are also the traits that I posses though that has nothing to do with it and there is definatly no cognative bias getting involved here at all, none, what so ever, not even a little.

    Real men get off on having an ex girlfriend who worked as an escort (prostitute) for the latter part of their relationship. Real men used to get genuinly annoyed when her clients were shit in bed and came far to quickly for my liking. Real men would get off the wall horny when she got the rare client who could actually fuck like a real man, pushed her to her knees and then lodged his dick into her throat. Real men really enjoyed being able to slut shame their girlfriend during sex and think that being able to call a girl “dirty little whore” during forcing his cock into her tight little arsehole and it being legitematly true was really hot.

    Real men really enjoy a girl asking if she can have some vodka as it gives him a chance to say yes… if you kneel over your dog bowl and play with yourself until you squirt. Then depending on how much “mixer” you have provided I will let you lap it, and only lap it, out of your bowl.

    Real men get to know a girl well enough that they trust and understand each other, then he fucks and uses her to the point of tears and sobbing but doesn’t stop until he is satisfied that shes knows she is his, unless she safewords… which she doesn’t :)

    Real men provided hours of physically and emotionally tender aftercare after every play and loves doing it as much as the brutal rapey fucking that came first.

    Real men get their beautiful alternative girl wearing the sluttiest clothes imaginable and then walk with her through the streets of a liberal British city marveling at other mens inability to keep from drooling and feeling smug whilst also being amused at other girls discust at being upstaged. Real men also love it that during this he is point out guys and girls she would propably like to fuck whilist his little publically humiliated slut points out the girls he would propably like to fuck, and usually gets it right.

    Real men are confused when he offers his girlfriend to his mates and they find the suggestion odd, what’s wrong with these fucking weirdos, you can use her right now if you want, fuck sake.

    Real men occassionally find themselves treating other men that are fucking his girlfriend at tools to be used to help make sure he does a good job. He might be straight but apparently dominance doesn’t have the same gender boundaries as sexuality. “Fuck her harder for fucks sake, don’t ask her to suck you just do it! Amatures grrrr”.

    Real men are just as likely to tell the story about the FMF threesome where he couldn’t get it up and spent the entire time using fingers and tongue as any other story because real men are serious but don’t take themselves to seriously

    Real men are dyslexic and apologise for the poor spelling etc in their comments

    Real men quickly learn that MFM threesomes and gangbangs are better than FMF threesomes as doubling up on a sub is more fun than splitting my energy. That said a switch girl doing what she is told tona sub girl, hmmmm possibly.

    Real men don’t try to explain how to use toys “properly” to other dominants because they are not know it all cunts.

    Real men whipe / wash off the bit of shit that they got on their dick without making a scene over it

    Real men talk a girl to orgasm with his only physical contact being the hand on her throat and breath in her ear. Real men are very satisfied by a girl that cums on command.

    Real men are very unlikely to ever get jealous and know how to share. Real men are compersious.

    Real men know that the word “slut” is not derogative and can apply equally to all genders.

    Real men do their level best not to confuse their partners soft or hard limits as this would be a fuckup of epic proportians

    Real men are as emotionally supportive as they are sexually sadistic

    Real men think wearing rubber gloves to make everything feel abusive and invasive is sexy as sin.

    Real men like to fuck a girls throat like he has no concern for her comfort or pleasure at all especially when being threated like that occassionally makes her squirt whilst he does it.

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