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On asking for sex: if you don’t ask, you don’t get

“I didn’t get to shag her.”
“Why did she turn you down?”
“Umm, dude, you did at least ask her, didn’t you?”

How the living fuck do you expect to ever get laid if you don’t ask people for a shag? This is a growing problem. I’ve met men – beautiful, confident men – who’ll umm, and err, and wait until both my hands are inside their trousers before they’ll finally admit that yes, they’re probably going to get laid.

I even once had a guy – a supposedly dominant guy, for the love of Christ – who beat me with a wire coathanger until I cried, stripped me naked then fingered me so vigorously I nearly pissed in his hands, and still – still – had to ask my permission before he gave me the fuck I’d been begging for since we first met.

Part of this is the fault of aggressive, rude, “I’m out of your league” women, who leave some men’s confidence so battered after an approach that it’s surprising they can walk upright. I’ll come to this in another post – people who do this deserve far more of my wrath than I’m willing to give right now.

What’s getting me right now is the weird attitude of the guys who avoid asking for sex. They see sex as a gift that women might deign to give them if they’re just impressive enough, just kind enough, just sexy enough. They feel like they have to earn it. They don’t seem to realise that women often want sex too – just for its own sake.

A woman no more ‘lets you’ have sex with her than you ‘let people’ give you birthday presents.


  • tom says:

    “They see sex as a gift that women might deign to give them if they’re just impressive enough, just kind enough, just sexy enough. They feel like they have to earn it.”

    YES!!! Sex is indeed something the women holds and allows the man to try. Well I am a virgin in his mid-twenties so I have no personal experience regarding this, but you just had so much right in this post. And yes some women are very mean, and that makes it even harder for us guys with little to no self confidence to go for a girl.

  • Steve says:

    Most women get really upset if you ask for sex, after being rejected a heap blokes stop asking. You represent a very small minority of women who are sexpositive and up for being asked. Sure most women would love to be asked – hypothetically – by some A list actor / sports star / super hero / villan / billionaire – but not by an average guy. Not for a get your rocks off fuck with no house and vacation to France thrown in to the request.
    Dance with a lass in the pub, share a joke or three and ask for a fuck – 99/100 times she’ll shot you down.
    You don’t know haw good you have it.
    I know – I fucked a lot of men in my time – I’m not into men mind, but wanting fuck and women being what they are it’s always been easier to go into town (Sydney for me) to a bath house and have anonymous sex with several blokes or cruse a bar and get taken home, you might even ask the guy his name in the morning.
    This is the sex I have had. I have never met a woman who has anything like an interest in that kind of sex but given the chance most blokes are.

  • Anonymous says:

    I agree that GOTN is in minority. Go to any dating website and read the profiles. Ninety percent of the time, women’s profile start, end, or contain a disclaimer about how they are not an easy lay and if a guy is looking for sex, he should just move on to the next one.

  • Grimbeard says:

    Re.”A woman no more ‘lets you’ have sex with her than you ‘let people’ give you birthday presents.” This is a dangerous analogy: people give you birthday presents whether you want them or not, and it is *very* difficult to refuse an unwanted birthday present. However, people generally do want birthday presents even when they protest against them (oh really, you shouldn’t have). By this analogy, a woman generally wants sex, regardless whether she asks for it or protests against it – did Robin Thicke ghost-write this article for you?

    • Girl on the net says:

      I just don’t even know what to say to that. The thing with analogies is that you use them to make a certain point, but they rarely stretch further than that. What you’ve done is taken my analogy about the desirability of sex generally and used it to assert that I’m making a comment about rape. Were I talking about rape (which, by the way, is not what this blog post is about and I’d be gobsmacked if anyone thought it was), I would have used an entirely different analogy to birthday presents.

  • Anon says:

    ‘and still – still – had to ask my permission before he gave me the fuck I’d been begging for since we first met.’

    Eek, no, I always expect someone to ask my permission before they fuck me, whatever we’ve been doing before that point. I’d totally still be asking at that point. (Unless I’d been specifically told by the person that yes, they are up for me putting my dick in them or I have their consent to do what I will unless they’re shouting ‘RED’ in my face.)

    I can see it being a hard one for guys because they are getting a strong message these days (imo, rightly so, because it’s so much better than miscommunication meaning stuff happens that either person wasn’t okay with) that they DO need to ask permission, and the emphasis is on verbal communication, especially just before full intercourse.

    Er.. but then the post if about asking, I guess. Just not asking just before sex..?

    Overall, I agree. The times I’ve said ‘Hey, want to go back to mine for some fun?’ if the flirty/ sexy vibes are there after hanging out with someone and they stand there looking dumbstruck going ‘Err… umm… er… you…? um…’ It literally takes me to say ‘Yes, I am asking if you want to have sex and no is an okay answer as well as yes -smile-‘. This is even when they’ve been making it clear they are attracted / up for it. The idea of sex being some sort of precious flower gift that men have to win from women is so damaging for both. Ergh. Also, I sometimes feel like men expect to have to ‘earn’ it and if I just suggest it, it’s somehow worth less? Just because I don’t want to play games or act coy when I actually just want to fuck too? Lame.

  • Girl on the net says:

    I agree that consent is vital, but I don’t think that ‘permission’ in the strict sense is relevant in this case – as I say, I’d been begging him to fuck me frequently and often since we first met =) The post (and I’m racking my brains because it was written a VERY long time ago) was prompted by a guy who was lamenting to me the fact that girls never wanted to have sex with him, despite the fact that the particular girl he was after at the time was incredibly keen on him, and desperate for him to make a move. It reminded me of times when I’d been quite forward with guys only to have them say “well, I never knew you liked me.”

    Were I to write this post today, with a bit more experience and thought under my belt, I’d probably go for something less gendered, along the lines of “we all need to be a bit more proactive in telling people when we like them.”

    And I couldn’t agree more with your point about ‘earned’ sex, and the fact that sex shouldn’t be seen as a gift women give to men, or something they ‘win’ by persistence. Sex should be a fun thing that we’re all comfortable talking about, asking for, suggesting, and refusing when we don’t want it =)

    • Ingmar says:

      Hi, good points overall. I think you address this aspect in another article, but hey, I think sometimes it might the woman, the one asking, when she wants to.

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