The other day, when I was giving my partner a lazy hand-job in the bath, I realised that although I have watched him wank countless times, I have never fully understood one thing about his masturbation technique: how hard he squeezes. In the process of getting him to show me I learned why they call it the ‘death grip.’
I’ve never been great at hand jobs. Please don’t cry, I have made peace with it. A long time ago a boyfriend told me that a hand job is like a cup of tea: it’s nice when someone else does it for you, but if you want it to be perfect you have to do it yourself. So I have never been under any illusions about my own potential as a hand job provider: even at my best I will never be as good as the person at the other end of the erection.
As a result, when I give what I’ll loosely term a ‘hand job’ (anything from gentle dick strokes to a really vigorous beating-off), I rarely ever intend to make someone come. Sometimes it’s just a warm-up for something which will actually lead to orgasm, and occasionally it’s a directionless, purposeless exploration – I’m just bored and want to grope dick because it feels nice. Dicks are satisfying to squeeze and rub even if you’re not intending to fuck one, and humans are basically monkeys that learned how to gossip, so lazily jerking someone off while watching Taskmaster fulfils the same bonding urge as picking fleas out of each other’s back hair.
Anyway.
Recently, while my partner sat in the bath, I was dicking around with his dick and it occurred to me that although I know a whole heap of detail about the things his cock likes, I hadn’t ever gauged where I compare in terms of pressure. I often ask him about wanking, but I’d never properly explored this one: do I squeeze his cock hard enough?
So I asked him to show me. Hold his hand around mine and squeeze my fist as tight around his dick as he’d usually squeeze when he was masturbating on his own. Then, to perfect my squeeze-tightness, I got him to take his hand away and just tell me ‘more’ or ‘less’ as I squeezed and wanked him off.
Did I measure up?
No.
And not just ‘no’ like it’s written there in tiny letters, this is a much larger and more profound ‘NO!’ The kind of ‘NO’ you’d scream if you realised you’d tossed away a winning lottery ticket. The ‘NO’ of a person whose entire life’s work has been destroyed in a house fire. The kind of ‘NO’ that is accompanied in the movies by a dramatic sting followed by a blank screen and the first credits.
Do I come even a tiny bit close to squeezing his cock hard enough?
Also no.
This time let’s make it a mournful one: the plaintive ‘nooooo’ of someone who wrote a great draft blog post then lost it without backing up.
What I’m saying here, kids, is that he squeezes his dick HARD. I can’t measure it exactly in PSI but to give you an idea, on a good day with a fair wind behind him, I reckon he could probably snap a broom handle.
This is not a sensual hand job. It’s not soft or intricate or complex. It’s a straightforward ‘crush it like you’re turning coal to diamonds’ type affair. A proper death grip hand job, of the kind sex columnists warn you against in case you get used to that level of tightness forever and can no longer find pleasure in a comparatively-loose vagina, bum, mouth or gap in the sofa cushions.
As I mentioned above, I know I am never going to give great hand jobs. As a general rule I have to balance how tightly I squeeze with how long I can wank someone off for: the harder I have to squeeze, the shorter the hand job, because my muscles will give up the ghost and I’ll get cramp in my arm. I have no idea how anyone with a dick manages to do it for long enough to ejaculate, let alone do any fancy shit like edging. But even knowing my own limitations I didn’t expect the A-for-effort hand jobs that I give to fall so woefully short of what my boyfriend actually wants.
It’s not the worst news in the world, though. While it would be easy to beat myself up over my comparatively pathetic attempts to wring joy out of this man’s penis, it’s probably much healthier to accept my own limitations. There are some muscles I just do not have. Others that I have but which have been weakened by years of desk work and no exercise. When you factor in the knowledge that my dude will perform what is essentially hand job training at least twice a day every day for his adult life, it no longer becomes surprising that I can’t achieve the same thing.
Just as sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic, so sufficiently practised masturbation techniques are indistinguishable from superhero strength. And there’s no point trying to compete with fucking Superman.
15 Comments
Dicks are satisfying to squeeze and rub even if you’re not intending to fuck one, and humans are basically monkeys that learned how to gossip, so lazily jerking someone off while watching Taskmaster fulfils the same bonding urge as picking fleas out of each other’s back hair.
Anyway.
^^
This made me giggle out loud =D
I love a good handjob, and my wife was highly skilled in providing them. I’ve seen posts in sex forums where guys say they really hate them and would prefer not to have them, but I think they’re missing out on one of life’s great pleasures possibly because they’ve never communicated their desires to their partner. And no, it’s not the same as doing it yourself, but then I don’t want it to be.
In the early days, before we started fucking, the objective definitely WAS to make me jizz, at least it was for me. Once we’d begun fucking, it was usually foreplay to get me hard and excited for the main event, and occasionally to finish me off if she’d come and I was taking to long to achieve lift-off myself.
So, what was my ideal handjob? It was never a quick ‘cock out behind the bike sheds and jerk away as fast as possible,’ kind of event, like pumping up a bike tyre, which is what the guys who didn’t like them seemed to be getting. The best handjobs were only achieved once I’d moved in to my first home of my own, so we could get naked together and take our time to enjoy whatever it was we were doing. I only had a single bed and I’d be lying on my back and my gf would be on my left side, with her legs wrapped around my thigh so she could rub herself against me to get some pleasure herself, while working on me with her left hand and I could play with her tits with my right. It never occurred to me that as she was right handed, she should have been on the other side and she did a great job with her left hand.
Anyway, her technique would be just light stroking, varying from around and under my balls, to along my dick, until I got a decent level of erection and then she’d vary from getting a slightly tighter grip and regular wanking action, to going back to the lightest stroking when her hand or forearm began to ache. Basically edging, I guess, though I don’t think that term was in use all that time ago.
Once she’d worked out how to jerk me without the aches and pains, she spent quite some time having fun teasing me and perfecting her techniques. One that drove me fucking nuts was ‘spider fingers,’ where she’d put her hand in a kind of pencil grip shape and run her fingertips over the head and up and down the shaft with the lightest touch. But the one that really blew my mind was when I was really hard and she’d just circle her palm around the head, again very lightly. The first time she did it, it was like I’d gone into a hypnotic trance. I felt like I was right on the edge of blowing my load, but she just held me there for what seemed like an eternity, slowly rotating her palm and listening to me holding my breath. Then she’d either ease off, if she didn’t want me to come because we were going to fuck, or finish me off with a few jerks.
I did tell her never to grip it really hard and never to speed up when she knew I was close to coming, even if I begged her to do so, because the agony was so delicious that I didn’t want it to end too quickly, and when I finally blew, it was mind blowingly good. A light touch was definitely the best technique for my enjoyment.
Holy mother of Christ. I’ll be in my bunk.
Ohh God, me also!
That’s always how I’ve done mine to male partners, if even add fingertip strokes that go the full length of my forearm for an even more sustained pleasure. And different partners preferred different things, one liked one hand gripping the base like a cock ring, another liked the vein on the underside rubbed between my fingers.
They’re a pleasure to experience together
Banquo54 should write a guest post. This is lovely and hot and perfectly described.
Seconded! Banquo seriously this comment made my day – there’s a brilliant level of detail which immediately makes me want to go do some of this stuff, and it’s stunningly hot as well. If you’d ever like to write a guest post my door is always open! http://www.girlonthenet.com/guest-blogs
I had thought about maybe submitting a guest blog, which could lead to perhaps a series of items from my sexual ‘awakening’ through to the present day, which covers around 50 years. There’s still a bit of lead in my pencil.
Brb forwarding this to my partners
Nice
I’m not good at wanking myself. I’m.. mechanical and goal-oriented about it. I’ve talked it over in therapy, for real. Anyways, I honest to god enjoy it tons more when my girlfriend does it to me. She’s more skilled than I am, and she’s got more patience.
But as I said, this speaks more about me than it does about her
I loved your post and I like the line “crush it like you’re turning coal to diamonds” very much. I also couldn’t give a perfect handjob to my partner but day by day learning about his feelings about him. What kind of hand pressure he needs, what kind of speed of motion he needs etc.
GOTN! You can be really funny. I am reminded of times gone past. My girlfriend of long ago decided out of the blue that she wanted to give me a hand job from start to finish. Before this she had never mentioned it or paid much attention to ‘Little Phil’ at all. She would allow no help or even suggestions. I wanted to put my left hand down the front of her pants, but after about ten seconds it was back to wanting to do the job with no help from me of any kind. It was like she was on a mission and I guess she was. The best part of the whole ‘job’ was when I finally came after about forty five minutes (yes, 45 min.) she was Really EXCITED. “I knew it, I knew it”! “I knew I could do it all by myself” and she was more excited about it than I had maybe ever seen her. She never did it again. Forty five minutes is a long time and I should have probably encouraged her and ask to help her out a bit! I was young and dumb. Now I am old and dumb.
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and I don’t think I’ve had more than 5 start to finish handjobs in all those years (and those 5 were a long time ago). We’re a couple that usually gets down at least 3-4 times a week. Usually if she’s giving me a handjob it’s as foreplay and/or during a blowjob. When I think of a handjob, my thoughts go back to high school and college, girls I barely knew, a girlfriend I broke up with but who became a “friend with benefits”…… Anyway, inspired by this post, I asked my wife to give me a handjob a few nights ago. She looked and me and, with a smile, said, “really?” The equivalent would have been me fingering her to orgasm (not done that in forever either). So she went right to work, at first using just her hand and trying to add in a blowjob element (which I rebuffed as this needed to be a dedicated handjob) and then eventually adding some Astroglide to the mix (our favorite lube). It was amazing. She worked me so skillfully. We’re in our mid-40s and this handjob brought me back to years long gone–I felt like a teenage boy hoping my mom wasn’t gonna walk in. “Are you sure this is all you want?” she asked as I was getting reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally close to cumming. “Yeah,” I whimpered. “OK!” she replied. Looking down at her lubed up hand working my 7 inches up and down, I was so fucking turned on. Finally, I came. The cum shot out of me and actually hit me in the neck. She kept working away and finally milked every drop out of me. It was so hot. In case you’re wondering, it didn’t end there. I returned the favor to her (but with my tongue) and then we fucked. The moral to the story: Even if you’re getting it every way you want/wish and it’s good, handjobs still have their place!
This is such a hot comment. I love that you have both rediscovered the joy of hand jobs, and I double-love that you came to share the hotness with us! <3
PS I am a sucker for literally any sex story in which someone *whimpers* with a need to come. Hot.