Getting head from a dominant guy

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

I sometimes struggle with getting head – finding it hard to get out of my comfort zone when I don’t feel any element of my own submission. But when he tells me ‘I want to taste you,’ it is not submissive. He’s not begging me for a lick that I may or may not deign to give him: he’s issuing a command. In the same way as he’s issuing a command if he tells me ‘bend over’ or ‘take off your knickers’ or – holy fuck this happened recently and it still makes me so horny I squirm – ‘squeeze that cock.’ Uttered in a breathless rush just before the grunt as he comes.

When he tells me ‘I want to taste you’, it is not submissive.

It’s part request (because of course – of course – in this game no fun is ever compulsory) and it’s also partly a challenge. Can I hold still, lie back, spread my legs and let him bury his face in my cunt without crying out and begging to swap the kissing for a fuck?

I’m not usually a fan of getting head. For a number of reasons – I suspect partly because the first time a guy did it to me, he licked half-heartedly for a few minutes before sitting up to tell me he didn’t like it. Partly because others never did it in a way that made me come. Mostly because I am greedy for the other stuff: his cock inside me and his hands all over me as he pins me down and whispers ‘ssssh’ into my ear. The pre-fuck writhing while he eats me out feels like a test of my patience.

But I do it. Not always – occasionally. Just when he’s got the fire in his eyes and a specific craving: ‘I want to taste you.’

In those moments I can lie back and love it. Initial gritted teeth and awkwardness gives way to a rush of desire. Not for the act, but for the atmosphere. The act itself has always been the same: it feels quite nice but rarely spectacular. Sometimes it’s awesome, sometimes just OK, depending on who’s doing it and how eagerly they nuzzle and suck. But it’s not enough – it doesn’t scratch any of my specific itches.

The atmosphere, though? That’s amazing. The feeling that I’m there as something for him to sample and play with, using his tongue and lips to taste me. Rubbing his face right up against my cunt until he’s smeared with juice, smacking his lips and mumbling that I’m a really good girl.

Yeah, that works.

Getting head as a submissive

I’m writing this blog as a response to the Kink of the Week prompt – each week Molly (who blogs at MollysDailyKiss) offers up a kink and bloggers write their own takes on it. This one was ‘cunnilingus’, and one of the things she said in her prompt was this:

“What about cunnilingus within a D/s dynamic? Would love to get some thoughts on how this works within such a relationship dynamic from both dommes/tops and bottoms/subs of both genders? Do you prescribe to the idea that licking pussy is inherently a submissive act and so as a Dom(me) you do not do it?”

I’m not surprised that some people feel giving head is a submissive thing to do, after all most of the time when I do it it’s done as worship, or because I want to be used. But it doesn’t always have to be that way – you can easily be dominant when your face is buried in someone’s crotch. I’ve also had a few debates with people about whether giving blow jobs is ‘unfeminist’ because it involves submitting to a guy who’s shagging you in the face. Obviously I disagree – I don’t think any sex act could be inherently dominant or inherently submissive, because it’s all about the atmosphere in which it’s done.

In the right context, I can be in a position of total power over someone even as they’re beating me with a belt. And, of course, I can be squirming with a sense of submissive humiliation even as they’re worshipping my cunt.

What’s more, my slight squeamishness about getting head makes for an excellent power play. It’s an odd mental block, my dislike of oral, and I really like having it challenged. Even if my toes curl. Even if I feel a bit cold and exposed. Even if I know that I’m not going to come from it this time: I like the challenge.

Best of all, though, I like the way he grips my thighs, digging his hands in to remind me that he’s in control. I like the way he sucks at me, pushing his whole face hard up against my clit, as if he’s trying to get as much of me as possible. I love how hard it makes him to do it, and how hard he fucks me afterwards, as a treat for staying still and being good.

I love that when he brings his face up close to mine, he tells me to lick him clean. He likes the taste of me, and he wants me to taste it too.

Check out what other bloggers had to say about cunnilingus. 


  • Lacrymology says:

    I will say, I’m really really proud of my tongue. Like REALLY. If I had to choose between losing my tongue and my cock sexually I wouldn’t have to think for too long

  • Lise says:

    Totally in sync with you on the power of the Dominant going down on me. Hold me down, threaten me with punishment, force me to wait and wait and waiiiiiiiiiiitt until I’m a wreck of jangling sensations. So many ways to torment me while getting a taste And like you, the early disappointment of guys who weren’t fans put me off the whole thing, and I don’t come usually, without the added plus of dominance and roughness and command. Loverly post. Glad to be among friends here!

  • Jane says:

    Do you know, the more KOTW posts I read on this topic, the more my belief in the importance of cunnilingus context (for want of a better way of putting it) is affirmed. I totally agree that the act can be both dominant or submissive, although for me, personally, it only works if I’m in the one in the submissive role and that positioning is strongly enforced by my partner. Or, alternatively, things other than his lips/tongue/mouth are involved. I just can’t get that excited by the last three things on their own.

    Great piece.


  • Love that post, but mystified. I’ve always come easily and always far faster from cunnilingus than any other stimulation. That wasn’t true when I was in my teens. It was more foreplay then, but as I got older it regularly became one of several main events. If my partner could make me come with oral sex I was then fairly certain to come at least twice more. Once almost immediately on penetration and again later. In perfect situations when he did, too, but that can’t ever be guaranteed.

    I love receiving head and always will.

    • Girl on the net says:

      I think it just comes down to ‘everyone’s different’ – like I understand why people love it, and I can see how it’s amazing and orgasmic, but it’s not always my thing: we all have our own kinks, innit.

  • RB says:

    This topic across the sex blogs has got me involved in some really interesting “me too!” conversations this week, and this is another one. HOT. I think I enjoy oral a little more than this but it doesn’t really tip me over the edge, or at least only rarely – I prefer fingers or being fucked or treated with a little more force. But when someone grabs you and pulls you down the bed, wrapping their arms around your legs so they’re totally in control…fuck. Yes.

  • Amy says:

    I understand that the major point of this piece was to challenge whether you deem oral sex inherently more submissive or dominant – which I found intriguing. But what rang true for me was that receiving oral sex isn’t one of your favorite things! As such an open, sexual personal it was nice to hear that something that seemingly should be so wonderful, often just falls flat. It’s good, it’s just not great.

  • Yanish93 says:

    Nice perspective, nice expression, you bring it out in such a smooth yet striking way and it just is a rather delightful thing to see the ease with which you voice out sexuality, dominance and play. In my country, most people are rather reluctant to talk about their sex lives or just sex as it is and I think it’s sad! One should live and breathe his or her sexuality and impose no barrier to this wonderful thing that connects two beings and make them one.

    Your writing comes as an answer to my blog ‘SEXitUP’ ( where I write about how people have made sex taboo in my country. The majority of the population being of asian descent; including me, I find my surrounded by people with a conservative view and mindset vis-a-vis sex and sexual life or the purpose and application of sex. When I read what you wrote, I felt a breeze finally dusting away barriers, taboos and hesitations.

    Also, you being female (I’m gonna give you that despite knowing a libertine female online can be a real-life male trucker), I joke, this changes my view on the wole ‘write about sex’ thing. You are the voice to bring up and out matters regarding sex, sexual freedom, the casualness of sex and how this magnificent bond just adds this little extra zing to life.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hey Yanish – and welcome to the sex blogging world =) I’ve checked out your blog and I’m looking forward to reading more of it – I think it’s great to tackle taboos and it’s brilliant that you’re helping to write more about sex to try and get rid of the barriers that have made sex taboo in your country. Best of luck with it, and if you ever fancy writing a guest blog for me please do pitch me something =)

      I have a teeny request though – I know you’re joking when you say that I might be a ‘real-life male trucker’ but please don’t repeat this. In the time I’ve been blogging I’ve had quite a few people make this joke, or even ask with genuine sincerity if I’m a man. It’s frustrating because the whole point of my blogging is to say that sex *isn’t* just something that men are interested in. As I say, I appreciate that it’s a joke, it’s just it doesn’t help my cause b much! Thank you for commenting though, and I’m delighted that you’re joining in! x

  • sub-Bee says:

    I thought I was alone in thing receiving oral was just…well, ok. It’s great to hear that isn’t the case at all, it’s just one tool that can be used in a huge variety. I’m also in agreement that being on your knees in front of someone is not a submissive act, giving someone pleasure isn’t submission for, if anything the reverse is true, someone giving me oral they’re dominating me!

  • Molly says:

    This topic has been fascinating. So many woman seem to have written such similar thoughts on the subject. Like you, I always found the whole thing a bit meh until I met Michael and he twisted the whole thing round on me, like he so often does. As you said, it is about the ‘taking’ being over powered, the fingers digging in, the control etc that makes it hot for me and dam it but I totally forgot to mention the kissing my juices of his face afterwards…. rwoar!!!!

    Thank you for joining in with Kink of the Week and I hope that you will enjoy the next topic too


    • Girl on the net says:

      I totally loved your blog on it Molly! It’s strange that something which can be so ‘meh’ in some circumstances can be smoking hot in others. x

  • I think, for me, it’s just one of those things I love doing. Why do I love it? No idea, you’d be as well asking me why I love strong coffee, or a eating a good meal.

    It’s possibly a sense thing. The combination of taste, smell, sound, feeling; all feeding back to heighten the experience. The more appreciative she is, the longer and deeper her moans become, the wet she gets and the richer the flavour of her juices become as she approaches orgasm, all seem to tap into my own pleasure centres, making it as much a pleasure for me.

    Having said that, I am very “task orientated” for the want of a better term, and for me it is almost never something to be done in a perfunctory, “thank you for sucking my cock, can we get this over with and fuck?” sort of way. It is an act in its own right, in the same way that penetration is also an individual act in an overall performance. Each act (or movement if you are of a classical music persuasion) blends together, each separate, but each combining to a greater whole.

    Having re-read that last paragraph, I realise that I sound like some sort of new-age, pretentious twat, but it does make sense to me.

    As I said in my own post, Fine Dining, when I’m face down between a woman’s thighs, that’s really all I’m concentrating on. I’m not in a rush to get it out of the way, I’m in no hurry to move on to whatever comes next; I’m simply enjoying what I’m doing and, the more she enjoys it, the more I do too.

    As for how long is long enough to spend with your face buried in your partner’s private parts; there are possibly several wrong answers, but there is no single right one. The important thing is that both parties are enjoying it. If, like anything, you’re doing it just for the hell of it, or because you think you should be doing it, then you are almost certainly doing it for the wrong reason, and that has to transmit itself to the person on the other end.

    Finally, for what it’s worth, I identify as Dominant and I agree, going down on a woman can, in the right dynamic, still be a very dominant act. She is opening up to me, offering herself to me, putting her pleasure in my hands (or mouth, to be strictly accurate in this case), and I am taking my pleasure from her, controlling her. The power over her orgasm is still mine to grant or deny, just the same as it is in any D/s situation.

    I guess, all I’ve really managed to say in my own long-winded and rambling way is that the reason I love going down on a woman is because I love going down on a woman. Hopefully the woman in question loves receiving my attentions as much as I love giving them.


  • Beck says:

    I love being told “I want to taste you.” Brilliant post.

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