Girl on the Net

I’m dating again. Not with great gusto so far, and my most promising dating opportunities are ones that sit outside the swipe-focused stuff anyway. But I am having a go with a few different dating apps to see if there are any that don’t make me want to chuck my phone in the Thames. This time, I’m giving myself side quests to try and avoid the malaise that characterised my last go on this merry-go-round. The problem isn’t always down to other users, to be honest, although inevitably it’s annoying to be greeted with a bunch of likes and messages from guys who have clearly not looked at a single word of my profile, seeing only my pictures and thinking ‘eh, she’ll do‘ then firing off a lazy-ass ‘hey.’ The bigger problem these days is the rampant capitalist hellscape of apps that tempt you in with the promise of connection then demand you open your wallet if you want to actually talk. But still. We’re doing this. And part of ‘doing this’ in a way that makes it fun means allowing myself to write about the experience. That way, when aspects of the dating journey annoy me, rather than curl up and weep in a corner I can roll my eyes and remind myself that at least it’ll make good content. So. Here goes: four reasons I will instantly swipe left.

Note, as always, that like most of my other dating advice articles, this one is tediously straight. 

Shirtless ab pics/Pictures in which you look angry

I find these frightening and aggressive. Perhaps they appeal to a particular type of person, and the men who include them are deliberately targeting that person rather than me. In which case, good for them. A dating profile that’s designed to hone in on ‘individuals who’ll be interested in you specifically’ is a great thing to have. I’ve said before, when giving advice on how to write the best online dating profile, that you shouldn’t be casting your net as wide as possible to attract plenty of fish, instead you should know the type of fish you want and laser-target your images and words to catch that particular one.

I’m doubtful that there are as many women who want men like this as there are dudes who offer it, though. Maybe there are girls out there dreaming of a man who stares them down like he’s about to start an argument, but I’ve not met many. I’m reminded of a conversation with my good pal Jess a while ago, when we were discussing the shirtless pics/no-smile selfies phenomenon: both of us agreed that we’d far rather see a picture of someone smiling in a nice cuddly jumper than fronting up while flexing all their muscles. She explained that:

“When a man wants to show off how muscular and strong he is, all I can think is ‘will he overpower me?’ and that’s frightening. I don’t want to be looking at a potential date and wondering if I could physically escape.”

Which is a good point. I feel a little of this too, to be honest. Although I’m probably just as likely to get attacked by a man in a jumper as a man in the gym, something about men who feel they have to prove their power and strength before ‘winning’ a date turns me off. What’s more, I live in fear of accidentally dating someone who’s obsessed with the gym. I deliberately don’t mention fitness on my own profile, in case I start getting matched with loads of dudes who live part-time at the squat racks. I too enjoy doing powerful things with my body, but ‘goes to the gym’ is not a personality.

Even without the gym selfies, though, the ‘not smiling’ problem seems pretty widespread. So many men have primary profile pictures which feature them scowling or glaring down the lens. Why would I start a conversation with someone who seems like they’re about to tell me off? You don’t look moody and mysterious, you just look like you’re Mad At Me.

“I’m not in this to be pen pals/Only message if you actually want to meet”

Same here, my dudes. None of us want to be pen pals. I have been told that men experience more by way of fraudulent interactions on dating sites, so I understand the frustration if you’ve had a lot of conversations that end up in a crypto scam. The problem is, these notes on your profile won’t put off the actual scammers, but they’ll definitely put off genuine people like me.

If you’re talking to a real woman, chances are she does actually want to go on a date! She wants to find someone who’s interested in her, curious about the things she’s put on her profile, and with whom she feels a little spark of compatibility or interest. These things don’t just appear out of thin air, though, and they rarely appear off the back of dating profiles in the year 2026 which are (in my opinion) far too short to give a decent idea of whether we’ll get on.

So what can we do? Put a bit of effort in! Chat back and forth, ask each other questions, then if we’re feeling it we go on a date. If you have something on your profile that says: ‘I don’t want to message too much’, what I hear is ‘I don’t want to make an effort’ and that’s not attractive.

You can’t connect with someone by bypassing the means of connection.

Remember, too, the old saying: men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them. It’s a horrible thing to be reminded of when you’re dating, so I’m sorry to bring it up and harsh your buzz. But I have to think about it quite a lot, and I don’t just get to pretend it isn’t a horrible truth about the world I live in. Women who date men are statistically more likely to be killed by our romantic partners than by anyone else, so when I’m dating, I am essentially auditioning you for the position of ‘guy most likely to murder me’. I try not to keep it at the forefront of my mind, because that way leads to bitterness, but I’ve gotta do some basic checks, I just have to. You can rail against it if you like, ignore it if you want to, but it won’t make the blindest bit of difference – I will keep doing it anyway. Your ego is less important than my life.

If you really hate messaging, I am honestly on your side here. I hate it too. I preferred online dating back in the early 2010s when OKCupid wasn’t shit and we all used the web interface, so you could naturally send much longer messages – email-style, sitting at a keyboard – unlike the current crop of apps that encourage text-style communication. If you really hate messaging back and forth, I’d recommend you avoid mentioning that in your profile, do a little messaging to establish rapport/interest, then ask if the other person is up for a chat on the phone. I know that makes me sound old. I don’t care. Let the Zoomers send peach emojis back and forth if that gets their rocks off, I’d rather have a phone call and save us both some time.

Pictures of your kids

Please do not post pictures of your kids on your dating profile.

Mention your children by all means, but including photos of them (even if you’ve covered their faces) is bizarre. I’m not dating your kids, you don’t need to show them to me. I believe that you have them, I don’t require proof.

On top of all this, there’s a huge consent issue. The pictures you put on your dating profile are essentially bait to catch a partner. Can your children meaningfully consent to being used in that way? And even if they could (and did), how would you go about making that clear to potential matches? Just don’t post your kids at all. There is no conceivable need to do it.

Men over 40 who ‘don’t know’ whether they want kids

There are men over 40 who really want children, and there is no shame in being one of them. It is possible that you have wanted children for a long time, and circumstances have not yet conspired to help you achieve your dreams of fatherhood. You have a shitload of my sympathy if you’re in this position, and if you tick ‘wants kids’ – no matter your age – I wish you the best of luck and hope you get what you’re looking for.

Those aren’t the men I’m talking about here.

I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t want kids when you’re over a certain age – there’s no age limit on wanting, and it may be possible for you to become a biological dad much later in life than it would be possible for me to become a mum. I’m talking not about the guys who want, but the guys who don’t yet know. 

Who ARE you? What exactly is the thinking behind this? How is it possible that you have lived on this planet for four decades and you still aren’t sure? Not only that, but you’re actively setting out on a journey of discovery to try and meet someone with whom you’d like to build a life, but you haven’t imagined whether that life will include something as seismic as… literally creating new people?

If you’re a man over 40 and you have ‘not sure’ ticked about kids on your dating profile, I would absolutely love to know why. Fill me in. I’ve tried so hard to imagine what those reasons could be but all I can come up with is:

You don’t want to narrow your potential pool of partners to only women who ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ so you tick ‘don’t know’ in the hope that a wider net will bring success. If this is the case, then STOP IT oh my god. Women like me who definitely don’t want kids will be worried – what if we spend time building a relationship with you then you decide to run off with a twenty-something just so you can start the family you’ve secretly craved all along? Women who do want kids will avoid you like the plague too, because if they’re close to you in age their time’s running out and they won’t want to waste it on someone who isn’t sure.

You genuinely have never considered this issue. Your life has been weirdly devoid of any friends, coworkers or siblings who’ve had kids, and therefore the question has just never crossed your mind at all. If this is the case then… surely you’d at least give it cursory consideration before ticking the relevant box on a dating site? It’s a matter of basic respect to the women you’re looking to date. For any woman who hopes to have a family – an equal family, where both of you put in your fair share of household labour and childcare – you being ‘unsure’ is a gigantic red flag. It suggests you haven’t thought through any of the significant, life-altering consequences of having a child, or that you’ve considered the possibility and decided that children won’t really alter your life that much because you don’t intend to contribute much energy to raising them, so you’ll dump that decision (as well as all its outcomes) in the lap of your future partner.

You don’t want to imply that you wouldn’t date someone who is already a parent. This is the only legit reason I can think of. I’m in the same boat personally, in that I’d happily date someone who already had children, I just don’t want to take responsibility for any of my own. If that’s the case with you, tick ‘no’ on kids and just make sure that you’re proactively messaging compliments/curiosity/questions to any single parent profiles that catch your attention – that’s what I do. Alternatively, put this information in the text portion of your dating profile. Most of you only ever put a few words there anyway, so there’s plenty of room.

Instant swipe right?

I’ve been negative throughout all of this, so I should end on a positive. The above things will make me instantly swipe left, though I stress that you only need to care about that if you want to date someone like me. If you’re interested in a woman who loves abs and passive-aggression and has also never encountered the concept of ‘children’, you do you with my blessing.

But here’s something that – as long as the rest of your profile is normal – will instantly make me swipe right. In fact, because I rarely ever swipe right without just firing off a message as well, this will get you a ‘like’ and a message from whichever hot slag in your neighbourhood is the equivalent of me. Ready?

A joke.

Literally any joke. It doesn’t need to make me laugh out loud, just crack a smile or something. Obviously it shouldn’t be mean-spirited or bitter, just something light that shows a little of the kind of thing you find funny. If I can see that you’ve approached dating with a hint of vulnerability, and a playful personality? You’re head and shoulders above the rest.

Roughly one in every fifty profiles I’ve scrolled past recently contains a joke.

The odds are absolutely in your favour.