Things that aren’t horny but totally feel horny

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Sometimes I wonder if I’m horny or if life just deals out a bunch of sensations that kind of feel horny even though they’re not technically stimulating the sexy bits. In no particular order (and with an invitation to add your own in the comments), here are some things that aren’t horny but feel horny. You’ll get what I mean.

  • Popping your thumb through a brand new coffee seal.
  • Brushing your teeth. Unngh so clean and tingly.
  • Sitting down on something with a satisfying thump (incidentally, the best ‘sitting down with a thump’ can be done on the perfectly solid-yet-sproingy seats on the old trains on the Bakerloo Line).
  • Thwacking a ball exactly in the middle with a baseball/cricket bat.
  • While we’re at it, catching a ball firmly in both hands. Thuck. It stings ever-so-slightly and you’ve caught it perfectly and the physical sensation combined with the competence makes you judder.
  • Sucking an entire jelly shot out of a plastic glass all in one go so it slides into your mouth like sexy butter.
  • Big fat raindrops.
  • Standing with the back of your legs against a hot radiator on a cold night.
  • Picking at the corner of a bit of wallpaper which comes off so easily by the time you finish your rip you have a huge, neat sheet of it.
  • Yanking out one oddly-placed, thick, dark hair.
  • Pummelling warm bread dough.
  • Stepping into a shower that’s at such a perfect temperature, when the water hits the back of your neck it makes you want to piss.
  • Checking your to-do list the end of the day and realising that although there are still things on it that you should care about, absolutely none of them are urgent. And it’s Friday and a mate’s just texted to see if you fancy hanging out and your chest gives you a warm rush and your heart thumps and you realise you’re allowed to go out if you want to, because you’re a grown-up.
  • Turning over a cake tin and having the cake just flump out perfectly.
  • Pressing the ‘sport’ button on an electric car.
  • Cycling over the crest of a hill – that moment when things change from ‘you put the effort in’ to ‘bike takes over’ and you let it swoop you all the way down.
  • One big stone dropped – plunk – in a calm pond.
  • Crushing butter in bare hands to make pastry.
  • Yawning.
  • Fresh cotton sheets.

Pointless blog post, innit? But sometimes life delivers random moments of happiness and horn, even where you least expect them, and today I’m treating myself by luxuriating in these rather than trying to write something deep or porny.

Gimme your ‘things that aren’t horny but feel horny’ in the comments. Or just go pop a fresh coffee jar. Treat yourself.

29 Comments

  • Valery North says:

    Just nodding along with total agreement and pleasure at many of these, knowing exactly what kinds of horny they feel like.

    Especially hitting and catching a ball. People laughed when I said cricket is sexual, but they haven’t felt those pleasures – plus the key materials are willow and leather, how much more kink do you need?!

  • CJ Brook says:

    Last summer we had a new kitchen; but only last week I found that one of the lesser-used cupboards still had the protective film down the inside edge of the door.

    Peeling that off slowly as I made direct eye contact with Mrs Brook was about as sexual as it gets.

  • @GurneyHarlech says:

    When you’re coming to the end of your cycling journey, stepping over the frame so that you’re freewheeling whilst stood on one pedal, counterbalancing by tilting the bike *just so* and braking delicately and smoothly (but with no apparent concentration) to bring the speed down to walking pace so that you can just step off and smoothly transition to a casual walk like it ain’t no thing but inside you’re high fiving the fuck out of yourself.

    Dropping the needle on a record.

    Swirling a bottle when you’re rinsing it to create a vortex and empty it faster.

    Putting on gloves.

    When you’re putting together some IKEA furniture and there are those sort of screw things that lock onto another bit of metal with a quarter turn and the last bit of the turn is stiffer and then you feel it bite and lock into place with a sort of squeeze and release of pressure and they should all do that but they don’t.

    • Girl on the net says:

      That freewheeling thing is something I’ve never managed to get the hang of! I should practice and see if I too can experience this horny-but-not-horny joy! Also unngh yeah those screws are LOVELY

      • Girl on the net says:

        While we’re on the subject of screws etc: dowel jointing something where the dowels slot neatly and perfectly together, exactly as they should <3

  • Molly says:

    Ohhh pealing off the plastic from a new laptop or phone. Those little films etc… just ohhh

    Also bubble wrap…yes I know, an environmental disaster.

    The patterns in the carpet from the vacuum cleaner

    I am sure I have more but those are the ones that spring to mind

    Molly

    • Girl on the net says:

      OMG I had some big bubble wrap I needed to get rid of the other day, so I folded it into as small a bit as possible and then jumped up and down on it. The greatest of joys =)

  • MariaSibylla says:

    Biting into a crisp piece of warm toast slathered in just-melted butter.

    Hanging cool, damp cotton bedsheets outside on the clothesline on a hot, sunny day.

    The crunchy sound of walking on snow when the temp is below freezing and the night is completely silent except for your steps.

  • Chris says:

    Occasions when you have an itchy back and someone you care about gives you a really good back scratch that completely hits the spot are glorious, to the point where I’m going to search to see if people have posted videos of them.

  • Nick says:

    Cutting wrapping paper with scissors and doing that effortless sliiiide thing like a letter opener…
    *ngh*
    When THAT bit of THAT song hits.

    You’ll know the one I mean…

  • @GurneyHarlech says:

    Yes to dowel jointing and anything that just fits perfectly.

    The freewheeling thing takes practice especially if you want to look casually deliberate but aaaaawwwwww yeeeaah.

    How about cutting a tomato with a really sharp knife?

  • Chris says:

    I’ve been thinking about my earlier comment, and a back scratch is arguably part of (or at least related to) massage, and massage can be a form of foreplay, so maybe a back scratch isn’t quite what you’re after. Instead, something different and almost impossibly specific.

    Make a trifle, or some other dessert with things like jelly and custard, in a deep bowl. Set the dessert for a little longer than you’d think in a fridge that’s more like 2-3 Celsius than 4 Celsius. Basically, come up with really fully set jelly and custard filling some depth of a very cold, deep bowl. (Maybe it works with blancmange, or other gelatinous desserts, as well, I don’t know.)

    Cut a segment out starting from the middle, like a slice of pizza. When you scoop some out for the first time, the *sound* that the jelly and custard sometimes makes as it gets detached from the bowl is one of the most wonderfully strangely satisfying things – it’s just not a sound you associate with food, it’s not a sound that I’ve been able to replicate another way. Plus: trifle!

  • Erin says:

    Depression is kicking my ass today and I needed these. 💕

  • A hand of someone you like touching you. Doesn’t have to be sexual – just a touch.

    When you yawn and stretch and something in your body goes “pop”. Audibly.

    I’m very fond of the first time you use a brand new pen on a brand new notebook. Especially if the pen makes a nice, thick, blue line on that pristine, untouched paper. I experienced that today and it was the best part of my week so far.

  • Phillip says:

    Just inside your shoulder blade about two thirds of the way down and almost under the bone is a small spot of pure magic. It takes two and a bit of searching if you don’t really know where it is. I have a friend who became a mesuse and when she first started school she may have sensed a touch of scepticism in my look. She said “take off your shirt and just sit still”. She put her thumb on this little magic spot and twisted it gently. It felt as good as anything I EVER felt and it was just intense and in this one spot. Really ‘magical good’. She said “you liked that did you?”. The end of scepticism!

  • Phillip says:

    Well Maria, the toast and the butter does it for me as well. Maybe with a touch of cinnamon and sugar. There is something that I was indulged in when I was quite young that may well be even better. My grandmother made bread everyday. It was white bread and quite soft and with that stretch of gluten that has fallen from grace. She would cut into the loaf when it was still warm, put lots of butter on it and I would eat it. Big bites that were so good. Then I would cut a piece and put the butter on and eat it. I might eat more and she never said anything about having to make more for her husband. She just watched me eat it. I was the oldest grandchild and her favorite and I think she took a lot of pleasure in just letting me eat without restraint or guilt.

  • simon says:

    waking up from a cheeky 40 winks nap

  • Simon says:

    Here is another: Having one of those good ol’ stretches The luxuriant compulsive types that catches you unawares, that is normally accompanied with a yawn. The one’s that leave you feeling a little loose and and a little light headed.

  • Phil says:

    A reel to reel tape deck playing the big shiny metal 10″ reels at 15 inches per second. Even if I can’t hear the music, just watching it is enough. And if it’s also got the old fashioned needle VU meters rather than the more modern LED type… *swoon*

  • Phil says:

    Oh yes those screws. People slagging off Ikea furniture for a cheap laugh (unclear instructions, bits missing, looks naff etc) is a pet peeve of mine. I’ve had loads of their stuff and without exception it’s been incredibly easy and satisfying to put together, and looks great when it’s done. LOVE Ikea.

  • AJ says:

    When someone (especially of your preferred gender) zips up your backpack while you’re wearing it
    (great post btw)

  • Mark says:

    At work, if you don’t wash out the roller tray after using it, or leave the expensive latex glue with the lid ever so slightly off it’ll form the most exquisite film to peel apart. You can easily lose half an hour just peeling it all back, phwoar.

  • Tipping a bowl of dough upside down and watching it release and fall.
    Cracking the sugar on a perfect creme brulee.
    Biting the chocolate off a malteaser before dissolving the centre on your tongue.
    Ripping clingfilm in a perfect straight line without using the serrated edge.
    Pulling your knickers up and letting go so that they ping perfectly into place with no rearrangement needed.
    The perfect crack of chocolate on a magnum ice cream.
    The perfect pour of any fizzy drink – soft, beer or wine so that the froth builds up but doesn’t go over the edge. It’s a game of chicken with the waste of drink and mess.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ohhhh LOVELY suggestions! I cannot for the life of me remember if I genuinely read this somewhere or just dreamed it but… I’m 90% sure Magnum hired food/sound engineers to specifically help them work out the right amount of chocolate to put on a Magnum to give it that satisfying crack. If I can find the link I’ll add it here, cos WHAT A JOB.

  • Llencelyn says:

    ‘Sexy butter’. I liked that. Got some shoppin’ to do.

  • SwearyPrincess says:

    – playing your favourite song to people and having them enjoy it as much as you
    – the missing half beat between the build up and the drop where all the anticipation peaks
    – discovering there’s a new episode (or series!) of your favourite show you didn’t know about
    – curling up under a weighted blanket
    – solving a tricky coding problem
    – eating hot fresh toast

  • I have curly hair that doesn’t always curl, because water/ hormones/ etc, but when it does, and it forms very large, tight, soft ringlets, which I can slide my finger into and pull on until they sproing… unngghhh. My hair is so fit sometimes.

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