Today’s guest blog is by Miss Mae Ling (@missmaeling on Twitter and here on OnlyFans), and before we begin I need to let you know that it tackles head-on a topic that may be disturbing to many: rape. There are many different ways to heal after the trauma of rape, of which the following – engaging in consensual non-consent during kink play – is just one. This post details one woman’s experience in very personal detail, and I’m incredibly grateful to Mae Ling for sharing her experience here today.
How consensual non-consent can be healing
Rape is a very triggering topic. There is something so harsh, so wrong, so vile about the act itself that it makes us all cringe and makes many of us avoid wanting to talk or hear about the topic. A short and simple word with so much weight and alarm. I believe that avoidant behavior allows the very core of rape to win, allows rape to take more than what they have already taken from us. What has happened, has happened. There’s no use trying to change or mull over the past. There’s nothing left: a hole, a void that has been ripped from your soul. I believe it’ll stay as such if you choose to do nothing about it, if you choose not to reclaim your body, your experiences, your life.
I myself am a rape survivor. At a very young age, I had my virginity stolen from me by a young man whose fragile ego was hurt by rejection, so he drugged me and took what he wanted. That precise moment in life, a memory so vivid so engrained in one’s brain truly shapes an individual. How did I move on from such a tragic occurrence when everyone I spoke to blamed me for it? Being born in America and raised within an Asian culture where no man is ever wrong and that it was always the woman’s fault – begging for such a crime with her teasing manners and taunting outfits; men were just weak to their animalistic nature. I was taught that rape should be hushed up and forgotten about to avoid drawing negative attention to the family. That I must suppress my feelings because the pain was hurting my family so much more, so I pretended that I had moved on, living a lie. A ghost in a shell moving about without any fire within.
For years, I hated men. Four years of therapy later, I still hated men. I hated that I was afraid of them. I hated them for existing in a threatening space. I hated the fact that there was no worry in their daily activities and yet my mind was flooded with a checklist of precautions, never safe. That is how I lived until the day I asked to be raped again. Consensually.
I couldn’t let my past continually eat my future away. So I had to face it – head on. I asked a close friend (now partner) to ‘rape’ me. In the kink scene, this is often referred to as ‘consensual non-consent.’ We had negotiated and talked at length about what it would entail. A first for the both of us – we were both aware of the severity of what could occur, ruining our friendship, me hating him, destructive explosive behavior that could revert me back to a ghost. But this time, I didn’t hate him, I fell in love with him. I felt so much gratitude and appreciation for what he had done, allowing me to feel all those emotions which I had long since blocked out, everything flooded back up, forcing me to confront everything in the past rather than sweeping it under and moving along as though it was okay. Everything was released and I felt whole again. I didn’t have the emotional maturity back then to process what had happened, but now I had begun to learn.
Now, how do I take this a step further after facing my truest demon? I wanted to perform consensual non-consent with someone else too. Luckily, having found the kink community, with my new found confidence and vigor in life I found men I was attracted to. Men who changed my perspective on the “men” I had encountered in my earlier years. They were softer, sweeter, respectful and oh so adorable. Their eagerness to please me and only focus on my happiness had me taken aback at first but now it’s the only way of life I believe in for myself. A bonus was that they wanted to engage in these consensual ‘rape play’ scenes with me.
Physically I am much smaller than them, but in the time that we play they are helplessly bound under my power, restrained and stripped of any power so that I may explore and do whatever I wish to them. How has doing this with others been healing for me? I am able to experience a therapeutic and deeper connection with men than I thought I was able to before. The ability to do what was done to me, this time with consent, and look at it in the face and smile and laugh at it gave me back my life. No more fear, no more hiding, just unapologetically me and surrounding myself with those who truly accept that part of me. Rape had shaped a part of my life back then and it has been flipped into a better part of my life now.