Listen up, my friend. Come closer. I have something very important to tell you. Your dick is fucking fantastic. Really, truly outstanding. Since the first time I grasped it through the fabric of your boxers I knew: this dick will work wonders. It’s a memorable cock. It literally sparks fucking joy. That same dick can also, I assure you, break hearts. So I’m gonna say something that I do not say to everyone: you’ve got an exceptional dick, please use it wisely.
Everyone has their own tastes and preferences – size and shape is not the be-all and end-all of sex. It’s barely even the start. But I’d be lying if I denied that sometimes one encounters a dick that immediately triggers one’s brain to whisper “holy FUCK, what a TREAT.” Your dick is like this.
People are going to have a really lovely time on your cock. Not everyone, but many people. For those people, being on a promise to fuck you will flash in their mind in bright pink neon excitement, as if they’ve planned a road trip to Disneyland. And if you use that cock wisely, they will tell all their mates how awesome you are, look forward to the next go and the next until one day perhaps they’ll fall in love with you.
But the reason we’re having this talk right now is that I need you to know – with great power comes great responsibility. Use that dick, my friend, but please don’t BE a dick.
Exceptional dick, shame about the person it’s attached to
When I tell my dick-loving mates about a shag and include in my story ‘and his cock was SO FUCKING GOOD’ I guarantee many of them are thinking the same thing: but… is he a misogynist though? Or is he a lying shitbag? Does he treat you like his mother? Or his daughter? Dick’s all well and good, but dick is far from the only criteria here.
There’s only so long one can put up with bad behaviour in order to get that great dick. Does this person shout at you? Belittle you? Ignore the things you enjoy in favour of trying to guilt-trip you into embracing his hobbies? Have absolutely terrible and clearly incorrect opinions about sexual politics? Some of this stuff is easy to brush over, while you’re dispensing exceptional dick on a regular basis. But although it’s undeniably strong, your dick can only carry this weight for a limited time.
So this is what I’m thinking, if one of my friends waxes lyrical about someone’s cock. I’m thinking: lovely, of course, and I hope it doesn’t end there. Does this person actually care if you’re having fun when you’re in bed with him? I know you’re having fun now because you’re blinded by the dick. But in a year’s time when you put on a bit of weight will he bluntly tell you that he doesn’t fancy you any more, thus dumping a load of trauma into your sex life in an effort to motivate you to change your body? Does he sneer at your fantasies while trying to nag you beyond your boundaries to make you fulfil his?
In short: does his dick write cheques that his behaviour cannot cash?
Let’s talk about your exceptional dick
You’ve got a great dick, mate. Seriously, just absolutely delightful. I’ll get in trouble here if I don’t point out that there are many different ways for a dick to be brilliant: it isn’t just a size thing, it’s a shape thing too. A responsiveness thing. Presentation and style and where exactly the ridges and veins are. Circumcised, uncircumcised, pointing every which way: my life has been lucky enough to be filled with great dick of all shapes and sizes.
It just so happens that yours is one of the best. It’s beautiful, responsive, tactile and all the things I’d ever ask for in a dick. It manages to be both satisfying and manageable in exactly the right proportions. I can just as easily suck it as ride it: both things represent a challenge, but a plausible one. I could easily spend many happy evenings of my life toying with this dick, and I’d have a fantastic time learning exactly how best to get it twitching and jerking in that good good good good way.
I’m just saying. Please please don’t waste that exceptional dick by being a dick too.
You might struggle to get dates past second base, but once you’ve got to third base they’ll have seen your dick. And if that person is like me then hey… once they’ve seen that dick? You have a guaranteed home run every single innings till the third down of the fourth quarter… or whatever… I don’t understand baseball. I do understand cock, though, and I can tell you that the only reason we had a second date was because I couldn’t get your cock out of my mind. I know that probably makes me a bad person, but hey! That’s what dick does to me. And look at me now: three dates in and I’m daydreaming about your dick at 10:30 on a Wednesday morning.
I’m saying your dick opens doors. At least some people (not everyone, but enough people) will walk through those doors purely so they can treat themselves to a ride.
So once they’re there, please be nice.
One good thing
Look. I know I’ve focused on dick here, but dick was simply what inspired this thought – yours is extremely inspirational. The truth is, I have this creeping worry with anyone who has an attribute that I really want to enjoy for a longer time. It might be an especially beautiful arse, or a banging sense of humour. Perhaps it’s someone with a cool hobby I like joining in on, or the ability to cook delicious food. Whenever someone pops up in my life with some awesomesauce or other, my brain goes ‘yeah, that’s cool. But is he a secret misogynist? Will he be ashamed of what you do for a job? Has he already shared that nude you sent him with friends who might laugh at it?’ It’s a worry.
Dating new people means constantly testing and challenging that worry – prodding at the edges of someone’s personality to see if it lives up to the hope that the first few dates have sparked. Exploring their opinions to see if their kickass cooking skills or fun hobbies or amazing jokes are worth sticking around for. And yeah, of course, that also includes hoping that someone’s attitude is as sound as their cock.
I’ve had conversations with friends about partners who have brilliant attributes that conclude with us all sighing wistfully and going ‘yeah, but wasn’t he a fucking arsehole.’ Their sense of humour might be fun in public, but in private that wit means better ways to cut my friend down and make them feel small. Their cooking skills are awesome, but those skills are combined with a callousness elsewhere that sees my mate doing all the rest of the household chores and relationship maintenance and stuff that makes up a life.
This particular exceptional dick is remembered not as a good thing, but as a shame. A tragedy! What a waste of valuable fuckmeat, to attach it to the crotch of a person who lacks the most basic respect for their partner. Or someone who cannot control their temper and feels the need to spit spite at the people who care for them. Or who feeds someone’s insecurity so they are too belittled to realise that there is also hot action elsewhere in the world. I’ve had a lot of these conversations, and I’ve always pitied those whose awesome attributes can only be discussed when accompanied by disappointed sighs.
Don’t be a tool, be a hero
But I’ve also had conversations where exceptional dick, or a fabulous arse, or a powerful penchant for giving head is the icing on the cake. It’s not a shame or a waste or a travesty, it’s the full stop thumped with a triumphant flourish at the end of a fucking victory speech.
“Yeah he’s awesome. Funny and kind and willing to listen when we talk about politics and genuinely interested in what I’ve got going on in my life and… oh holy CHRIST you should see his dick. It’s incredible. I’m the luckiest person who ever lived.”
Which one do you wanna be?
Look down at your cock, mate. Grab it in your hand. Let the blood pump into the veins that make it fat and hard. Squeeze good and tight just around the bulge where it’s at its thickest. And remind yourself: this is an astonishing dick. My dick is desirable. My dick opens doors. My dick can break hearts and move mountains. This isn’t a responsibility that I take lightly: I’ll endeavour to be an exceptional person, to match my exceptional dick.
With that cock, you are halfway to legend. Please don’t become a morality tale.
I wrote this a very long time ago. This will not be an irrelevant fact to 99.99% of blog readers, but it absolutely will matter to the people who might think it’s about them. Seriously: ages ago. Don’t go guessing, you’ll be wrong.