The jury is no longer out on why Pete Davidson gets to shag so many incredibly hot A-list celebrity women. For a long time, the rumour was that he had a giant cock or some incredible sexual skill that no one else could possibly have mastered. But nowadays it’s accepted (at least, in the circles I run in) that the reason PD gets so much A is because he’s a decent bloke.
To be honest, this didn’t come as a huge revelation. If you ask women who fuck men what makes for a great casual partner, the answers will usually tick a few of the following boxes: friendly, fun, good at setting and respecting boundaries, low drama, thoughtful, funny. Someone who knows what he wants (and what he doesn’t), what he can offer (and can’t), and is able to articulate those things with clarity and kindness. Personally, I’d add ‘not repeatedly hammering home the idea that they don’t want a relationship’ either – it’s tedious as fuck to be with a guy who insists on telling you, after every single shag, that you’re not his girlfriend. As if without that reminder you’d be calling him your ‘other half’ and making plans to introduce him to your Mum.
You get the idea though: a good casual shag is usually someone who is chill. Sound. Nice. A decent bloke. An exceptional dick might be a bonus (and will probably be mentioned if you have one and I’m recommending you to my friends) but the headline is always the way you treat me. Sod the size of your cock: do you have a big heart?
[You don’t need a cock to be a guy, nor do you need an exceptional cock (which isn’t necessarily a size thing) in order to get on the fuck referral network. Feel free to substitute ‘great at fingering/amazing in bed/whatever’ for ‘dick’ – the point still stands]
The Fuck Referral Network
Over the last few years I’ve shagged a few people who came via recommendation. Generous women very kindly allowed me to borrow their husbands, boyfriends and fuckbuddies, or recommended that I date one of their friends. This fantastic dude came via recommendation, and another lovely guy in similar ways. The Glastonbury Blow Job story (which I’ll tell you when I get round to it) also came about via a loan from the ‘library of other people’s boyfriends’. The ultimate in fuck referral network success (for me at least) is of course the blind date I got set up on with Hot Punk Guy. A woman recommended him to me, and we’re now in a relationship, which means that not only do I get to have a go on his exceptional dick whenever I want, technically that dick is now legally my property.
To ensure my karma remains balanced, I have of course been trying to do the same: I put men forward to the Fuck Referral Network, offering them up like a particularly tasty batch of M&S canapés in the hope that my horny friends decide to take a bite. It doesn’t always work (just because I like two people doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll like each other) but if you look at the referrals I’ve made throughout my adult life, I’ve had enough success that I feel like I’m pulling my weight. In fact, allow me a brief aside to brag about this: one of my friends recently celebrated her three year anniversary with a hot guy I set her up with a while back. They’re in love! They’re disgustingly cute! They make such an excellent pair! CALL ME CUPID, BITCHES.
Recently, more than one man has expressed a desire to be recommended/passed around a gang of eager women, and anyone who’s spent more than 0.5 nanoseconds on a dating app lately knows what a shower of dogshit they all are. So I thought I’d have a go at explaining to men how you get in on the Fuck Referral Network action, and what the secret sauce is for having women like me refer you to our horny friends.
Things that give you a boost on the Fuck Referral Network:
Being willing to go on an actual date. Yeah, sorry dudes, you don’t always have to do this but it is usually a good shout if you’re willing to put a bit of time in. Partly to show that you’re safe, but also partly because talking can be a crucial part of foreplay. Discussing boundaries, needs, desires, expectations etc… that’s important. So why not do it over a pint or dinner? One of the most fun casual shags I’ve had was a fuckbuddy with whom I used to go for post-work pints. We’d grab a drink, catch up on gossip, moan about our woes, then head to his place to bang. That connection? The chatting and unloading and listening and cracking jokes? That was at least part of what helped us both get into a relaxed enough mood to be horny.
I’m not saying dating is compulsory, but it’s notable (I think) that when men ask me how they get recommended for a shag, often they’re thinking I’ll just give them someone’s phone number, they’ll text a time/place and Bob’s your uncle. But it usually requires more effort. When my friends and I recommend men to each other we’re rarely saying ‘oh this guy? Yeah he’s great at turning up and watching Netflix in stone-cold, awkward silence before I suck him off!’
The men who get the best recommendations are the ones willing to put in a bit of time and effort – building rapport (and anticipation) before they whip their pants off. Same’s true of Pete Davidson, by the way – according to Kim K, he tends to come up with fun ideas for actual dates, like taking her for ice cream in the way (I imagine?) normal, non-celebrities get ice cream in America:
“Pete was like, ‘Babe, let’s go get some ice cream at Thrifty,’ and I was like, ‘Oh my God, you are making me so f—ing horny.’ Rite Aid? Thrifty? It was literally like one of the best nights of my life.”
Being complimentary, without being a massive skeeze. Texts which tell the person you’re excited to see them? Yes. Texts which make aggressive demands for sex acts you’ve not yet discussed and agreed to? No. Your casual shag isn’t a toy, they’re a person.
Thank you texts! Tell them you had a nice time, if you did. It’s polite.
Not being full of drama and ‘will we/won’t we’. Save this shit for relationships: your casual fucks should know exactly where you (and they) stand. Treat them like adults, with adult conversations about your expectations and needs. Respect their expectations and needs and set out clear boundaries to mark your own.
Good condom practice. Practice safer sex without bitching about it or trying to pressure someone else into not using condoms – this is vital. It would never be the main reason I put someone forward, but ‘safer sex practices’ is a non-negotiable baseline, and ‘good condom practice’ would be something I explicitly mention when putting someone forward on the Fuck Referral Network. If you don’t yet know how to use condoms properly (MANY OF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PUT ON A CONDOM PROPERLY, PLEASE LEARN*) get on that immediately.
How to get on the Fuck Referral Network in the first place
Of course, you can only do these things if you get on the Fuck Referral Network in the first place. Those of you who are eager to be referred are probably chomping at the bit to hear the most important piece of advice in this blog, so brace yourselves because here it comes… here’s how to get your name out there…
Build non-sexual friendships.
That’s it, that’s the secret. You need to build friendships with women (and/or people of other genders of course – I’m speaking specifically to straight/bi/pan dudes about women because that’s where my experience lies, but I imagine some of this does have relevance in other dating arenas too). In order to get referred, you need to build friendships with the kind of people who might also be friends with the people you want to bang. Build non-sexual friendships.
Think about it: if you’re not getting recommended right now there are two reasons. The first is that you’re not recommendable (therefore, have a crack at doing the things in the section above), the second is that you’re not running into enough people who have horny friends asking if they know anyone they could refer. Remember about ten years ago when we all had a big barney about men who complained of being ‘friendzoned’? Those who didn’t complain about it, and who understood that women are people who are fun to hang around with even if sex is not on the cards, are probably getting set up with those women’s friends right about now. You can’t really shortcut this step, because there isn’t a way to speedrun friendship. You just have to put the time in to meet people, talk to them, treat them nicely, and show them that you’re trustworthy and fun.
The sticking point for a lot of men here (sorry to say it, my dudes, but if you want to get better you have to be open to constructive criticism) is that they often see this step as one which can be taken incredibly quickly. And they are wrong. Friendship takes time to build, and genuine friendship requires effort and care – it isn’t just a question of getting in touch with that cool person, going out for a few drinks, then asking her if she can set you up on a date. Nor is it a question of suddenly showing an interest in your abandoned female friends after years of no contact, and immediately launching in to telling them how poly you are these days with a nudge and a wink and a cheeky smile. I had a friend who did this to me once, and it genuinely broke my heart a little. I’d been excited to reconnect with a mate I had been missing, but it swiftly became clear that he saw me mainly as a doorway to sex. When it turned out I couldn’t hook him up in the immediate future, he disappeared again.
Look: the fuck referral network isn’t an official ‘thing’. There are no membership cards, no guest lists, and no magic handshakes for those who want to get on it. But I suspect that given the terrible state of Apps, over the next few years real-life recommendations will become even more important if you want to date or have casual sex. If you’d like to be one of the people who gets set up on blind dates, referred to good friends for a fuck, or whispered about in complimentary ways like a cut-price Pete Davidson, now’s the time to start brushing up on your social skills. Behaving well in your sexual encounters, being a truly good friend to the people in your life, and letting it be known that if they have any hot, available mates, you’ll be on your best behaviour.
How to put a condom on properly
Most common mistakes cis guys make with condoms (in my experience) include:
1. not wearing the correct size. If you’re big and the condom is tight, you can lose your erection or struggle to have fun/an orgasm. Which is annoying but not the worst thing. The worst thing is if you’re small and the condom is too big (this is far more common), it can literally slip off during sex and endanger my health! For fuck’s sake please just buy smaller condoms. It is better to do this than put me at risk!
2. not throwing away a condom when you’ve started putting it on wrong. You know how sometimes you put it on the tip of your dick the wrong way round? Yeah? Don’t just flip it over – throw it away and get a new one. You are still protected from STIs if you flip it and roll it down anyway, but I am not. Do you understand why this is the case? See also: pregnancy, if there’s precum (though that’s low risk, there is still a risk, and we’re using condoms because we don’t want that risk). If you think it’s wasteful to use a new condom in this instance, just check it’s the right way up before you put it on your bellend, ya bellend.
3. not pinching the tip of the condom when you roll it onto your dick. If you spunk in it but there’s air trapped, it’s more likely to split or come off.
4. not holding the condom when you pull out. Seriously, if your dick is going flaccid (or has gone flaccid), you need to grab the base of the condom so that when you slide out you don’t leave it dangling limply from my vag.
5. not fucking TELLING ME if the condom comes off inside me. Seriously, if you put one on when you plunged in and it’s not there when you withdraw, you need to let me know that shit ASAFP. More than once I have gone to the bathroom after a fuck, pissed then wiped and found the condom hanging out of me. This is not the same as deliberate stealthing, stealthing is rape and is not what I’m talking about here. What I mean here is ‘pulling out because we’re finished shagging, feeling that the condom has slipped off, then being too embarrassed to tell me and just waiting till I discover it myself.’ That is totally unacceptable behaviour, it could potentially be confused for stealthing, and it puts my health at risk. If you’re mature enough to fuck me, you’re mature enough to let me know when you notice there’s been a condom mishap.
END RANT.
14 Comments
I absolutely love this piece. Could there be membership cards though? That would be helpful. (Though obviously there would be a roaring trade in fakes, so maybe not..) But yes, yes! To all of this. Just be baseline decent. Honest, kind, funny. Be a friend.
Love it too (like much on the site, thanks once again, GOTN.
I particularly lke the imaginative concept of the “library of other people’s [lovers]”, borrowing rights and all. I wonder, incidentally, where – wrist? upper arm? buttock? – the return-by stamp would be applied.
More importantly, we shouldn’t ignore the fact that across the country libraries are being dismissively classified as “only culture”, hence: low-priority. They are being ruthlessly
squeezed or closed down altogether, with local councillors being strapped for cash (no, vigilant libel lawyers, that doesn’t denote misappropriating funds for recreational BDSM – though I wouldn’t mind seeing some old-fashioned floggings meted out to the ministers who’ve systematically under-funded our local services for over a decade).
So what about second-hand/charity bookshops instead? There must be at least one other GOTN-head [ponders, for a wistful moment, an alternative, more physical and active, sense for the term] who, like me, loves to rootle through books others have already enjoyed – or at least, possessed, even if some of what’s on offer (ancient green Penguins, for example) don’t look like lasting much longer.
In the ever-more-whirlpooly churn of commercial life in 2020s Britain, many second-hand bookshops are themselves re-purposed buildings,. (There’s the old railway station in Wells-next-the-sea in North Norfolk, for example, and the odd church too, I believe.)
On reflection, “Recycling centre” may be a better term than “Second-hand shop”. Still, the idea – the metaphor – is a resonant one. It also invites us to ponder if and how the specific delight of recycled books, the scribbled comment ( “Yes!!!” – or, more often: “Nonsense!!”; much more rarely, something more discursive) could be replicated (“No understanding of neck-muscle strain”; “Brilliant fine-tuner of bottom-tingle” – would there have to be a log-book?)
And if the idea were ever to become more than a metaphor – just occasionally, a little stall at a church fête? – then dog-eared, tattered old me – widely considered passé by critics – might shyly oin the merchandise. After all, who knows what collectors might attend?
I remember that when I was a teenage boy I thought there is such a thing as “fuck referral network”. My “strategy” was that I get laid once, somehow, then the lucky girl will gossip to her friends how great lover I was and then on I will no longer have trouble getting laid. How wrong (and in hindsight, stupid) I was. Of course it didn’t work and that fact that I never got laid even once in my 10s (or 20s for that matter) was only a small problem in this “strategy”, it didn’t work even in my 30s when I was getting laid – the bigger problem was that I was missing the “make friendships” thing.
Interestingly, I run into a kind of “reverse” network. I was making friendships, including with some girls. I mustered all of my courage to ask one of them out to a date – she declined. A few weeks (or months?) later I asked an other girl, she also declined. Further few weeks later a third girl in that group asked me: “Did you really asked her out for a date?”. My experience was that negative news spread, positive news not.
(Much) later in my life a friend tried to set me up. She meant really well for me, but none of her recommended friends showed even a slightest bit of interest in me – at least I experienced being in a match-making situation :-)
The concept of recommending a guy for casual sex or a “library of other people’s boyfriends” is so alien to me like it could be on Mars. I mean my wife is openly talking about her sexual life with quite a few friends (and they also share their stories) and we are in an open relationship, but she’d never ever recommend neither of her partners (including me) to anybody else. I’m aware of polyamory and swinging and non-traditional relationships, but recommending a man for sex is not something I actually heard from anyone. I do not doubt it exists in your circles – I just think there’s a huge cultural difference between where (and how) you live and how people live around me.
“Replying” to oneself (how masturbatory is that?? – politically active friends write the epithet: masurba-Tory – but, sorry, two things really need to be said (OK, wittered).
First: the “network”described above with unsurprising aplomb by GOTN, really is ghostly and mysterious in its being and operation.
In that, it probably comes closest to the Holy Vehm in C13 Westphalia (without the killings of course).
Reckless – sometimes just hopessly incompetent – Ministers have toyed with regulating the shadowy Network’s activities by statute, or by (Ha!) Henry VIII powers.
The creation of a Regulator has been mooted (named …? No prizes!). Devolving powers on the appalling Serco, Capita, or vaguely plausible Tory donors, has apparently also been mooted (sounds like Michael Gove); mercifully, all bright ideas have been – eventually – seen off by weary Civil Servants.
The second, perhaps even more important fact that needs to be spelt out at once is that there already is a FRN – and it’s far more exclusive and strange.
The Fucked by Royalty Network exists entirely to shield and assist libidinous oyals, while imposing all kinds of obligations (sometimes years after the qualifying event occurred) on anyone invited to come and qualify for Membership,
Apologies for not having made that clear first time round. And Happy Easter.
I’m really curious how you meet all your male friends. Like, I can go weeks, even months, without meeting a new woman (If we define meeting as learning her name. I met the woman who just served me coffee, in the strictest sense of the word).
I don’t include work in that, BTW.
I’d love to know where I should go to make friends with some funny clever women. I’d absolutely do everything on your list, I’m trustworthy and fun and I’d make an effort. I just never get the chance to show it.
Great post, though I fear some people may need to read it several times to take it in.
This shouldn’t really need to be said but making friends with women as a guy (I’m actually non-binary but most people will assume I’m a guy when they first meet me and that has a bearing on these sorts of dynamics) is awesome in its own right, regardless of potential fuck referrals. I have no interest in fuck referrals at present because I’m in a long term relationship but a large number of my friends are women and I value those friendships for their own sake. One of them actually set me up with my current partner 14 years ago. Maybe if I found myself in a situation where I was interested in casual partners my friends might refer me but that’s not why we are friends and not something I would expect of them.
If you befriend women with the hope of getting fuck referrals, chances are they will see through you and you will get no fuck referrals (rightly so).
@loneley_guy: I believe the idea is to make friends regardless their gender. If you have friends, go out with your friends, you might meet their friends, make more friends – eventually you might meet new women too. The problem is: for some people it might be really hard to make friends (or simply being around strangers). I mean one of the things (young) single people tend to do is to go to a pub to have a drink. For an abstinent person this might be really uncomfortable and being uncomfortable is not a great way to make friends. Maybe join a club (e.g. a hiking club, a book club) and meet new people there. Do *not* go there with the explicit aim of meeting new women. Of course, if you don’t enjoy or not interested in anything social (I perfectly understand), then it’s tough.
Yes, that’s it AlsoLonely! The more friends you have/people you know, the wider your circle and therefore the more people they can introduce you to, but the latter should be way way way down your priority list. Also, if you struggle with social interactions in general, meeting people who have similar interests (and therefore possibly similar personalities) is an easier thing to do than leaping in to a relationship which could be nervewracking. The value of friendship can never be overstated – friends can help you work out who you are and what you want, and often know you well enough to introduce you to people you’ll get on with who you could never have imagined approaching on your own.
A more expansive answer to this question, for LonelyGuy – I have a few friends who are quite extroverted, and who therefore introduce me to a lot of new people. Personally, I think I’m bad at making new connections friend-wise – I never get enough time to spend with the friends I have, so I’m a bit wary of meeting new people. But I have one friend in particular who is extremely outgoing and loves meeting new people/partying/going to gigs, and I attend a lot of stuff with them. Through a kind of osmosis, I end up meeting other people who I really like – we tend to have music in common because of gigs, and then similar personalities/likes because we’re also both friends with this other person.
Joining clubs or, if in-person events are nervewracking, forums/sites that cater to a particular interest of yours is often a really good way to make new connections. Let’s say you’re into music – forums for that kind of music/your favourite band are a good way to get chatting to others with that interest, and once you’re there you’ll often see people try to arrange meetups or see if anyone else is going to the same gig. If you’re into board games, check out your local board game cafe (and their ‘events’ especially as they might have ones specifically for people on their own). Hiking, cycling, other sporty things – likewise. If you pick an event like this and commit to going a few times, chances are you’ll find new people there because people like to say hi to a familiar face. If you don’t yet have any interests that might be conducive to this kind of thing, examine the bits of your life that you enjoy the most and see if you can develop them into areas that give you opportunities to socialise.
And yeah, as AlsoLonely says, it can be really hard if you’re confronted with a lot of drinking culture when you’re not a drinker, for instance, but that in itself can sometimes be a thing to gather around – I vaguely recall there used to be a queer teetotal meetup in London for people who wanted to meet others in their community but without having to tank lots of booze while they did it. But yeah ultimately don’t turn up to groups like this expecting to find a lover/partner immediately, turn up with the aim of exploring one of your interests in a bit more depth, and meeting some of the other people who are also interested in it. Not only will it help you to build deeper connections with people (because you’re not just doing this to get laid), but you’ll also probably have way more fun because you won’t be stressing about having that as a goal. Just do your best to enjoy yourself and when you’ve found a group that you fit into and find mutual joy with, the extras will come naturally later.
@AlsoLonely; @GirlOnTheNet
Thanks for the advice. I wasn’t anticipating such a detailed answer
I just wanted to say, I’m absolutely not just looking to get laid, I want to make more friends, and women friends in particular, because right now I don’t actually have any female friends. I don’t really have many male ones, but at least it’s not zero.
I mean don’t get me wrong. If my hypothetical new female bestie decided to set me up with someone, that would be great. But it’s more just that I want to expand my social circle.
I do have lots of hobbies, but most of them aren’t remotely conducive to meeting new people, so I probably need to take your advice and broaden my horizons.
@lonely_guy: I think one of the divides is that some people take it for granted that if you take up a hobby you use it as an excuse to meet new people, and they don’t understand “I took up woodworking by doing some research, obtaining the best books and videos, and setting up a shop in my shed.” They assume that the hobby will involve meeting local people at least once a month (just like some people assume that Internet friends will mostly be locals, not people with an unusual interest around the world).
For almost all hobbies, the local people are not really necessary: you can jog on your own or with a group. Figuring out how to use the hobby as an excuse to meet local people is tough.
@OldGuy: there is a school of thought that the 10-20% of the population in the USA and similar countries who often have more than two sex partners per year are mostly shagging each other. I think that one reason for the divide is that people who start an advice column or a sex blog tend to be in that adventurous 10-20%, so in their experience any social circle is full of sexual tension and drama. Someone very introverted is likely to be drawn to social circles without as much getting together and breaking up.
Maybe another way of wording what GOTN is talking about is that networking is often a chain and it can take several links in the chain to connect you to what you are really looking for. The kind of introvert who struggles to meet people of the sex they are interested in may need more steps to find a social circle where women trade boyfriends like sweaters than GOTN needed. (just like someone whose social circles mostly talk about who they got with and how it went might need to work to find low-drama spaces focused on technical issues).
This is such a neat and succinct way of putting it, thank you.
Sorry if I guessed wrong about your sex life, you had that breakup a few years ago (and some of your posts are fantasies or have the names and dates scratched off) but it seems like you have had friends who like to talk with you about sex and who are often involved with more than one person in a year as long as you have been blogging. I have never met people like that face to face but I bet they introduce you to other people with the same interests, just like dancers introduce you to other dancers or knitters introduce you to other knitters.