Foreplay for people who suck at foreplay

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

I’m not very good at foreplay. In fact, on the scale of ‘things I am incredibly bad at’ it ranks below even running, remembering birthdays, and ‘not eating the second half of an open tube of Pringles.’

But, as with most sexual things, I’m willing to learn. After recently being berated for the fact that my seduction technique often involves me stripping to my pants in the bedroom and shouting ‘DO YOU WANT SEX?’ so loud that he can hear it from the kitchen, I am working on getting better at it.

Touching, hinting, saying sexy things: you know the drill.

Here’s how my foreplay lessons are going…

The art of foreplay

ME: Do you want to fuck?

HIM: Well, I might do. But when you ask me so directly, it doesn’t exactly make my dick twitch.

ME: Why not?

HIM: Because I’m halfway through a sandwich, and the Walking Dead is on.

ME: OK. I get it. So I should wait until you’ve got a boner?

HIM: No. Just, you know, get me to want it. Touch me.

*I grab his dick*

HIM: Not like that. Stroke my thigh or something.

*I stroke his thigh*

HIM: Not NOW. You’ve ruined it now. Later.

Time passes. Days pass. Weeks. The lesson burrows its way into my mind until eventually, one later evening on that same sofa, I get an idea.

I start stroking his thigh.

He snuggles into me.

I move my hand up his thigh towards his cock, inner monologue working overtime to congratulate me on remembering this thing. In fact, so busy am I congratulating myself on it, that I forget why I was doing it and halfway through I wander off to the kitchen to make hot chocolate.

When I come back in, with two mugs of steaming and delicious hot chocolate, I snuggle back into him.

Time passes. Half an hour. An hour. It’s nearly bedtime and the last dribbles of chocolate have gone cold.

With a sudden lightning-bolt of realisation, I remember the task I’d set myself over two hours ago, and the way his dick – now flaccid and sleepy – had twitched in response to my softly stroking hand.

I let out a gasp and sit bolt upright on the sofa. He leaps out of his skin, and turns to me with a face that looks worried I’ve left the gas on.

HIM: What?




  • RB says:

    Completely reminded of Don Draper’s quote from Mad Men: “Just think about it deeply. Then forget it, and an idea will jump up in your face.”

    (You could probably substitute ‘idea’ for ‘dick’…)

  • nick says:

    Oh for even that….
    I love the pic at the top.
    I wonder what it is about the nethers that is so onerous right then
    I’m going with stick-on googly eyes somewhere intimate…

  • rare deeds says:

    Foreplay – it’s like fucking around when you could be fucking.

  • Oh my god, this story was PERFECT. My modus operandi is looking my partner dead in the eye, chirping “We should bang now!” and making grabby hands at the dicks/breasts in the room, so this anecdote had me chucking out loud throughout. Glad I’m not the only one who skips foreplay in favour of declarative statements! 😂

  • Yep, my pillow talk and seduction techniques work as “do me”.

    I have some serious skills, I know. Glad to know I’m not alone in it.

  • Spirit says:

    I have to say, you should absolutly just stick to saying ‘DO YOU WANT SEX?’ so loud that he can hear it from the kitchen.

    Seduction is overated, sexy “hints” always get missed and the other person just carries on doing the dishes or whatever they were doing. Far better to come out and say what you want, and there is something sexy about stating something you desire.

    I find that we all have an idea of romance and seduction in our minds and to be honest it’s… well.. b******s. Seduction and romance is what you want it to be and living up to an ideal that’s set by cheap Mills and Boon novels and crap Hollywood movies is a waste of time.

    I hope that next time the conversation goes like this:

    ME: Do you want to fuck?

    HIM: Yup!

    Someone saying what they want….. Now that’s seduction.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Wait, so I should… completely ignore the type of seduction that actually turns him on in favour of just steamrollering him into enjoying what I do? That doesn’t sound very fun or consensual at all.

      I agree with you that seduction is overrated, but I think what’s overrated about it is the idea that there is ‘one way’ that we should all be doing it. Realistically, we are all turned on by different things, in different moods, and sometimes what works won’t be the right approach. There is no magic switch. The only way to really nail it is to listen to what each other wants, and respond to the ways other people do stuff. Just as he’s learned the kind of foreplay I like, so when he’s in the mood he knows how to turn me on, I think I’ll try and turn him on in a way that’s actually going to excite him.

      • Spirit says:

        I don’t mean that you should ignore what he wants just so that you can get what you want as I totally agree that the fun is by acknowledging what some else wants and giving them that pleasure and having that pleasure reciprocated.

        What I was trying to get at in my comment was not that you should be ignoring what he likes, but that I totally agree with the bluntness of stating what you want and that one of the wonderful things is that you can be that blunt and that the other person accepts and acknowledges that, just as you accept and acknowledge the things that they want.

        I was also just having a general poke at the mainstream ways that the media encourages us to be seductive.. i.e. hollywood etc.

        Also, while your here, can I ask if your new book will be available in Kindle format as Amazon currently states that it will only be available in Paperback Format.
        Loved the last book and looking forward to reading this one.

  • Dan says:

    Old man guy wisdom here; M68, married a decade.

    a) stroke my balls and I might even forget you are a Republican; slow ball/dick stroking and pillow talk is just kind. Be kink. Mom said so.

    b) doesn’t have to go anywhere. Me: “Wow, I love that. And I”m so tired. Could you do that for an hour and wake me at 3AM?”

    c) the pic expression is SOOOO wrong for me. I LOVE it when she sits on my face after a shower; or anytime, anywhere. Foreplay: SHE/softly or hardly, “Would you like it if I brushed my teeth, got ready for bed and sat on your face for a bit?” Or, “Here’s some morning coffee. I just showered. Would love to sit on your face for a bit.”

    d) a man wants to be wanted. Damn, a woman wants that, too. THAT’s foreplay.

  • And this post is just one of the so many reasons we all love you.


  • Jo says:

    Hahahahahaha so awkward and hilarious!

  • Asrai Devin says:

    I have to have consent before I start touching. My DH is not happy with it. It is a hard limit forme.

  • I love this, the humour and the reality. I also love foreplay and find it MEGA important. My head has to get in the zone in order for my o
    pussy to play along ;-)

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