This week an article did the rounds on Twitter titled ’10 Things Men Do In Bed That Women Hate.’ It was So. Fucking. Awful (and mostly copied word for word from this old, awful listicle from more than a year ago) that I thought I’d write an alternative.
10 Things Men Do In Bed That Women Hate
10. Doing too little foreplay. Or too much foreplay. Or such a perfect amount of foreplay that you just know they’ve been revising beforehand, which kills the romance.
9. Forgetting to raise their pinky finger when they squeeze out the lube. Did your mothers teach you no manners?
8. Bringing a leopard. Guys, we get it – you have a leopard. Leave it outside while we’re getting it on, yeah?
7. Singing the first verse of God Save The Queen but getting half the words wrong.
6. Forgetting to use the right hashtag when they’re livetweeting it.
5. Stopping halfway through foreplay to contemplate which way they’ll vote in the EU referendum.
4. Stealing the duvet, then selling it on eBay while you sleep.
3. Shouting ‘Houston, we have lift off!’ at the point of climax.
2. Insisting on a game of Mornington Crescent, then starting with Clapham Junction which everyone knows is an illegal move during a two-player game.
1. Writing clickbait listicles in the afterglow.