On touches: touching your dick vs touching my clit

When it comes to sexiness, there are two different types of touch:

  • Being touched to turn me on and
  • Being touched because it turns you on

One of these, I find, is very much hotter than the other.

That’s not to say that one is inferior, it’s all about personal preference. But one of these gives me that kick-in-the-gut of lust that makes my stomach contract and my cunt wet. The other is nice but often as likely to be met with a ‘meh’ as an ‘mmm’.

It’s obvious, isn’t it? I prefer to be touched not because you want to arouse me, but because you’re aroused by touching me.

Subtle difference, whole world of wet

Assuming that I’m up for sweaty humping with you, it is far, far hotter for you to touch the bits of me that you like rather than the bits the textbooks say will make me wet. Rummaging around in my crotch is all well and good (and it is usually well fucking good) but the sexy thing is not where you’re touching me, but why you’re touching me.

Being touched is lovely – and there are a few specific things that have a 90% success rate in getting me wet. Pinching my nipples, gripping my hair, wrapping one or both of your hands firmly around my neck as you kiss me – these things are all fantastic, and liable to have me moaning and pulling my knickers down before you can say ‘pull your knickers down.’

But rubbing my clit? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong – there is barely a day that goes by when I wouldn’t be grateful for a hand job, but crucially this is something that needs to happen when I am already aroused. Rubbing my clit to arouse me implies a misunderstanding of the process – like asking me to marry you before we’ve even fucked.

If I’m not yet horny, you rubbing my clit makes me feel like you’re going through the motions. It feels like you’re pushing the right buttons to perform a special trick rather than trying – with aching desperation and feverish lust – to fuck the life out of me.

So what’s better? Well, I have a suggestion…

I love it when you rub your cock

Given that what I ideally want is to see how fucking horny you are, you’d be far better off touching your cock with an aching longing than putting your hand anywhere near my soft bits.

Here are two scenarios. One is hotter than the other. Can you guess which one it is?

Scenario 1: Guy and girl in bed, girl has previously said that she’s quite knackered and not sure she’s in the mood tonight. So guy holds her in his arms, they cuddle together, and he gently strokes her, moving from breasts to stomach, to thighs, eventually worming his hand into her crotch. She nuzzles up against him and murmurs sleepily. He starts gently rubbing at her clit.

Scenario 2: Guy and girl in bed, girl has previously said that she’s quite knackered and not sure she’s in the mood tonight. So guy holds her with one of his arms, using his free hand to grip his straining erection. He strokes it firmly, with just enough movement that she knows exactly what he is doing. He pushes his cock up against her, and starts rubbing harder. She can hear him breathing more quickly, feel him getting hotter, feel his other arm squeezing her more tightly. The bed shakes, his fist gently slapping against her arse, getting faster in time with his breathing as he gets closer to coming. She knows that at any point she could either slide herself backwards onto his thick, twitching erection or reach back with a hand to feel him come thickly all over her fingers.

OK, so I’m clearly biased. But when I read scenario one I can’t help but conjure an atmosphere of weary acceptance on the part of both parties. One is trying to get to sleep – mildly aroused but slightly annoyed at being pawed at – and the other is horny and hot but annoyed at having to go through some sort of pre-shag rigmarole in order to cajole the other into a fuck.

When I read the second scenario, all I’m thinking about is the delightful anticipation of feeling a guy lying next to you having a deeply and selfishly satisfying wank, and my eyes briefly glaze over and I have to have a lie down.

So the moral of the story is this: in my opinion, touching your own cock is one of the most effective forms of foreplay. Show me you want to fuck by grabbing your dick and groping the bits of me that make it twitch in anticipation. Don’t show me you want to fuck by pressing buttons.

Half-heartedly rubbing my clit in the hope that I’ll become aroused is about as hot as forcing down your vegetables so you get to have ice cream afterwards. We’re all grown-ups here, and I’m not going to make you eat carrots – please feel free to tuck straight into dessert.


  • totf says:

    Oh god, thank you so much. Sometimes you write something, and it’s just something that I’ve been feeling, but hadn’t quite pinned down yet, hadn’t got the words for, and you hand it to me on a plate. You absolute babe. Best post in ages

  • Charlotte says:

    Oh you are so right! I thought maybe this only happened to me. I hate it. I hated more I couldn’t explain it to my ex. Now, if this ever happens again, I have the words to explain it. Thank you.

  • Dove says:

    I love it when someone touches me and I can tell it’s turning them on. Better still if they rub up against me to get themselves off.

    My current has developed a new habit of just sticking his fingers down my pants and fingering me. It’s usually uncomfortable more than anything. The Catch-22 element is I know it turns him on to feel me get wet on his fingers. So he wants to get off on me getting off, and I want to get off on him getting off. But to get to that point, I have to put up with the awkward pawing like he’s a 14-year-old that’s never touched a girl before.

    But…. I have a higher sex drive than him, so I’m not going to bring it up. I’ll take it however I can get it! And if that works for him, I’ll put up with the uncomfortable fingering in exchange for the fucking that will follow soon after.

  • Ash says:

    I don’t particularly enjoy fingering anyway – I prefer to use my mouth. But I might try this with the current special lady.

    Sadly she isn’t anywhere near as cock-hungry as you but when we fuck and she goes to heaven and back five times before I do it suggests that I’m doing something right but there’s always room to improve.

  • And there kind is the kind of writing that makes you touch yourself. So I just lay back, thought of England, among other things and wanked myself to a blissful happiness.

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you GOTN. As someone said above, you always manage to beautifully verbalise an insight which in my head is a whirl of unconnected thoughts and make me have a good think about something and then arrive at a mini-epiphany of sorts (and an orgasm)

    In my case there is the third kind of touching: that’s me touching myself that turns you on

    I fucking love masturbating in front of a guy who’s watching, preferably wanking himself. Mainly because I know how to touch myself and quite frankly very seldom someone else can rub my clit in a way that’s as good as mine* So to have a mind-blowing wanking session with a real life stimulus (read: a hard cock being worked right in front of my face and his eyes, fixed on me) so a man who is clearly turned on by a sight of a girl giving pleasure to herself on her own terms is FUCKING awesome in extreme, plus as a wanton exhibitionist I just like being watched. I like being rewarded for being such a good little performer by a mouthful of fresh spunk.
    In fact one of my most memorable ever experiences (read: one that I will pull out of my special wanking filing cupboard) is this one, with my favourite lover to date:

    *I am not putting in doubt boys’ skills in clitoral stimulation on the whole. I probably haven’t met enough boys that are good at it (going for a type) so I am a shit researcher in the subject so I am really looking forward to one that will give me a tantric style yoni blasting howler of an orgasm. Email me if you think you are a suitable candidate.

  • Henry Davidson says:

    Well, spot on as usual GOTN. As I have said before, sex is a team game and both the players are on the same side. Both players need to appreciate that, almost always, the thing that will turn player A on the most is feeling/seeing/tasting/realising that player B is getting turned on; also, boys need to remember that every girl is different. One girl I know cannot get fully turned on until her clit is sucked (always in the same position!), another likes her tits kissed, another is really best turned on by sucking my cock, another likes best to have a very quick and rough fuck before settling in for a long evening – but they all like to see me rubbing my cock early on in the proceedings. What turns me on the most? – seeing them wet and eager for sex.

  • Dumb Domme says:

    Please get out of my brain.

    I’ve tried to articulate similar statements before, but never finished. The reasons for touch are ten times more important (to me) than the act itself.

    Anyway, yes. This.

  • Ashley says:

    This is exactly how I feel… my bf needs to read this seriously bad. There is nothing that turns me off more than when a guy who doesn’t really know or even care to know how to touch a clit starts rubbing it like that’s gonna get me into fuckn him. First off, you’re rubbin to hard, second… that’s the wrong damn place to rub if you absolutely have to rub… it’s a desperately lame way to get laid. It screams, “I don’t give a flying fuck about pleasing you… now suck my dick”. I’m all for suckin, but damn boy.. at least make a real effort, if your gonna bother making one at all.
    Grand post.. something a lot of men need to study up on.
    – Z

  • Nicola says:

    God yes. I’m going to casually leave this post open on my boyfriend’s computer and then whisper it (seductively?) into his ear every night until he gets the point.

  • Sasha says:

    You know, I really love reading your blog so much because it’s so exactly the opposite of how I feel most of the time. I love hearing someone talk about what turns them on and just thinking: ‘I don’t agree at all, not one bit, this is WONDERFUL!’ I find the subjectivity and diversity of sexual pleasure so fascinating.

    I delight in people’s individual kinks, and live my life by the motto of WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. I’m really grateful for you voicing what floats yours. Thank you for that.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thank you! Am delighted – disagreement is what makes the world go round. I have to admit to a certain thrill as well when I admit to something that is potentially a bit weird and people go “REALLY?!” =)

  • You start to moan his name as you pull down the shower head to your vagina. As the water hits your clit you moan louder. You start to almost scream his name as you’re about to hit your orgasam. You feel the shower head get pulled away. You scream in frustration and in being scared.

  • I personally had to show this unique posting, “Touching your dick vs touching my clit” together with my personal buddies on fb.

    I personallyjust simply planned to spread ur terrific posting!
    Regards, Geri

  • J says:

    Looks like you have a new reader.

  • shawna says:

    I wear a pleated skirt and a white blouse..its much easier to have his penis massage my clitoris and I love to see his sperm cum inside

  • Paul says:

    Wow where have you been. I was introduced to your blog this morning and I have been reading it all day. The countless times I gave nodded and totally agree with you. Not to mention the mess in my trousers.

  • Tom F says:

    You’d be quite aroused by my activities every time I read your blogs

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