Please Sir/Daddy/Mister – what should I call my Dom?

“I’m going to give you six whacks with this,” he says, and then he does. As he does, I have to count them. I know not why – tradition dictates it. As if dominant men are notoriously bad at simple arithmetic and if I don’t count them he’ll beat me forever. Maybe I’ll forget to count them.

Thwack. Hot stings and tingling, delicious arousal. I’m already part way to moaning out loud and begging him to fuck me. The counting is a bit of a distraction, if I’m honest, but needs must.


I settle back in, focusing on the warmth of the first stinging smack against my naked arse. Ready for a second, a third. Wanting him to give up control and just beat me like he doesn’t care how many.

“What do you say?”

“I… umm… I said it – ‘one.'” I resolve to speak up a bit next time, to avoid having this awkward break in the proceedings.

“But what do you say?”

Oh Christ, he wants me to thank him. Try not to sound too stroppy…

“Thank you.”

Phew. Back to the beating. Any minute now the next stroke will come down and it’ll knock this irritation away, putting me back into the place where I can just whimper and gasp and love it.

“Thank you what?”

Oh for the love of Christ.


“Thank you Sir” works in very specific scenarios for me – ones in which we’re role-playing that he’s my boss, or my teacher, or anyone in a position of authority (if you’re reading this, guys who might be likely to beat me at some point in the future, I have never yet had angry military commander berating me – a junior member of his troop – while spanking me over the desk with a riding crop. Just FYI). In an authority scenario, ‘Sir’ sounds reasonably natural, and I could – at a push – see me using ‘sir’ with a regular dominant who’d decided he wanted me to address him as such.

But in my lounge? When I’ve got my jeans around my ankles and you’re still half in your work clothes? It doesn’t feel right. I’ll call you ‘Sir’ if you want me to, and beg “please, Sir, can I have some more?” as you’re flogging the backs of my thighs and working me into an stinging ball of lust, but it only serves to highlight that what we’re doing is play. If I use a formal term, I’m highlighting the fact that we’re not really taking this seriously.


I’ve never gone with ‘Daddy’, although I’ll admit to a slight kick of envy for those couples who use this word during play. Something about purring ‘Daddy’ at my partner during a particularly intense session makes me melt with desire. I strongly suspect this is something that’s been conditioned via porn (both visual and written) in which the word is often used as a neat, sharp shortcut to establish in the mind of the reader that this is a dominant relationship. He orders: she obeys.

But saying it out loud? To my partner? My partner who brings me Marks and Spencer sweets after work and calls me a twat when I tell him the worst of my jokes? No matter how horny he is, I think he’d struggle to suspend disbelief for long enough to be convinced I really meant it.

Mister/Mr Surname

In my opinion, this is an underused term of BDSM endearment. I used to do a lot of school role play (what can I say? I just love knee socks and the smell of chalk) and I could not get enough of the delight of using the formal names of some of my best friends. In the evening, when we were sipping wine and chatting, a guy might be ‘Mark’, but in the schoolroom when he stood in front of me and asked me what on earth I thought I was doing, he was Mr Smith. I’d talk about them to other ‘girls’ just for the pleasure of rolling their new names around my tongue. Mr Smith told me this. Mr Smith gave us homework. Mr. Mister. Amazing.

Again, though, the whole thing collapses in on itself when it’s my regular partner, because he’ll never be a Mister to me. A ‘Mr Smith’ would sound like a sarcastic hint that we should get married someday, or a means of expressing my displeasure – it would never naturally indicate submission.


That’s the one. The name. When asking ‘what should I call my Dom?’ the question itself feels nonsensical. Because I’ve never had a Dom, much as the sex-focused part of my brain would have liked one. Thing is, the sex part of my brain doesn’t always have the control – it’d be knackered and withered within a week if I let it run as rampant as it wants to go.

I’ve known deliciously dominant guys, and guys for whom holding a whip is a fun Friday-night activity but not something they’re deeply drawn towards. I’ve played with men who speak to me in German, and beat me with rigid and unrelenting authority. Men who have laughed when I’ve asked to be restrained and railed sarcastically at me as they hitch my skirt up and bend me over their knee. I’ve known guys whose feet I’ve wanted to fall at, naked and sobbing and begging them to hurt me in ways I’ve not imagined yet.

I really want to call them ‘Daddy’, or ‘Sir’. I am envious of the people in relationships where they can subdivide their play and make it – to my mind – more intense and all-encompassing. Where play is a deeper experience than the kind of casual tennis-match style of my own BDSM.

But ultimately, I’ve never ended up in the kind of relationship where it’d feel natural to call someone ‘Sir’ or ‘Daddy’ – even when he’s got his cock in the back of my throat and is taking swipes at my arse with a riding crop. When we’re in the pub, he’s [Name], and when we’re sitting on the sofa playing Fable 3 and arguing about whether we should have sex with the hairdresser, he’s [Name]. Beating me feels like an extension of the other stuff we do: different category, same tone.

What’s in a name? Everything.



  • Peter says:

    tradition dictates it

    Pretty sure the tradition arose as a mask for sheer practicality. Especially if this isn’t something you do regularly, then you have to keep communicating non-stop so as to know how things are going and stop if there’s anything off-kilter.

    If there’s nothing but silence, how do you read it? Maybe they’re floating in their own happy little subspace, maybe they’re doing a shopping list in their head and hoping you’ll step things up a bit, or maybe they’re frozen in shock and can’t get their head clear enough to remember the safeword.

    On the other hand, stopping every few seconds to ask explicitly “How did that feel – harder? – softer?” or whatever is likely to get annoying quite quickly. Ergo, in this context the counting is a “licensed” form of communication that doesn’t break the immersion of the scenario. The semantic content is irrelevant – all that matters is that _something_ is being said, while the real messages are conveyed by tone of voice, pacing, breathlessness etc. The words per se are just the carrier wave, not the signal.

    • Girl on the net says:

      That’s really interesting – thanks Peter! Had never occurred to me that that’s why it’s done so frequently. I tend not to do the counting thing with close partners, but I can see it can be useful as a handy shortcut. I’m quite a fan of the ‘pain scale’ if I’m topping someone. I.e.
      “On a scale of 1-10, how much does this hurt, you cunt?”
      “7? Fuck you, here’s an 8.” Etc
      But overall I’m more of a ‘gasp+moan’ kind of person I think.

  • Riennnnnnn says:

    My last relationship – one of the rules was to always refer to him as Sir/Master…it replaces his real name and was supposed to be out of respect. It was nice to have a language just for us, he was MY Sir/Master and [name] to everyone else. But I also think that relates to your dynamic and if you are 24/7 or just occasionally. I couldn’t do with an on/off title…you are either a Dom all the time or you aren’t for me. But then that is because I am always a sub/slave. I am a million other things concurrently but it doesn’t take away from my also being a sub/slave.

    I’ve never called anyone Daddy and I don’t know if I could…even though the want is there. It is sexy as hell…Mr also! But then to maintain Mr seems awkwardly formal?

    To each their own I believe!

  • RB says:

    ‘as they hitch my skirt up and bend me over their knee’

    I got a bit stuck on that sentence. Mmm.

  • Azkyroth says:

    Glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I just don’t care that much. When I’m topping a partner, I let them pick an appellation, and when I’m bottoming I let them tell me what they want to be called.

    On the other hand, “Pet” is by far my favorite way of addressing a sub/bottom. :3

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh, good call on ‘pet’ – I have a bit of a fetish for Northernisms, and I reckon that counts!

      • Riennnnnnn says:

        I definitely like pet! That is a great one….but then you can be silly and say “meow” all the time (not that I um….do that already in conversations……..or anything) ;)

        • Azkyroth says:

          I could live with that… :3

          It’s a nice expression of the sort of dynamic I enjoy: dominant, controlling, but affectionate and nurturing and playful at the same time. On the other hand, when describing this for third parties I then invariably have to explain that no, I don’t mean “pet play.” >.>

  • Kitty says:

    Daddy. Every time. It just happened naturally. I’m his little girl and he is my Daddy. It just works for us.

  • V says:

    I more often than not call my husband Master during play, but occasionally ‘Daddy’ slips out as I know it adds to it for him. However, this was before we had a baby which has completely driven the sexy out calling him that!

  • seasideslut says:

    I cannot for the life of me understand the ‘daddy’ thing. It actively angers me when I hear people using it sexually too, it makes me want to fucking puke in fact. I haven’t met anyone in the UK who didn’t find it a bit peculiar, but it seems more common in the States.

    I prefer sir but I still feel a bit silly saying it.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Bloody hell – appreciate you feel strongly but I think that’s pretty harsh on those who find it hot. Some things just get you and you can’t explain why.

      • seasideslut says:

        Sorry – I didn’t mean to be rude to you or others here. I guess I just feel very strongly about it.

        • amber says:

          My dom is from the UK and he’s the one who instigated the Daddy dynamic to our relationship. I was susceptible, but resistant as well. Been there, done that. Wasn’t really wanting to go there again. Yet here I am at the point of calling him Daddy because I can’t help it. But I do like Master, Sir, and using names as well. Knowing my place is the most important part.

  • Yingtai says:

    Good grief. I’ve spent lots of time chasing my tail about this same issue, but I have the opposite problem. I HAVE to call my partner sir. Otherwise my, er, insides simply won’t sign up for the proceedings. And it’s more awkward for me early on when I’m not sure it’s okay yet! Cf. the nail-biting tribulations of my first public scene.

  • Valery North says:

    I think for me if a partner uses my real name it’s like an extra safeword: if a partner uses that then my brain switches gear to “I need to pay urgent attention because this is SERIOUS and IMPORTANT information coming, maybe an EMERGENCY.” And I feel like if I’m bottoming, I want to be able to cut through everything in the same way if I need to, I can’t remember my safeword due to whatever, I’ve got this fallback option.

    I’ve been with partners who’ve called me all of the options suggested and, once it’s established that’s the name/term of endearment within the relationship, it just feels natural that that’s what they call me. Out of a session, [real name] is fine but we’ve always more often used D/s-styled terms of endearment, at least where it won’t attract unwanted attention.

  • Paul says:

    Must say it’s a wonderful write and absolutely loved how you treated the subject. I often feel most of form of addressing, or so called protocols are unnecessary in a true d/s relationship.

  • Douglas says:

    Can I please volunteer to be one of those future people to beat you?? :D

  • Serocco says:

    I would say “King” could be worked into something like this.

  • Victorianpornbot says:

    My Lord and I had this exact discussion when we started out. I quite liked “Master”, but he’s a Doctor Who fan and… well, that’s a whole ‘nother story, but let’s just say it wasn’t used as a term of respect in the context. “Sir” we both ruled out due to the kind of school we attended – as you say, fine for situation play, but casually? These days, it’s either for when I’m utterly overcome or just being a mouthy little shit – nothing communicates sarcasm like a well placed, “Of course, sir.” It’s also kinda generic.

    No. I quite liked “sire” because we have quite a feudal relationship, but we settled on “My Lord.” I’m a massive Shakespeare geek, so it appealed to me l, and he found it appropriate. What always amazes me is how quickly he can shift from [name] to My Lord and back again – like the register changes in all the books I love, when “you” suddenly becomes, “thou” and you know you’re in trouble.

  • Jewels says:

    Uhm what if my dom is a girl?

  • Sapphire says:

    Some names I call my Dom are “Master”, “Sir”, “Mister”. I want to try “Daddy” but I don’t think he’ll be into that.

  • Josh says:

    I have been called “Master”, “Sir”, and “Daddy”. Out of those I prefer “Daddy” or “Master”, but sometimes those don’t fit into what we are doing. I’ve also used names like “Babygirl”, “Princess”, and “Pet”. It varies from role to role and situation to situation. I also live the BDSM lifestyle full-time. Both inside the bedroom and sitting around talking or watching T.V.

  • Chief says:

    If found that cheif works out great.

  • Nunya says:

    I always make it clear to My subs that I am to be called Sir. in writing it is Sir not sir. daddy just never did anything for Me. they only call Me Master if they are a collared slave. the way I look at it is Sir is showing respect from a sub, and Master is showing ownership from the slave.

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