“I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.”

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

This is one of those posts that goes into the sometimes dark places in my brain. As a result, it involves discussion of things like pain, BDSM, and roleplaying sex-as-punishment. Everything in the post is 100% consensual, but I’m just giving you a heads-up so if those things are likely to disturb you please don’t read on. 

We’re discussing the difference between corporal punishment and what I’m going to call ‘angry punishment.’ I explain to him that, in previous role-plays, I’ve struggled with the idea of rigid, ordered punishment. Counting spanks, measured chastisement, that kind of thing. The type of role-play where I am a naughty girl, and a guy in a position of authority is responsible for correcting me:

He orders me to bend over and touch my toes, stretching my thighs and arse taut for the cane or tawse. He makes me wait for what feels like an achingly long time, as my calves tingle and my cunt gets slick, and I wait for the first thwack.

At that moment what I’m hoping for isn’t one sharp stroke. I’m not anticipating a measured, precise stripe across my backside. But usually that’s what I get. One stripe – carefully applied – then the inevitable order:

“Count them.”

And I count. One, two, three, four… I count the strokes and I thank him for each one. This controlled, dominant guy, who will dish out exactly as much pain as I deserve and no more.

That’s nice – it is. But it’s not the best.

The best – what I’m hoping for – is a loss of control. I’m looking for him not to deal out punishment like it’s medicine, and he’s the careful pharmacist weighing the exact number of pills. I want punishment that comes only because it pleases him to do it. A beating powered not by his judgment but by his rage.

“Get the fuck over and pull down those knickers.” Voice cracking slightly because he’s so angry, then later trembling more because the sight of my exposed cunt makes him want to do more than beat me. He slips the belt out through the loops of his trousers and folds it quickly in half, then half again – a short, thick, leather strap with which to smack me.

One, two, three, four, five, six… they fall in a blur. There’s no time to count, and I can’t get a word in because with each stroke he’s telling me more about how I’m a dirty girl, and why I deserve this. Why he loves this.

In the latter scenario, he’s not ‘done’ when I’m suitably punished, he’s only ‘done’ when he’s satisfied. When he’s beaten me hard enough to make his prick throb, and fucked me good and hard while I grip on tight to my calves and focus on the dual pleasures of staying upright and coming round his dick.

I explain this to him – this difference. The difference between pain as punishment – the way it might be meted out if I were a naughty schoolgirl and he a headmaster giving me six of the best – and pain as sexual brutality. In the latter I’m not being punished because I deserve it but because he needs it – he can’t get hard unless he sees my arse glowing red from the stripes, hears the thwack of leather on taut skin. Hears me squeal. Watches my cunt get wet from it.

We’re trying to narrow down the kink. Because BDSM is not a narrow enough definition. ‘Spanking’ or ‘corporal punishment’ does not get close enough to pulling the nuance of this particular fantasy. Halfway through the conversation, I realise that what I’m trying to do is give a one-sentence summary of what turns me on the most: a universal rule he can apply when he’s thinking of new and harder ways to fuck me.

“It’s not about pain per se,” I explain, “I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.”

And he thinks for a while, dick twitching in his pants, as I rub the back of my hand casually over his crotch. Does he think this is weird? I think this is weird. I struggle with the idea of a kink that looks selfless but is in fact the oddest kind of control. Not ‘do things because you love them’ but ‘love these things because I want you to want to do them.’

Some people may have other summaries. I suspect there are plenty for whom the controlled corporal punishment ticks exactly their boxes. Their kink summaries may go something like:

“I want to be hurt for my own good.”

“I need to feel like I deserve the cane.”

Others, for whom pain is less important, may feel like the following sum them up better:

“I get pleasure from extreme obedience.”

“I need to be naked while you are clothed.”

When we’re discussing this, it occurs to me that almost any mood, or scene, could be captured with these phrases. The detail I go into – about the belt and the anger and the specific role-play – that’s the stuff that he can play jazz with. Specific words or actions aren’t always necessary, and if the belt is swapped for a tawse or a ruler? It won’t kill the fantasy or the fun. As long as the motivation stays the same:

“I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.”

At some point I’ll tell you what his summary was.


This post is available as audio – click ‘listen here’ at the start of the post, and check out the audio porn page for more sexy stories read aloud. 


  • rare deeds says:

    This is such a hot post – judging by how turned on I am, it’s clearly found my perv zone with almost shocking accuracy.

    I like administering a beating as a precise punishment. There’s something about the clinical performance which is arousing. But you perfectly capture what I realise makes the more “abandoned”, more “furious”, beating much hotter. The former almost works more at the level of the mind, of the observer – in its “correctness” (in each sense of the word!); whereas the latter is more all-engulfing.

    But, I think the main thing, as you’ve described it – & the thing that took this right to my sweet spot – is the play of control & out-of-control – the complex circle of power you perfectly invoke with “not ‘do things because you love them’ but ‘love these things because I want you to want to do them.’” The complexity of these dynamics totally transform the “act” & its context

    And I know that the best experiences I’ve ever had of harsh spanking have been *exactly* like this, & have turned me (& my partner!) on absolutely because of this…that I am in control, because I am administering the beating, doing it as I want to do it; but that I am out-of-control, because I’m getting carried away by the urgent arousal of administering the tawse, each harsh strap making me more rigid with lust; but that I am also not in control, because this is precisely what my partner wants, & what is ultimately turning me on is that I am giving her utterly what *she* wants – the ecstasy of the pain, the abandon of my total arousal in the moment.

    (ps – apologies for the long comment)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Blimey – never need to apologise for leaving a long comment =) I’m delighted you like it. I wonder sometimes if I do too much navel-gazing about the specific details of any given fuck, but one of my favourite things is exploring these dynamics and it’s good to know I’m not alone. Why is *this* fuck hotter than *that* one, and why does controlled punishment not do it for me as hard as faux-abandon. This:

      “this is precisely what my partner wants, & what is ultimately turning me on is that I am giving her utterly what *she* wants”

      …is, I think, one of the funnest things about sex – when you both have your desires, and those desires are tweaked and enhanced in some kind of horny feedback loop, because you get off on knowing exactly how the other person’s desires play into it. =)

  • Dawn says:

    ‘…horny feedback loop…’
    What a great, and accurate description!

  • Etienne says:

    Excellent distinction, and one to which I relate.

    One of my favorite things is a mixture of both styles; the measured, judiciary, deserved punishment that, while on the surface is a simple matter of correction and justice, we both understand is much more about the sadism of the disciplinarian.

    Or when one shades into the other, and the measured disciplinarian picks up the pace and cannot resist turning the administration of justice into an orgy of pain.

    Such a lovely post, thank you!


  • Xiao Yingtai says:

    undergroundsea, a male sub educator, wrote a great essay about sadist-centric masochism:


    (He wrote it for me! I’m the person he mentions at the beginning!)

    I’m curious if that’s your kink, because it’s certainly mine. Time and again I have experienced that kick of arousal precisely when I realise oh he really enjoyed that bit. I’ve spoken with undergroundsea and he says it doesn’t have that kick for him if someone is doing something that doesn’t actually hurt. It has to really hurt AND the top has to be getting a kick out of it. That’s also true for me, but it doesn’t have to be physical pain – the look in their eyes as they watch me go hot from the shame of stripping before them, or the way they smile at the high-pitched terrified noises I make when their fingers start to go somewhere. So I guess I’m a sadist-centric emotional masochist. Are we kinky cousins?

    • digitool says:

      Followed the link to Fetlife & discovered I’d already loved it.
      I don’t enjoy pain, but if it pleases my Mistress or Master then it pleases me. Don’t get me wrong, the endorphins are wonderful & enable me to float away but I can’t play with a service top – if there is no emotional connection between me & the person hurting me it is just pain.

  • Jay says:

    Oh gods, yes. This, so much.

  • Jubi says:

    I have no knowledge of BDSM but still I have an inclination to read about it whenever I can. So your point is that you want him to hurt you because it makes him hard. And a loss of control while doing it is also agreeable to you.

    So are you trying to say you like being in pain more than being in pleasure? And yes, I’m a totally sure that I could be entirely wrong too.

  • Andrew says:

    A fantastic post.

    So I think yo have hit on one of the key things about BDSM which is he is doing it because HE wants it. Not because you have asked him to do it, not because he wants to please you. But because you have both come to find something you both love and it is all consuming. To the point he really stops caring what you want and just takes what he wants. Fasinating stuff, looking forward to finding out what his summary is.

  • BibulousOne says:

    Yup -absolutely
    I have recently been exploring this with professional BDSM players. In the lexicon of BDSM it is apparently Consensual Non Consent which is a dull way to describe something that feels exciting, scary, super-intense, and can be a real turn on. To play these games you either need to know and understand each other really well OR there needs to be some good discussion beforehand about the scene and what is going to happen. I recently took an absolute thrashing this way: she was breathing heavily from the exertion and I was digging really deep to try and survive it. The feeling when it finally stopped was amazing.

  • Alice says:

    God, yes!

    I love when he “blames” me for how hard he is. When he says ‘look what you’ve done’. When he makes it obvious by pushing his cock into me or grabbing my hand and making me feel his cock. When he’s already hard but him hurting me makes his cock harder – where the vein throbs and his whole cock twitches.

    A step further for my partner and I was when I cried because of being overwhelmed by such a hard and intense session and that made him impossibly hard.

  • MariaSibylla says:

    Thank you for this! It’s not really the pain I like, and I definitely don’t like being “punished” for real or made-up transgressions, but I know spanking me (and the ensuing struggle) makes him hard and *that’s* what gets me off. Just like you said, “I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.”

  • RB says:

    Can’t really add more to this than the above commenters apart from a) HOT and b) This is how kink/BDSM/whatever you want to call it should be, mutual passion and understanding of the other person’s needs and revolving moods. The anti-fifty shades. We should send this to EL James as an instruction pamphlet.

  • Digi says:

    Great writing, please do continue to “examine your navel”, it is always interesting to discover other people’s deep motivations.
    My wife recently discovered CBT. We have discovered that the more she tortures my cock the wetter & more excited she becomes. For my part, despite not enjoying the pain – but so much enjoying her pleasure, I get harder & harder – so she feels obliged to inflict more pain! Just the most perfect “horny feedback loop”.

  • ValeryNorth says:

    Great piece. I’m definitely a sadist: “Hurting you, making you suffer and react to that suffering, turns me on”. I don’t really have a “loss of control” thing, but definitely a “you can’t control me, or predict what form or ferocity I’ll use” thing – and ferocity is a good word for it. Which I think reflects somewhat the sense I got from that passage in the OP.

    I like punishment play, the thing of holding someone to account, showing them that every deed is watched and weighed and basically that I’m paying attention. It’s more of a head-thrill, though. The body-thrill is “I know exactly what I want, you don’t, I could change my mind at any moment, I want to have an impact” (pun intended).

    Then again, as a bottom, I can’t really do punishment: I need it to be about their desire, their reaction, and how well I can give that. Which can cover everything from the controlled “count them out” (“I will show you how well I can count through the pain; I will make you proud and want me!”) to the wild frenzy (“I will grit my teeth and let you make me suffer until I give way and you win!”) and all sorts in between.

    So many fascinating variants!

  • ““It’s not about pain per se,” I explain, “I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.”

    And he thinks for a while, dick twitching in his pants, as I rub the back of my hand casually over his crotch. Does he think this is weird? I think this is weird. I struggle with the idea of a kink that looks selfless but is in fact the oddest kind of control. Not ‘do things because you love them’ but ‘love these things because I want you to want to do them.’”


    I’m a survivor of incest and sexual assault, but I love being tied up and spanked by the guy I married. We both love it. I never thought I’d end up getting soaking wet by being tied up and dominated. It seems so counter-intuitive, given my history.

  • I get such mixed feelings when I read about you and others enjoying bdsm.

    I would hate it if Peter smacked me. The chance of my vagina producing lubrication during such an event would be zero, yet you seem to enjoy the beatings and get aroused.

    Are people split into two types, do you think? Those who love and get aroused by having pain inflicted upon them and those who don’t, and never the twain shall meet. When did you first get pleasure from being beaten?

    I love the occasional good rough fuck when my vulva, thighs, ribs and lips hurt from the impact of his body and face upon mine, but can’t imagine an actual slap being enjoyable. Wish I could understand. Is there a whole genetic group of women who dislike it? Does it come from the period when males were always aggressive when copulating? When they would grab one of the women from their hunter-gatherer group and fuck them hard, beating any resistance from them. Is there a residual rape fetish in some women?

    Fascinating. Makes me hot reading about it, especially your writing, but can’t imagine it working for me.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hi Angela – there are loads of interesting questions there, and I think with most of them my answer would be the boring ‘it’s much more complicated than that!’ For instance: ‘Are people split into two types, do you think?’ – I probably used to think this, that there were just some people who liked pain and others who didn’t, whereas now I’d see most sexual things as more of a spectrum. Although even a spectrum down’t really cut it, because it implies that there is a linear progression from liking a bit of pain to liking a lot. I think individual’s sexual tastes are far harder to pin down, and what’s more they can be quite fluid and change a lot over time depending on mood, physicality, partners, etc etc.

      What I can definitely say, though, is that a lot of the beliefs we have about what ’causes’ (for want of a better word) people to enjoy certain sexual things is very simplistic, and therefore probably not an accurate representation. Your point about hunter-gatherers seems similar to some other things I’ve read by people who’d argue that men naturally have a more ‘aggressive’ sexuality, or that women like sex less because their hunter-gatherer ancestors had to be more selective. I don’t think this is ever going to give us a good picture, because since then so much has happened in terms of cultural development, and that has influenced our sex lives as well as how we behave. We are also starting to understand more about gender, and see that it is not as rigid as we may have previously thought – in short, the idea of a binary male/female in which men behave one way and women behave a different way, is probably a drastic (and incorrect) simplification. Sorry, I am waffling on, but basically I think if we’re asking questions about sexuality, it’s more helpful to say: why do some people like X? rather than ‘do women like X?’

      So… hmm… I think there are lots of reasons why I like BDSM. probably part of it is how I am made, and the simple way my body responds to things. i couldn’t always give a direct analysis of why *this* thing gets my cunt wet but *that* thing doesn’t – I suspect part of it is simple biological response. however, I’d guess it’s also partly a result of the sexual influences I have had growing up, and the things that I liked when I was very young and first forming my ideas of what was and wasn’t sexy. On top of that, there’s the influence of partners and lovers – I’m more likely to have a penchant for, say, pegging, because of the horny way it was introduced to me by a previous partner – I suspect some of the hotness of that has rubbed off and fires particular horny pathways in my brain, etc etc. Basically I think it’s less about whether people have specific on/off switches in their brain that have been put their by evolution, and more to do with a combination of a host of physical, mental, and emotional influences.

      • rare deeds says:

        I think I can identify a number of formative experiences when I was young (pre-adolescence) which have impacted on what are now triggers for arousal in spanking, pissing, anal…& I can also remember being “turned on” in some way by aspects of these, quite a long time before I started to develop physically-sexually.

        However, for each kink, I only really discovered that they were part of my psychosexual make-up through exciting sexual experiences with partners – in other words, they were mutually discovered during intense sexual encounters. And, again, in each case, these encounters occurred quite late in my sexual life.

        So, whatever the genetic or psychological disposition, I think there also has to be an event, or series of events, which serve to actualize these dispositions or potentialities.

        All this, at any rate, to underscore gotn’s point about how complex all of this is, how dynamic all of it is, & how resistant we should be to resorting to simple formulas with which to understand sexuality – our own, & those of others.

  • It’s brilliant post. It made me hot. However it seems very strange that pain gives pleasure. I feel we all have been changed.

  • Chase says:

    Hey Girl on the Net,
    Long time reader first time commenter. This is an interesting post and it made me think about something kind of random but perhaps related.

    When my gf goes down on me, I always feel like it’s a chore for her. She’s told me as much in not so many words (“I like going down on you because you like it, but no girls like giving bjs”). Okay, fine. But it’s to the point now I’ll just have her skip the part where she goes down on me b/c if it’s such a hassle forget it. Similar to what you’ve written here with the slapping, I want to say ‘Suck my dick because it makes you wet.’ I’ve had girls before that were very much into that and DID seem to get off on going down on me. Any thoughts? Do some people just have fun doing it and others not?

    I’m anxiously awaiting the followup post to this one btw!

  • Twiglet at hundred acres says:

    I think it can also be hard for sadists/tops – how do they address their desire to carry out this ‘violence’ I wonder sometimes if the issue of ‘control’ is important. That it distinguishes them from abuse, whereas to me the distinction is consent.
    Differently are the discussions I have with Beastly about my wanting him to lose control or to spank me because the pain does do something positive for me but less so for him. Here the spanking makes him hard because I get wet- Back to the feedback loop someone mentioned in earlier comments. But I know sadists for whom my pleasure had no impact on theirs only my consent and consent-non-consent. That makes for a very interesting head fuck.
    Thank you for food for thought.

  • Whoops says:

    Dear GOTN
    I feel completely analogous to you except without the pain aspect. I’m a wuss when it comes to pain, but my god nothings gets me hotter than her abusing my boundaries (consensually of course) in an attempt to pleasure herself. She would never do that of course if she’s in control, she doesn’t want to hurt me. So I want her to lose control, in my case it’s not that she wants to hurt me, it’s that she might have to hurt me to get what she wants.

    Here’s my guess for why this happens -sometimes-:
    I know I have my barriers that I put up for whatever reason in my history where I became afraid of something.
    I’m secretly ashamed or constrained or whatever by those boundaries, or at least I suspect I might be
    I want to not be afraid of the things I’m afraid of, but I can’t or don’t know how to do it myself
    SO I want someone to force me let down those barriers, and it should be someone I love and trust because then I’ll be ok.

    Eg heterosexual culture made me afraid of sucking cock
    I want to overcome this but I’m afraid of men (hey, not without reason!)
    SO I fantasize about her inviting three men over to pin me down and have their way with me whilst she watches.

    But her pleasure in this is paramount. She has to be the one who wants to watch me get fucked (She’ll throw in a good word “harder!” “Ignore his whimpering!” etc. whilst drinking wine and wanking) because that means I don’t have to deal with the guilt / shame / fear etc and even if it -does- turn out to be something painful / scary then it’s ok because there was some pleasure in it for her and she’ll take care of me after.

    Like I often think with D/s and kink in general we find ourselves fearful of ourselves. “Am I wrong for wanting this thing which is violent/horrible/painful/weird?” But the thing is that (sometimes) we don’t -really- want that thing in the sense of how it exists in the world. I don’t actually want to be used by three strange men, in fact I’m afraid of that. But my desire takes the thing I’m afraid of and puts it into an extremely specific set of circumstances where the fearful thing is ok i.e. it’s being overseen by this person I trust and love and they’re also getting pant-soakingly wet out of it… Like that’s kind of awesome isn’t it? here’s my problem, here’s me overcoming it with the help of my beau, here’s them getting horny as hell out of it. That’s like adulting!

    This is what I’m finding based on my own introspection and readings about kink. Hope it’s interesting to you!

  • Having only discovered my pain kink about 4 months ago this was a really really good read. The first time I knew there was something about pain was that I passed out in a sauna. I had been sitting cross legged ìn the sauna and my eyes were closed. My mind was incredibly clear. I could feel tingling all over. Heat building beyond comfort. The laboured breathing. Beads of sweat running across my skin. It blocked out everything else in my muddled head. All the worries and the thousands of thoughts and ideas. My friend came and asked me to hurry as they were getting ready to leave. As I stood to leave the sauna I became dizzy and blacked out through heat exhaustion. It wasn’t unpleasant. There was such a calm and wonderful feeling that came with it.

    In truth I should have guessed at that point that pain was something that could serve a purpose. I had on previous occasions self harmed to alleviate extreme emotional distress. Cutting, punching, banging my head all helped to externalism the feelings I couldn’t tear out of my body physically. I even rode a microscopes of the edge of a very steep Valley once and giggled limping all the way home.

    Those were nothing compared to other people inflicting pain on me. Enjoying inflicting pain on me. Clamping me. Spanking me. Dragging nails across my back while I growled “harder” during sex. Waking up to find the marks bleeding onto hotel sheets. Poking the bruises and remembering how I goaded them to do more. Remembering how aroused they were when they punished me.

    You’ve approached something about pain that I have never been able to resolve. My submissive nature being a pleasure felt from making others feel pleasure. The pain washing my head of irrelevant thoughts and emotions. The pleasure giving arousing me to be able to enjoy the sex. To be used and destroyed.

    Thank you.

  • handmaid says:

    I want you to hurt me because it makes you hard.

    Exactly. Feedback loop. I know what I’d love to do to me if I were him, so I love to let him love doing it. After all, we both deserve it.

    When every whip of the cane against my bare bum feel like I’m stroking his cock past the point of no return – like a crack whore. The strange thing is – I know that if I weren’t trash, I would love to be in his place and do the same to someone like me. In a different life, where I was someone like him, I know how much I would love to feel so powerful and free to be cruel to me; to enjoy causing me excruciating pain and humiliation. I can feel how great that must feel, even as I know how wrong that cruelty is. I know that I am the agent awaking those feelings, encouraging them, allowing them to actually become a reality for him. That makes me proud and powerful too, but letting him do it to me means I deserve harder punishment for being complicit in aiding and abetting his sadistic lust, the lust that I see in his eyes in the mirror as he whips me again and again. He isn’t taking care to give me pain that’s pleasure – he knows it’s 100% physical pain for me. The more it hurts me, the more he enjoys it, and the harder he canes me. I imagine being him, how wonderful it must feel, how much he must love having someone as useable and worthless as me available to him to mark and hurt. I feel how wrong that is and how far it is from any of my values, how much I am letting down sisters everywhere by deliberately stimulating this cruelty that makes his cock hard and makes him hurt me. I realise how wrong I am, and so therefore how right it is for him to cane me. How much value being whipped and used like meat gives me as a human being. How much power I have to give him pleasure, to give back, and be a good girl, not just despite, but because I’m cheap and worthless trash.

    Obviously I’m a fairly extreme case, and when I express my feelings online about this, I usually get lambasted. Trolls, go ahead. I know it’s wrong. I will write all your criticisms down on a list and make sure I get to pay for them.

    • Girl on the net says:

      I get where you’re coming from, and I also understand why you get lambasted – you write about your fantasies (control, humiliation, degradation – all sexy things and ones which I can get on board with!) as if they are entirely reflective of real life. You don’t seem to separate sexual play from real-world attitudes, and so some of the things you say (which would be totally fine in a ‘playing with taboo’/fantasy setting) are incredibly alarming, because you’re implying you genuinely believe this on a day-to-day level too.

      “I feel how wrong that is and how far it is from any of my values, how much I am letting down sisters everywhere by deliberately stimulating this cruelty that makes his cock hard and makes him hurt me.”

      You aren’t ‘letting down sisters everywhere’ by being honest about your sexuality – you’re only letting down women when you imply that they are somehow worth less if they enjoy BDSM play.

      “How much power I have to give him pleasure, to give back, and be a good girl, not just despite, but because I’m cheap and worthless trash.”

      You obviously *aren’t* cheap and worthless trash, but you’re welcome to role-play this in a fantasy scenario. Writing it here, in the comments on my blog, implies you think anyone who indulges in this kind of play is cheap and worthless trash too, though. That’s the line you cross, and that’s why you get lambasted.

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