Girl on the Net

Beginning. Short sentence designed to make you ponder something odd or sexy or enraging or cute. Longer sentence which explains why that thing you were pondering is actually a little bit more complicated than you might have previously thought. Teasing line aimed at making you want to read further: why am I doing this?

First paragraph proper, now, in which we delve slightly further into the topic. I overexplain what I’m going to discuss, throwing in some search-optimised phrases to make sure that Google finds this post. Followed swiftly by an evocative sentence which includes words designed to make you feel something: beautiful, fucked-up, frightening. Intense.

Anecdote time, now, and likely this anecdote will start with ‘the other day’ or ‘recently on Twitter’ or perhaps even ‘quote from an article I read.’

Here’s a quote from an article I read. I’ll cherry-pick it to laser-target your attention on the topic at hand, likely missing some of the nuance intended by the original author, which I’ll try to cover in the paragraph below. 

And here it comes – the paragraph below, where I’ll say ‘naturally’ or ‘of course’ as I acknowledge that this quote doesn’t sum things up for everyone, and try to front-load some exceptions so I can sneakily dodge the criticism that I imagine someone might already be penning below the line. With that done, it’s time to launch into a ‘but’ that introduces what I think, so you are already on-side with the argument I’m about to make.

Subhead with SEO keyword

Storytime here. Words flow more easily, because I’m remembering and recording an event which happened rather than having to wrench it from my brain. Maybe I’ll refer back to the quote above, or maybe not. Maybe I’ll write some dialogue which is half-remembered and half-constructed from a scene I was playing at the time.

“That’s just what you do,” he tells me. “You write things that fall out of your head and the good bits stick in people’s minds while the bad bits fall by the wayside, because people are astonishingly forgiving.”

That’s how blog posts go. That’s how this blog post will go. That’s how most of my blog posts go, and I hadn’t really realised this until recently, when I find myself relying on churning out formulaic porn to try and capture your attention and distract myself from what’s happening outside. Intensely navel-gazing self-obsession fuels the next few paragraphs, which I’ll skip over here to spare my own self-disgust.

Short sentence, for impact.

Longer sentence, to show contrast with the short sentence. Descriptive language that is here to try and make you feel things. Want things. Need things. Using rule of three to build drama and intensity without truly considering whether the second and third things are adding much more to the first.

If it’s porn, this is where we’ll use the dirty words: fuck, suck, dick, cunt, and longer phrases like ‘please please please put it in me.’ If it’s an argument, this is likely where I’ll draw things out into what amounts to little more than the kind of rant I wish I could have in the pub, when I’m facing down some misogynist who’s trying to make me feel small, and in real life the words I need so desperately do not come, so I stew on them before pouring reams of l’esprit de l’escalier onto you poor lot who did nothing to deserve this earful. If it isn’t porn, and isn’t rants, this is where we’ll build to the Scrubs-style ending, where imaginary music swells and I churn out trite phrases to make you feel like we’ve been on an emotional journey.

Another short sentence, for impact. To imply this post is over.

Final thought, which comes in a longer sentence, but scans so neatly that it sounds like a wise conclusion.

Final short sentence, to show you it’s probably not.