Water and one other thing

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Drinking water is pretty miraculous, isn’t it? It’s delicious and refreshing in the morning – a lovely little wake-up treat. It’s a calming joy before bedtime, hydrating and nourishing you without adding caffeine or sugar that might keep you awake for too long. A glass or bottle of water is a good thing to hold while you’re chatting – you can sip on it to punctuate a sentence or fill a silent gap. And best of all… it’s fucking GOOD FOR YOU! Not only are you allowed to have it whenever you want, but 100% of doctors agree that we need it in order to live.

Pay attention to your mouth for one second. Feel how dry your tongue is? Swallow. Feel it, really feel it. Now your skin, touch your skin. Doesn’t that feel like it could do with a little moisture? Don’t worry, you can help soon. But before you do I want you to think about where the best water in your vicinity might be found.

Is it the kitchen tap? Bathroom? Maybe you’re fancy and you’ve got a special cold tap on your fridge. Perhaps you’re at work and you have one of those coolers with water that comes out at two different temperatures – which is your favourite? Think of the best water that’s accessible to you right now, and conjure your favourite receptacle out of which to drink it. It might be a pint glass, or one of the tall narrow ones with the thin lip. If you’re like me, it might be a specific shape of Evian bottle that fits neatly into your hand. Locate the best water. Now tune in to your mouth again for a second and… there… you’re so dry. Right?

Go get some of that sweet, sweet water. Bring it back here before you sip.

Now look at it: the glass, or bottle, or whatever receptacle you’re about to drink from – filled with beautiful, clear, refreshing, delicious water. Get back into that mindful zone where you can tune in to exactly how your mouth feels in this moment. How dry your tongue is. How papery your lips. How eager the skin on your face to soak in the goodness of all that hydration.

Got it? Feeling it? Salivating a little?

OK, you’re ready. Lift the glass or bottle to your lips and take a drink. As long or as short as you like. Huge gulps, gentle sips, or just pour it in and let one cool, smooth river slip right down your throat.


Drink till your thirst is thoroughly slaked, my friends! Drink to your hearts’ content! Enjoy how simply and easily water cures that dry ache you became aware of just a few minutes ago. Isn’t water amazing?

And brace yourself, because it’s about to get better as I remind you of something you already know. Water – this magical treat – turns out to actually be good for you! How many other drinks could legitimately say the same thing? Of all the substances you consume, could any of them hope to lay claim to being as life-giving, as necessary, as truly good-for-you as water?

Ice-cream, chocolate, crisps, cocktails, weed, a pricey cheese board… these things all have their value when it comes to bringing joy, but none can be enjoyed at will – guilt-free – quite like water can.

Miraculous, right? Water is a gift. A precious, miraculous gift. A treat that not only doesn’t harm your health, it actively enhances it.

If there were a God (and I know there isn’t, but if there were) I reckon that at the moment of creation, when he realised life might be hard on human hearts, he chose to bestow on us two simple pleasures. Two gifts of joy which we could enjoy without hangovers or health problems or any other nasty strings attached. Two things we humans could revel in which not only wouldn’t hurt us, but would actively make our lives better. One of them is water.

And the other – of course – is wanking.


Happy Masturbation Month, team! Wanking is free, fun, and almost always good for you

Usually this month is a good excuse to write posts in which I highlight cool products for you to wank with (and I’ll definitely do some of that later), but this year I wanted to open with something that wasn’t sponsor-focused, to remind us all that masturbation doesn’t have to feed the capitalist beast in order to bring people joy.




  • SpaceCaptainSmith says:

    Ha. Perfect analogy!

    Water is maybe the closest thing I have to an addiction – it sounds ridiculous to put it like that, but I feel like during lockdown I actually developed something of a ‘water habit’, going to get another glass/bottle of it rather more frequently than is bodily necessary. But as you say, out of all the things you could be addicted to, it’s got to be among the least harmful and most beneficial. And the other cheap pleasure mentioned here is great too. :)

    Maybe even better – while most of us get billed for our water, we don’t even have to pay for the privilege of wanking…

  • slave sindee says:

    nice post and now i just wanna get real wet

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