Reasons to masturbate

Because you’re bored. Because you’re horny. Because you caught a glimpse of one of those pop-up ads and you can’t get the image out of your head. Reasons to masturbate? Because it’s Wednesday.

Because you have a day off work, and you don’t know when the cable engineer will arrive.

Because you got a new sex toy and you want to try it out, or an old favourite to get nostalgic with.

Because someone whispered a special trick to you and you need to see if it works, and then try it again – three times – just to make sure.

Wank because you like it, and you need no other reasons to masturbate, or because you don’t quite like it enough, but you feel like giving it another shot. Because it’s never compulsory, and that makes it much more fun.

Masturbate for half an hour, to make time go more quickly. Or do it for three minutes to break up the tasks that just drag on. Because it’s magic like that.

You don’t need excuses or reasons to masturbate – do it because it’s break time and you haven’t got a KitKat.

Because you’ve got a new phone and you want to test the video function.

Because it turns someone on to watch you.

Because it turns you on to watch you – sitting in front of a mirror, staring deep into your own eyes and pinching your nipples and holding your cunt until you come.

Because you saw a guy on the tube who looked like your ex and your gut hurt with lust for him.

Because you’ve a date later and you want to let off steam.

Because you shaved yourself and it made you horny.

Because the other day someone asked you what your favourite hobby was, and when you told them ‘wanking’ they asked you why.

Because you want to try it standing up, or on your front, or hanging naked with your head off the side of the bed for a rush.

Masturbate because you’re lonely, and it feels like ages since you’ve fucked. Because you haven’t seen that one guy in forever and those old photos give you aching memories.

Wank because there’s no food in the house and you want to take your mind off the hunger.

Because magazines and books and websites say it’s healthy, and you don’t care if that’s true but it’s way more fun than running.

Because you want to relive the time you got shitfaced on cheap margaritas and sucked his cock in a car park. Or the way he’d tremble when you told him ‘no’, like he’d die twice over for a yes.

Because… fuck it. Because you’ll never see him again but you miss the way he’d eagerly wrap his long limbs around you and wrestle you, panting, to the floor. Because that one time he buried his face in your knicker-clad cunt and declared you perfect.

Because you’d kill for another go – even just five minutes of the worst he’s got to give. A snapshot trip to the poorest of his excellent fucks, where you’d drink his piss like water and beg him to make you bleed. Because you suspect he’d embrace it and that’s why you’ve never asked.

Masturbate because those things you want may never happen but this, right here, this will. This moment with your hands and your memories and your bored, horny, time-killing lust, is the only thing you can really guarantee.

Because it feels good. And you like it.

Because you can.


  • Nick says:

    Because you’re bored in a hotel room and this post came up on Twitter.

  • Fred says:

    Nick kinda beat me to it but: Because I read the blog post and I am alone in the house.

  • robjam says:

    Because I pretty much always do after reading your blogs.

    Especially this one.

    Oh – & the especially the last one.

  • Daisy says:

    Because posts like this come up on your FB feed and you can’t look at them at work, not even on your phone, so you have to go to the toilet and wank in anticipation.

    Then wank a second time because someone came into the toilets while you were wanking and you had to clamp your free hand over your mouth and sit VERY still until they’d finished and gone.

    Because you’ve just told the Internet you wank at work…

  • RB says:

    Because you’re stressed out and upset and rubbing one out is a very effective relaxant, it turns out.

    Not that I would recommend that to my work colleagues.

  • Ian says:

    Because “working” from home means you get to whirl around in your chair cock in hand, porn across three monitors, occasionally enjoying the satisfying twack it makes when said tumescent member strikes your desk and all without anyone else in the office complaining!

  • Because you’ve broken up with your boyfriend of 6 months and it’s the only way to keep you from picking up the phone and calling him, or lowering your standards to have a fuck with someone else. Three cheers for self love.

  • HornyGirl says:

    Because you’ve just gotten out of the bath and can’t be bothered to get clothes on yet.

  • Ozzy Canine says:

    Because you abandoned your principles and told the lost love of your life to secretly take a day off work , and get her arse over here and give you six hours of the best fucking anyone, I mean anyone ever had – in a fortnights time

  • Nick. says:

    A) Keeps everything healthy, a nice test-firing.
    B) A good stretch in the morning and it wakes up and I catch it with my forearm and my tablet’s right there and I can check Tumblr and…Oh, that hot couple has posted a set. They have a new butt plug….Ohh.
    C) Only action I’m getting atm, but, in my head, I can lick and caress and roughly pin down and prone-bone fuck anyone I want, and they would love it…
    D) I have too many socks.
    E) Because it’s there.
    There aren’t enough letters in the alphabet to list all of them….
    Best one I have is….
    Because it’s wonderful. Having that post-orgasm stillness infusing your limbs as you carry on with your day…..

  • Northern boy says:

    Because you excused yourself from a dire meeting because of “a dodgy tummy’ and now you’ve ten minutes to kill in the office loos

  • Phil says:

    This reminds me of a funnier, more wanktastic version of the rant at the start of Trainspotting
    Choose life, choose happiness, choose wanking…

  • ally says:

    Or because my boyfriend is away for 10 weeks. (and it’s only day 2). although who needs a reason?

  • Oh God! Remembering finally getting an orgasm from Jilling off after years of not getting there because I was scared to make a noise at home. That end room in the Hall Of Residence with no neighbours and a phallic vibrator hastily and nervously bought in a sex shop near the university. THAT really was a great masturbation. Your article brought back the memories of the wonderful clenching explosion of the first time. Thanks.

  • Flo-mo says:

    Because I’m halfway divorced and can only see my lover once a month. Because the emails he sends me through the working day make me flush and throb so bad. Because I can’t get the thought loop of what he’s gonna do to me when we meet out of my head. Because I just can’t get up and on with the day until I’ve scratched that itch, dammit! Because I smoked that spliff tonight and now I’ve rubbed one off twice but I still can’t sleep for thoughts of cocks n tits….n thanking The Lord this blog reassures me I’m not the only randy female in her 40’s out there…!!!

  • You can always fuck the cable guy ya know :)

    Afterall, why waste the horniness ?? :)

  • Vida says:

    Prostates apparently need 21 wanks a month to stay healthy.

    But, more interestingly, WHAT’S THE SPECIAL TRICK??

  • ro says:

    i once wanked my cock about 29 times thinking my wife had an affair andwas turned on

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