On making your sexual fantasy come true

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Sometimes guys ask me for my advice. Stop laughing at the back.

Although I’m as incompetent as the next person, feeling my way through sex and relationships like a horny blindfolded girl groping for the light switch, people occasionally email me and ask for help with their problems. The following predicament concerns a guy who wants to make his fantasy come true, and it struck me that there’s a theme which runs through most emails I get about this subject: whether it’s throatfucking, swinging, threesomes, or something beautifully sweet and simple like the one below, quite a few ‘how do I achieve my sexual fantasy?’ emails share a common theme. So, to try and kill a few extra birds with my stone of shoddy advice, I asked the guy for his permission to post the question, and my response.

Please chip in your own advice in the comments – I’m not an expert, and I am frequently wrong about things.

The problem: how do I make my sexual fantasy come true?

I am obsessed with girls and especially the female body. I absolutely love the female body and how it reacts to sexual stimulation.

I am 19, male and I haven’t had actual sex yet. I have been masturbating and fantasizing for several years now and really want to finally have some sexual action with a hot/cute girl. I don’t want full sex with her but I really really want to make out and pleasure her. I am very curious about how it feels for a girl and how close sexual stimulation feels with her body and words.

So as you can tell I am absolutely mullered by the fantasy of making out with and pleasuring a hot/cute girl who’s OK with not having actual sex.

The thing is: I live in a Christian community and I’m not really attractive or athletic and I don’t have a girl friend. I’m extremely introverted and so I think it’ll be while I’m in my mid or later 20s when I ‘d find a girl friend.

And my parents would wonder what I’d be doing (and against it) if I just went into town to hook up with a girl for a bit. I can’t be openly driving to people’s houses or strip clubs or whatever with my parent’s car.

So I think the best bet would be that I take a walk and have the girl pick me up while I’m doing that and us make out in the car or something like that.

But so far I haven’t found a legitimate website that I can find actual local girls to hook up with for free. I live [location redacted - somewhere rural in the US]. Do you know of any legit and free sites that will allow me to possibly find a girl willing to do this with me?

So far all I have found are scam sites and ones that I need to dumb paid membership for. And for me, I really can’t afford that risk atm. I’ve tried CraigsList but that’s all a bunch of scams..

Oh what am I to do?!?

Answer:

The good news (OK, the fantastic news) here is that what you want isn’t in any way unusual. There are lots of people who want to make out – they want the awesome touching, horny kissing, etc, but not necessarily the sex. Perhaps because they’re not ready for sex, or just because they don’t enjoy sex as much as the other parts. But I assure you, there are many people who want this. So you’re in a good position.

However, there’s a really big problem with your exact situation, and that is that you seem to want a very specific thing, and you don’t seem willing to do anything even vaguely out of your comfort zone in order to achieve it: you can’t drive anywhere, you won’t pay money, you won’t use free sites because of scams, you won’t speak to women because you’re shy. In short: your easily achievable fantasy becomes almost impossible because you need it to land directly in your lap with very little compromise or effort on your part.

If I knew what the effortless solution to your problem was, I would have bottled it, sold it, and be typing this on a gold plated laptop right now.

I don’t blame you at all – this is not my way of calling you a wanker. It seems that you are worried about so many things that all seem insurmountable. Instead of trying to overcome one, or all of these issues, you have made them conditions of your fantasy and I think that’s why you’re struggling to achieve what you want.

To sum it up, your ideal fantasy is one in which you kiss, touch, and generally have sexy fun with a girl without having penetrative sex. Big tick in that box: loads of people like doing it, so your pool of potential partners is huge. But you don’t want to have to speak to a woman much, or develop a relationship with her, because you’re shy (totally understandable, by the way: some of the guys I’ve been hottest for have been shy). You don’t want to pay for membership of a dating site (and who does? They’re pricey!). You can’t use a free site because you might end up getting scammed. You don’t want to have to drive and pick her up in case your parents find out (again, understandable, if you think that the consequences of that would be horrible for you). Basically you want all of your ideal conditions met. And that makes giving you advice almost impossible, because any advice I give would mean compromising on one of your conditions.

So, bearing that in mind, here are three advice options:

  • Keep trying with free sites (I am a big fan of OKCupid, and I think you have that in the States, but if anyone else has suggestions please leave them in the comments!), and trying to weed out possible scammers wherever possible. Accept, though, that you will meet people on it who are either scamming you, who want something slightly different, who might want a relationship before makeouts, or who don’t have their own car: that’s just how humans work, and it’s impossible to recommend a site which can deliver you someone guaranteed to fill every aspect of your fantasy.
  • Go pro. When I read the first half of your email it occurred to me that if you really want this specific thing, but without having to develop a relationship, then speaking to a sex worker could be ideal. Find someone in your area (on Twitter I see adultwork mentioned often by sex workers, so I’d recommend heading there first, unless any sex workers have better suggestions that they can leave in the comments, pretty please!) who you can have this experience with. This involves compromising on your ‘free’ rule, but it’s one of the simplest ways to guarantee that you can have what you’re looking for.
  • If you don’t like the above ideas, then the only thing I can recommend is to compromise on the ‘shy’. Which I know I know I know is hard to do. Speak to women, and try to develop a relationship with one who would like to do this with you. You don’t necessarily have to be boyfriend and girlfriend if that’s tricky for you, it might just be a girl you get along well with who also wants to have a go at making out and touching: it’s fine. I know this is scary if you’re shy: incredibly so. But it won’t get any easier if you never do it, and if you don’t manage to find a girl who’s willing to do this with you, you may still have met some nice people and had fun with them.

And that’s it, I’m afraid: I don’t have any magic bullets. As I said originally, I’ve been asked similar questions quite a few times, and I struggle to give advice because often I think what the guy wants is for his fantasy to just happen. You’re luckier than others in that usually their fantasies are things that are a bit more niche or kinky, so their original pool of potential partners is limited by the fact that only a small slice of the population would be up for the act itself. But either way I’ve seen lots of variations of “I need X but I have to get it without doing A, B or C”. As with you, they’re all usually legitimate concerns, and understandable problems. The trouble is, when you add them all up, the only way the fantasy is actually going to happen is if a passing woman just happens to fancy making out with the stranger she’s driving past, and has the confidence to shout out of her car window and ask for it.

So, to summarise, my advice would be that you need to pick one of your conditions and either compromise on it or make some effort to overcome it, or you need to cross your fingers and hope really hard that the very unlikely happens, and do a hell of a lot of wanking in the meantime.

Oh, and worry about the car situation when you get to it.

11 Comments

  • The Hill Mouse says:

    Rik Mayall! Really?

    (Good advice btw)

  • Alex N. says:

    Your article has some good advice, but the specific letter you picked seems to be suffering a bit from the author sounding like he’s quite detached from women/generally inexpirenced in general. Like, (and I realise it sounds like he doesn’t know many women), he doesn’t really talk about wanting to engage in sex *with real people*, but rather he just wants the sex. He doesn’t want to compromise or improve himself in any way, and isn’t really considering the other person in this equation. Its less a specific sexual fantasy in this case and more just him wanting low-cost, low-engagement sex for free.

    If you want a really, really great blog/podcast for relationship advice for guys whom are perhaps less experienced, I strongly recommend http://www.doctornerdlove.com/, run by Harris O’Malley. He’s really sex positive, writes from the perspective of both genders and used to be part of the pick up artist community, (before he got really disillusioned by the rampant sexism and so on).

    My best advice for anyone in his position would be to try and meet as many women as possible in a non-sexual context, (i.e. just socialise with them), until you’re generally comfortable around them, and can treat them as people, (albeit also looking for sex/fun non-penetrative times).

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thanks Alex – I’ll check out that link! And you’re right – it does seem like the sex itself is detached from the people, i.e. it’s something set apart from developing relationships. But that’s typical of a lot of the emails like this that I get sent, and I don’t think that wanting that is *necessarily* a problem: sometimes you do just want to meet someone to do a specific thing with, without having to commit to anything more personal. Although it can certainly be a problem in some cases, and I think your advice is good – socialising with people can be a good way to help overcome shyness and mean you find it slightly easier to form relationships etc in the future. Now if only I could go back in time and tell 14-year-old me that… =)

  • Alex N. says:

    Having re-read my previous comment, I realise I do sound a little like I am shitting on casual relationships/sex – I wasn’t trying to! My point was merely that where a lot of guys trip up is that they forget that people are still *people* in the end, (complete with needs and emotions distinct from your own), and not just a vehicle for sex/your person source of sexual fulfilment.

    Whether you are looking for something anonymous or casual or something more serious, that still needs to be a core understanding when you go looking for it.

  • Tony says:

    As someone who has lived in the pre-internet days (yeah, I know that makes me really old) we had to meet all our partners the old fashioned way, i.e., in real life. So getting involved with outside activities, sports, clubs, church, whatever rocks your boat, not with a view to getting sex but just to meet people, will help you with your shyness.
    Once involved, try a little mild flirting with someone you would normally have absolutely no interest in. Flirt, compliment and then walk away. If it’s well received (and usually it will be) both of you will feel good about the exchange and it will be ten times easier the next time with the next person. Just my 10 cents worth.

    • Girl on the net says:

      This is excellent advice. TBH I’m a bit poor at chatting people up in person, but I thoroughly agree that a bit of flirting practise is good – giving compliments just for the sake of giving compliments can be a really nice confidence booster for both people.

  • Makkon says:

    Good luck to this guy. I’m a 25 virgin and I’ve basically switched off, given up. It’s all very difficult, but hopefully you’ll be perfect once you get a bit of experience under your belt.

  • Jezka says:

    Sooo…..
    what about fetlife.com ?
    Its free, you can look locally, or long distance, and definitely a place to look for specifics.
    Pretty decent community, I rather enjoy chatting up strangers on the site. Plenty of friendships have come from it.

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